November, 2010 browsing by month


Game Day Report – 11/28

Sunday, November 28th, 2010

Well the long holiday weekend is drawing to a close, and if volume of food eaten could earn fantasy points, I clearly won my league this week. It will remain Black Friday in my colon for a few more days at least, as I return to eating normalcy and unleash a volley of greens and other fiber rich foods to do battle in my lower intestine. Victory will be mine, I’m typically a very healthy eater, but occasionally all bets are off. These past 4 days were no exception.

Speaking of colons, I can’t help but bow down to my suck team this week. Detroit’s defense was absolutely pooptacular, followed up by a very solid performance by rising suck league superstar James Clausen. FINALLY, a quarterback with no stupid touchdowns, and my first QB scoring in negative territory in quite a few weeks. His  -0.80 combined with Detroit’s stellar (whatever the opposite of stellar is) -13.00 earned me a commanding win with -13.80 points. My adversary sadly disqualified himself this week by not using a starting QB. It wasn’t intentional, he just got caught up in holiday family type things and didn’t check to see if the mighty Jason Campbell was starting. But suckleague is where men play, and if you want to prioritize your family and loved ones over your starting QB, you kind of get what you deserve. He did go with Buffalo’s defense, and after their +9.00 performance against the Steelers, there was no hope for him.


Let’s briefly salute this weeks iron man, Rusty freaking Smith of the Tennessee Titans: -7.60. There’s just no substitute for that first NFL game.

Searching for Bobby Fischer – 11/25

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy Thursday night football this time of year? If not, I really enjoy Thursday night football this time of year. And that is the backdrop for what I think is a tough week in suck land, but, I’ve probably already won my game unless something really odd happens. (THANK YOU DETROIT DEFENSE) If you can count on anything, it’s that Detroit will lay a massive egg on Thanksgiving. But they really have outdone themselves: 45 points allowed and only 1 sack. Suckleague result, -13 points. Is it wrong that kind of gives me a boner? Very probably.

But anyway, Detroitians must be very used to the Thanksgiving tradition of, go to the game, witness loss, come home, eat Turkey. Makes more sense than getting up at 4am to pay $15 for a toaster that will be $10 in 2 weeks I guess. But on to my quarterback dilemma.

Brian St Pike is scaring me this week, mostly due to Cleveland. First off, let me say, I respect parents that man up and parent immensely. That’s the toughest job there is and real men parent. (And ladies). But if a QB’s resume contains “stay at home” anything in the past few weeks, I guess you stick with him. Hopefully Cleveland doesn’t let me down.

“Hopefully Cleveland doesn’t let me down”. Wow, Nothing good can follow that statement.

UPDATE – John Fox is apparently playing chess again. He’s pulling the trigger on a last minute switch to Jimmy Clausen. Rob Ryan can be heard to say, “Damn you sir. I spent a whole week game planning for the mighty St. Pierre. Now you play the Clausen gambit? Damn you to hell.”


Post Mortem – 11/22

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

God I love Monday Night Football. To hear Gruden comment on football is my reward for not gnawing a limb off and beating myself to death with it. This is exactly what I wanted to do during the Pats / Colts game. Some games I look forward to all week, then game day I find out they’re on CBS and I cringe a little. Best part of that game? Phil Simms could barely talk. If a vending machine cheese burger could be employed as a football announcer, it would sound a lot like Phil Simms. In all fairness, I don’t even know why I dislike his announcing so much.  Maybe it’s comments like “Tom Brady likes to throw the ball”. Or maybe it’s just that CBS has the worst audio feed on the planet. Some executive at CBS starts every Sunday morning with the following directive: “If I can hear the announcers over the crowd noise, somebody is getting fired”.

So, as I last posted, I went with Brian St Pierre this match, and this pattern is pissing me off:  Throw for a TD then throw 2 pick 6s. Max Hall did the same freaking thing to me earlier in the season. CAN WE SKIP THE DELUSION AND GET RIGHT TO THE INTERCEPTIONS PLEASE? Sheese. For defense I went with Denver. I figure they won’t have much luck vs. Phil Rivers since he throws for 700 yards a game and is like 9’ 10” tall. My adversary stuck with the mighty Kitna this week and yet again paid the price for playing a veteran.

Almost 2 quarters down. You know who sucks but doesn’t really suck at all is Kyle Orton. He reminds me of Cutler. Denver has effectively replaced Jay Cutler with Jay Cutler. Albeit one that complains less and doesn’t have those odd, pouty lips. Josh McDaniels is going to have to put his brilliant strategist hat on during halftime to pull this one out. (Translation: I’m fine).

UPDATE – All in all, a great showing for me, mostly on the strength of defense thanks to Denver’s very solid (horrible) showing of -10. Sweet victory is once again mine. Oh and if you’re in a supplementary coaches suck league, hopefully you had Wade Phillips or Brad Childress.


