January, 2011

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Excellence when called upon – 1/23

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

This post is about excellence (implosion), manning up (sobbing on the inside), and focus (complete lack of focus). But to that in a moment.

I’m currently watching the Jets / Steelers game on the network that hates all of us, CBS. Understood I’ve said this before, but it’s ceaseless. HOW CAN AUDIO BE THIS BAD?

It’s like they constructed an uncommonly large coffee can, (roughly 8 feet high with a 5 foot diameter), hoisted it into the middle of the section 138, and Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are standing inside of it and calling the game. Only I think in all seriousness, THAT WOULD SOUND BETTER THAN WHAT THIS GAME SOUNDS LIKE. I KNOW I’M ON AN ALL CAPS METH BINGE OF SORTS, BUT I HATE, HATE, HATE CBS BROADCASTS. And dammit, I want to watch this game!

And Phil Simms’ asinine comments are taking a painful experience and elevating it to harrowing torment. Granted, the Jets are playing better than I expected, but for the most part, the Steelers are beating them handily. But Dr. Dumbass can’t stop gushing about how the Jets are poised to dominate. He is literally engaging in a non-stop bukakke of fandom all over Jim Nantz’s face. I hope wake up soon and find the game is actually on Fox.

Speaking of which, back to the topic of this post.
I can’t say enough about Jay Cutler. In a game of that magnitude, in one half of football: 0 TDs, a fumble, an interception, a passer rating in the 30′s, then sit down with a knee injury. Are you kidding me? A performance like that in a conference championship game? You get nothing but props here.

Jay Cutler Smile

Didn’t Chris Simms play with no spleen once?

Future stars – 1/15

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

Well Andrew Luck is getting all PSA and pulling a Peyton Manning / Matt Leinart by staying in school.

If it’s jumped off the screen that those 2 have had quite different careers, you get a star. But let’s face it, whatever has come to be, they both sucked ass their first year. (One stopped sucking pretty hard). The mighty Andrew Luck would have as well, (his last name even rhymes with suck), and especially on a nonexistent Carolina team. Well I mean technically they exist in that they take up three dimensional space, but not in a football sense.

Anyway, this might not be all bad news.
I like Luck. And surely when he does come out, he’ll have youth and inexperience on his side and for a period, stink up the joint famously. But my gut feeling is, like a Matt Ryan or Sam Bradford, I see Luck not sucking pretty quickly. Not betting my autographed Max Hall jersey on it, but it’s just a hunch. So this REALLY opens up the field to some ponderously questionable “first” round talent in this year’s draft.

We’ll be breaking down their Suckleague potential as it gets closer to draft time, but get familiar with these names: Blaine Gabbert, Cam Newton, Jake Locker, Ryan Mallett, Pat Devlin, Andy Dalton, and Nathan Enderle. Spine chilling amounts of awful this way come.

We'll save a spot for you next year

On another note, in one of the many poignant, reality based conversations that the adversary and I have, (that will no doubt confuse military psychiatrists of the far future to no end), he suggested that I change my middle name to “Pilsner”. Not for any particular reason, it just sounded dope. I naturally thought; if I were going to do that, why not change my first and last name as well? So I came up with “Immutable Pilsner Jackhammer” as a potential full name.

You hear “And your name is?” all day long, what a great response that would be. Feel free to name your children this.

Hall of Fame – 1/8

Saturday, January 8th, 2011

Welcome to the Suckleague.com 2010 season hall of fame induction cermony. Queue some doves or wounded pigeons or whatever.

First an overview:
Player’s don’t get inducted into the Suckleague hall of fame, player-seasons do. Our up until now only member (Alex Smith-2005) is statistically pretty average at this point in his NFL career, and wouldn’t make any kind of hall of fame, good or bad. Right now, I think he’s a pretty decent QB, if he could stay healthy.

However, the Alex Smith of 2005 was so special in the negative fantasy football world, he’s been our lone hall of fame member for going on 5 years now. But this year, as Yoda would say, there is another. And in a much creepier voice. Not that you can hear me.

