December, 2010

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Suckleague Danger – 12/28

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

I shot myself in the foot this week. A persistent danger in negative fantasy football is focusing too much on your quarterback and making a half assed choice on defense. Jimmy Clausen reeked with definitude, delivering another masterful nonsuccess that yeilded me -5.00 points. I was so confident in his ability to impose his inability on Pittsburg that I spent all of 13 seconds selecting Minnesota as my defense. And I sure am paying for it now.

Had I put even minimal effort into it, Oakland, Buffalo, and Seattle would have jumped off the screen at me. The adversary is destroying me thanks to Minnesota’s 21 points. I guess I’ll blame the mayor of Philly. He’s a wuss that can’t do calculus according to the governor.

Mayor of Philly

Welcome back to the NFL – 12/23

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

Finally, James Richard Clausen faces an NFL defense in the Pittsburgh Steelers. That stupid performance last week still has me a little bitter. Good job on that 1 TD against Arizona, but welcome back to the NFL. (I Just wish Troy and his damn hair were playing, but I should still be fine.)

Troy and his damn hair

Defensively, I took the aging, flat out broken Minnesota team. The adversary has pulled the trigger on Buffalo’s D and Matt Hasslebeck. I have no idea what he’s thinking, tampa’s defense is full of no names at this point. Kerry Collins.

Some thoughts on some of the available talent this week:

John Skelton: Could be the way to go, but Dallas gives up a ton of points. However, never count out how inexperienced this kid is though and, as stated earlier, he’s playing with a defense that Jimmy Clausen managed to throw a TD on.

Joe Webb: Could be a very strong pick vs. Philly, but he’s got some wheels. Risk it if you want.

Mark Sanchez: I apologize for putting this image in everyone’s head, I know I spent a few hours yesterday staring at the sun trying to get it out of mine, but will Rex Ryan’s foot fetish videos affect this team? Hard to imagine it won’t, could be a massive distraction for Sanchez.

Jay Culter: Again, I apologize for putting this image in everyone’s head, I know I spent several hours yesterday looping the last 10 minutes of A Clockwork Orange trying to get it out of mine, but will Rex Ryan’s foot fetish videos be something the Jets actually rally around? You know Culter is good for 4 picks every few games, is this it?

Rex Grossman: Can that streak of one good game in the last 10 years be improved upon?

All this said, we certainly believe in respecting people’s privacy. Uploading your sex videos to You Tube is the opposite of that. Of course, this is news that will affect the games this week, so it’s going to come up. And as the adversary so wisely pointed out, if you’re going to put your stuff on You Tube, you should be laughing along with the rest of us. Should be interesting to see how the Jets react.

As I watch the Thursday night game, Carolina has had the ball on offense maybe 4 minutes in the first 3 quarters. However Jimmy Clausen is making the most (least) of it, hanging at -2.60 at the moment, leading (not leading) his team to a 20-0 deficit. Bob Papa just made the following comment: “Let’s see if Carolina can make the Steelers pay for going for it on 4th down.”

I SHOULD let Matt Millen make a few more points before I vote that the dumbest comment in the history of the universe, but it’s getting late.

Bizzaro Week comes to a close – 12/20

Monday, December 20th, 2010

And as oddly as it started, it ends.

In a week where I thought fantasy football servers around the country would fail one after the other, because there must be some theoretical lower limit to a negative signed integer that if exceeded causes a modern processor to lose hope and fail, what started as the “triangle of horror”, mutated into the “pentagon of putrid” and finally spawned the “heptagon of hideous” has shocked the reverse fantasy football world, resulting in nothing short of the Totem Pole of Awesome. While Croyle and Webb were spared, (Favre has just started for Minnesota as I write this), minus John Skelton’s reasonably terrible -3.60, this group of outcasts, rookies, near rookies, and supposed washups turned our suck league on it’s ear:

Somehow in this decimation, I won the week. In spite of Clausen’s efficiency, San Francisco’s defense was spectatuarly awful, netting me -6.00. Along with Clausen, my total 4.60 was a safe victory over the adversary’s Matt Flynn / Green Bay defense’s combined 20.80.

Seasoned bald veteran Matt Hasslebeck sits atop this week’s Shame Pole, crushing his less experienced competition. Way to thug up Matt, at least somebody tried.

History in the Making – 12/18

Saturday, December 18th, 2010

I can’t keep up.

We’ve been doing negative fantasy football longer than I can remember at this point, and I’ve never seen this much potential (imminent doom) in one week.
Ever.
I mean, really? Matt Cassel STILL isn’t better, so they’re wheeling out Brodie Croyle again this week over in cowtown. Add to that the debut performance of Joe,“I don’t even know who I am“, Webb starting for the Vikings. AGAINST CHICAGO? IN A YEAR WHEN CHICAGO HAS AN ACTUAL CHICAGO DEFENSE? REALLY? And this superimposed on the already overcrowded “triangle of horror”?

Euripides could have retired at 24 with this much freaking tragedy.

This could get ugly – 12/17

Friday, December 17th, 2010

It’s tough decision week in suck league. Sticking with Jimmy Clausen as he faces a really putrid Arizona team (playing Denver does not count) has me nervous enough. It’s a long term decision, his two games after AZ are Steelers and Falcons. (I can’t stop smiling about that).