To Thigpen or not to Thigpen – 11/18

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

That was the question, and it’s starting to look like I missed the bus. THE BUS OF PAIN. (sorry)

As I sit here watching the second of these wonderful holiday season Thursday night games, Joe Theismann is, as usual, annoying me to the point of making me question fundamental things about the universe. Like procreation, joy, etc.  Actually Joe is a great announcer and prepares like no other, but his intensity has always rubbed me the wrong way. Every game Joe Theismann announces is literally the superbowl in Joe’s mind. Two 0-15 teams could meet for the last game of the season and Joe would go off on some diatribe like “I LIKE THIS MATCH UP. THESE TEAMS ARE HUNGRY AND THIS IS A PLAYOFF TYPE ATMOSPHERE. ” before he rips his shirt off and eats it. Joe, really it’s Buffalo vs. Cincinatti, drop this charade and admit they suck. Anyhow, it’s actually Chicago vs. Miami and suck prospect Tyler Thigpen is humming along with a pick (damn near 2, his second was overturned in review), a sack, a fumble, a whole half of football left, and -3.80 points. This could be big, if he keeps his eyes on the prize and throws another pick, and then say loses a fumble, this could be one of the better (worse) performances of the week. But I decided to roll with Tony Pike. (sshyee) Sorry, I had a small seizure of joy thinking about Tony Pike vs. Baltimore. Or possibly Brian St. Pierre. (Whoever the heck that is). But John Fox won’t name a starter just yet. He’s obviously playing a classic game of chess with Jim Harbagh because you can’t possibly game plan for both Brian St. Pierre AND Tony Pike. Whatever will Baltimore do? Or, is it in reality, the fact that in the 14 ½ minutes and counting that John Fox has left as coach of the Carolina football Panthers, he’s lost the will to even bother choosing between two players that couldn’t beat out Jimmy Clausen or the other guy for the starting job?  (I really don’t feel like looking his name up.) Fine Matt Moore. Actually he was my QB for game one and did very well (poorly). Sorry Matt, it’s hard sometimes to keep everybody’s name straight in suck league. Actually it’s safe to say in suckleague, if you can’t remember your guy’s name, you more than likely have a winner! (loser). Anyway once John Fox pulls the trigger on Brian St. Pike or Tony Pierre, that’s my option for the week. I will, as we all will, watch on pins and needles as the mighty Thigpen leads his troops into the second act of Superbowl 45. Joe Theisman just punched Bob Papa in the forehead and is putting some kind of shaman voodoo curse on Matt Millen because they won’t admit Carlos Dansby is the greatest defender in the history of the NFL.


Game day report – 11/14

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

(queue that guy’s voice that used to do the old NFL films highlights) Today, A meeting of giants. On my side? Youth. And the stupidity that accompanies youth. And a really crappy team around said youth. My nemesis has gone the opposite route. Age. Lots of age. And questionable talent. Questionable even before the age kicked in. And a really overrated bad team around questionably talented age. It’s suckleague hotshot Jimmy Clausen, and the supporting (sort of) crew known as the Carolina football Panthers, taking on John Kitna and the crap train of horrible that is the Dallas Cowboys.

The mighty Clausen The mighty Kitna

I also bet on Dallas’ D to fold against a strong Giants team. My adversary went with the Jacksonville Jaguar defense. Not a bad call either, Houtson’s offense will put up 30 on an above average day. So with the whiney young superstar and the mess that is Dallas’ D in my pocket I felt pretty good going into today’s game. I’ll spoil the ending, I was victorious but not by much and it was pretty scary for a while: Up at 1pm, my QB and his defense. Clausen looked predicable uncomfortable, but just never found his suck groove. He was oddly competent in taking care of the ball. There’s no room for that, he’ll need to focus better next week. There were lots of interception opportunities, but Tampa’s D just couldn’t come up with any. So Clausen gave me 5.20. You never want to see positive points, but 5.20 is no cause for panic. Jacksonville’s D was predictably average bordering on bad and yielded my opponent 2.00.

Queue 4:15, show time. Time for Dallas’ D to collapse and win this thing for me. I never go near veteran QBs, well mostly never, but Kitna vs the Giants D was making me nervous. However he went out and showed why I stay away from veterans. 3 TDs and a mess of yards, 24.6 points. The day is mine.

Or is it. Wait, Dallas’ D is playing well, what the deuce?  Not sure if they like Jason Garrett or are simply running scared now that Jerry Jones has lowered the shithammer of pain in big D, but 2 picks, a TD, and a recovered fumble? The last quarter of this game aged me several years. But in the end, the 17 points Dallas’ D put up was no match for John Kita’s epic loss of direction. Victor, me:  22.20 to 26.60.