Jimmy Clausen-2010 went -2.60 for the year. Let’s put that in perspective. It’s damn near impossible to go negative for the year if you play more than 2 or 3 games. Sure others this year have worst scores, but they played 3 games or so at best. This guy threw for 1500 yards and ended up in the negative, and that’s unheard of. As with anyone, we wish Jimmy Clausen a very successful NFL career, but in the here and now, clearly it’s time to honor his accomplishments in 2010.

I asked for comment regarding Clausen’s season, and the adversary had this to say:

Adversary: Let’s not forget John Fox’s role in all this. Most coaches don’t have the conviction to stay with a guy that’s playing that poorly with no sign of getting better.

Me: Well he didn’t have anyone else though, I think Matt Moore was hurt.

Adversary: I disagree.

Me: Huh?

Adversary: There are practice squad guys. The field goal kicker. Or play wildcat every down. I applaud Fox for not resorting to wild ass ideas.

Me: Hmm. So you feel putting the field goal kicker in at QB or running wildcat every play would have been a better idea?

Adversary: Who holds kicks for Carolina?

Me: I have no idea. I’m fairly certain nobody knows that.

Adversary: Surely there was some reciever that played QB in high school somewhere on that roster. Or put 3 tailbacks in and snap the ball to one of them.

Me: So we’re up to anyone who’s every played QB ever at any level, the field goal holder, the wildcat every play, 3 tailbacks, as well as things like 4 or 5 tight end sets, and any of these were better options and John Fox should get credit for not going that route?

Adversary: Yes.

Me: Fair enough, good point.

If this were real, and since the meds wore off not too long ago, I can’t for sure say that it isn’t, Jimmy could be heard to say:

“So many people to thank. My coaches, for calling plays that middle school defenses could see coming. Depriving me of any verteran quarterback to learn from made it that much more special. Oh and a line that couldn’t stop paper mache defenders, can’t say enough about those guys. Also the fans on the sidelines that wear Panther jerseys and kind of look like receivers sometimes. And I’ve got to thank Notre Dame for being a giant fraud of a program. Playing nothing but 2 bit vocational schools and service academies really prepared me for this moment.

I guess if this year taught me anything, it’s confirmed my belief that whichever team scores more points is going to win the football game.”

Charlie Weis couldn’t be reached for comment, as nobody knows what league or team he is employed by this week.

The horror – 1/2

Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Clausen threw a TD.

I have no desire to talk about my score this week.

However, something truly wonderful happened. The adversary, as this is a gentleman’s game and he is a gentleman (asshole) (sorry, just bitter about the loss), IM’d me this morning and wanted to start either Fitzpatrick or Brohm. However Chan Gailey wouldn’t name a starter. Of course not I thought, would you? Can you imagine the level of discomposure and depth of angst in that Jets locker room while they wait? And wonder, and agonize? Nor can I.

But I’m a good sport and I hate indecisive coaches as well so I said sure, why not, just call it Buffalo’s QB and whoever starts is yours. Again, the core of suckleague is the sense that no matter who your opponent selects, you always have the chance to win.

You know, unless your opponent’s QB scores NEGATIVE FIFTEEN. I mean, holy shit, this is historic. I’ll have to check the archives, but if that’s not the worst single QB score ever, it’s certainly in the top 3 (bottom 3). Plus he had Cleveland’s defense for -12.00, totally ambuscading my poor guys with an utterly disgusting -27.00. Bra freaking vo is all I can say, eye of the tiger man.

Fittingly, I’ll take the remainder of this post and tip my hat to my newest suckleague man-crush, Brian Brohm. As always, we’ll wish him nothing but success in the NFL, but also as always, take your time getting there. For comparison’s sake, my best (most horrific) QB showing of the year was week 5, Jimmy Clausen: -9.20.

Negative fifteen. I’m awe struck Brian, good on you.

Brian freaking Brohm

The most unwonderful time of the year – 1/1

Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Inevitably week 17 comes and who the hell knows who’s starting or sitting in some cases. While traditional (less manly) fantasy football leagues are done playing due to this fact, (please enjoy some tea and a scone, can I get you a fresh tampon?) Suckleague negative fantasy football again proves it’s superiority by providing continual fun and challenge for the entire season. (Heck you could even play it into the playoffs).