However, with events this week, I’m now truly mortified:

1)     Aaron Rogers going down means the centurion of accuracy Matt Flynn is facing the Patriots. IN BOSTON. WITH NO DEFENSE OR RUNNING GAME TO SPEAK OF.

2)     Mike Shanahan has benched Donovan McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman. When you’re done laughing, try to grasp the repugnance of that move.

As of now, the adversary has Matt Flynn getting the nod. I’m not sure anything can help me, but with what I’ll refer to as the “triangle of horror” making its debut this week, we are in for some truly appalling quarterback play.

Anticipate fantasy numbers that plummet right through the earth’s crust into pools of molten magma.

Headed for Canton – 12/15

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Scratch that, the suckleague hall of fame will not be in the freezing cold terrible midwest, it will be in Sarasota.  Or maybe South Beach. Whatever, we’ll figure that out, but 100% it won’t be north of Georgia.

Lone member Alex Smith, 2005, is LONG overdue for some company. And my boy, James Richard Clausen is on track to do just that.

He’s NEGATIVE FOURTEEN for the season. For you noobs, having a negative number FOR THE SEASON (provided you’ve played more than a game or two) is damn near impossible to acheive. Anyone can pull a -10 one week,  but they usually bounce back or have schizophrenically unpredictable swings of “ok” and “terrible”. This kind of horror consistency is rare indeed. It’s very reminiscent of Alex Smith’s rookie season in many ways. You have a coach with not a ton to lose by keeping him in, as well as coaching / management that wants their supposed “franchise guy” to take his lumps and get better. It’s the suckleague perfect storm, and we haven’t seen it since 05 to this extent.

Carolina’s upcoming schedule is favorable as well. Yes, they play the Cardinals this week, but their last 2 games are @Pittsburg and @Atlanta. Wow. (No I didn’t get a boner thinking about that. Much)

Folks, we may be catching lightning in a bottle one more time.

James Richard

RODGERS!!! – 12/13

Monday, December 13th, 2010

Well my suckleague winning (losing) streak is over. One man took me down, strong enough to take down Jimmy Clausen. No, not John Skelton. He was responsible with the football and yielded my opponent 5.00 points. Clausen was once again brilliant (not at all brilliant) and netted me -4.20 points. So why no joy in Clausenslavia? One man, or I should say lack of one man, AARON RODGERS.

Are you kidding me? Curtis Painter just called and thinks Green Bay is too dependent on their QB. Can a team be that bad without one guy? (Colts fan, don’t answer that). The freaking Lion’s defense, was able to have their way with Matt “smell the ownage” Flynn. Ugh, 20.00 points,  the Lion’s offense wishes they could score 20 points!

Oh well.

AARON!!!!

This too shall scab over.

Abandon all hope – 12/12

Sunday, December 12th, 2010

PANIC. The adversary has acquired John Skelton. That’s right, the goddamn Fordham shit train of justice John Skelton. I don’t know that Henne or Clausen can help me.

Kerry Collins likes to pick his nose – 12/9

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

No, I haven’t decided a winner (loser) in the Henne / Clausen debate. I’m hoping a new post will clear my thoughts. Some current mental dry heaves:

Man I love having football on Thursday night. That said, these announcers are killing me. I took about 15 minutes to see what kind of quotes I could get from this crew:

Matt Millen: “Big players make big plays in big games.” Isn’t there a convention of guys who’ve destroyed NFL franchises and say stupid obvious things that you’re late for?

Kerry collins picking his nose on the sideline. I know that’s not a quote, but I can’t not write that down.

Bob papa: “God’s blessed him with a gun.” What?

Matt Millen: “He uses his power to get into the end zone.” Interesting choice, I’d have thought he might use his sense of humor or zeal for chess.

Matt Millen: “Great players got to make great plays.” That’s fascinating, I wonder what big players should do?

Ok, enough, I would imagine Santa is considering cancelling Christmas if he’s watching this. Hopefully I make a decision on Henne / Clausen at some point.

Ride him til the wheels fall off – 12/8

Wednesday, December 8th, 2010

Tempting fate is always a massive danger in suckleague. Cumulative weeks of bad play by young quarterbacks tend to equate to something known as “experience”. This phenomenon has the unfortunate effect of lessening terrible play. Consequently IT HAS NO PLACE HERE AND I HATE IT. But alas, I will still take my chances and, no surprise here, surrounded by a truly, genuinely heinous Carolina team, I’ll be riding Jimmy Clausen until the wheels fall off. (Rumor has it John Fox has him on his suck team as well)

Other notables: It looks like Derek Andersen is responding to the adversity of the past few weeks with some really solid, terrible quarterback play. However, facing Denver in chapter one of the “Studesville” epoch, anything can happen. DA was a solid (god awful) play last week, but I can’t shake this feeling that he will respond with some greatness (greatness) as some point. Play him at your own risk.

If Tampa’s defense wasn’t so decimated, Donovan Mcnabb might be a great (horrendous) play. But most compelling, Chad “the shithammer of pain” Henne faces the Jets. This had the potential to be a truly epic fail had New England not removed the Jets’ scrotum last week. I’ll have more in a bit, Henne is starting to sound better than Clausen. Maybe. I need to retire to my thinking area. (Drink a beer on the toilet). Oh screw you, don’t judge me.