I will of course, wrap this regular season up with Jimmy Clausen. Atlanta technically needs to win, but it wouldn’t shock me if they jump ahead and rest some guys, so backup defenders could be a possibility here. But really, was Clausen any better in college when he played guys like he’ll face on Sunday in Atlanta’s backup defenders? Exactly.

Here’s what I can make of week 17:

Alex Smith – It can’t get much worse for the San Francisco 49ers this year. Well I mean it could, they could all get gout or something, but from a football perspective, it can’t get much worse. Firing your coach before the final game of the season spells a big fat massengill for the entire organization, players on up. Alex (and Troy) Smith can pretty much count on backing up somebody else next year, be it in San Fran or elsewhere. That said, Arizona’s defense is bona fide repulsive, but you never know, Alex may have mailed it in already.

Trent Edwards – Uckkk. (I don’t know, how do you spell that sound of disdain, it’s kind of like “yuck” but there no “y” sound and the “ck” sound is kind of dragged out. Kind of like ucccch. Anyway, that sound.) Any other game and I’d be pretty interested in this pick, but Houston’s defense? Houston’s defense. That’s akin to saying Carolina’s offense, so stay away from Trent Edwards.

John Skelton – I always like this pick. Skelton is completing rougly 45 percent of his passes and almost never sees the endzone. Tough call against a messed up San Francisco team, but could pay off big.

Joe Webb – NO, I’ve been saying this the whole time, and he proved it against Philly. Now he faces Detroit. NO.

Chad Henne – Oh the Suckleague gods couldn’t have had this game 2 weeks ago? Henne is playing perfectly woeful right now (not much protection isn’t helping) and Brandon Marshall just publically called him out. This could have been suckleague star alignment, but New England has the number one seed locked up and will probably call me (and possibly the adversary) to help out on defense so they don’t risk injuring their 5th string players.

Colt Mccoy – Maybe, but man, maybe not. He’s yet to do really poorly that I’ve seen, and he kind of looks like he’ll be good. Roll the dice on this one if you’re feeling it, it’s still Pittsburg’s defense, and you don’t get much better than that.

Ryan Fitzpatrick – This guy is freaking Sybil, swinging from amazing to putrid all year. He has performance Tourettes and clearly has no idea who he is or what his goals are. And there is no room for that around here. Avoid him like that pubic hair you find on the bathroom counter while he works through his multiple personality issues.

Brian Hoyer – This is my favorite pick behind Clausen mainly because I don’t know who Brian Hoyer is.
I jest. He is of course the very accomplished (not at all accomplished) backup quarterback of the New England Patriots. I don’t see any reason Miami doesn’t try to beat up on New England’s backups, so I can see Hoyer having a pretty bad day. Still, betting on Miami for anything is a terrible idea in theory.

Charlie Whitehurst – Tough, tough call. He has no place starting on an NFL offense right now, but it’s the best game in the worst division in football, making it the worst best NFC matchup of the year (I think.) They give out plastic mediocrity trophies every week in the NFC west. It’s also looking like Hasselbeck has a chance to start, so watch this one. You know, if you like staring at bad football teams.

Rex Grossman – Is there any comment I could offer to enhance or clarify Rex Grossman’s NFL football resume? No, fire away on this pick.

Todd Collins - Blah. (Sounds like it’s spelled). If he starts, just maybe. But he’s a long, long tenured veteran and that’s always dangerous. Give me the rookie any day. But, Green Bay really needs to win, so maybe.

Defensively, I like (am repulsed by) Carolina, Cleveland, Tampa, and Dallas. I’m going with Tampa. I believe they have something like 12 starters on injured reserve. They need to win, I love them, they have a lot of heart, etc., but sorry guys, you’re out of players and this is for Suckleague glory.

So there you have week 17. As for me, I’m going out the same way I got here. Come on Jim, one more for the road. This is for the title.

Jimmy Clausen in the title fight