September, 2011

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No need to panic

Friday, September 30th, 2011

I didn’t have a chance to post at all last week, so let me first get up to speed on last week’s match:

I am knocking over Kerry’s Collin’s garbage cans next time I pass his house.

I played it pretty well I thought, Blain Gabbert at QB, Buffalo on D. The adversary jumped on Kerry Collins slinging the rock and Kansas City for his “defense”.

Defenses, however, were no help. Both well into the positive. Also, did I miss a meeting or something, when did Buffalo get good? Gabbert was reasonably terrible, a pick and TD, tad over a 100 yards. Not the epic it could have been, but 2.40 points isn’t the end of the world. Hence I entered Sunday evening needing Collins to score a paltry 5.5 points, and I’d be golden. If his 7000 years of experience can just allow him to be an efficient veteran for one lousy game, I’ll have the day.

3.60 points later, Kerrance gets knocked out with a concussion. I lost (won) by 1.9 lousy points. Enjoy those upright garbage cans, Kerry. FOR NOW.

Enter week 4.

Blaine Gabbert and Curtis Painter are going to play each other.

What an odd sounding statement. What’s wrong with their parents? Who made up those names? That sounds like what a kindergartner would turn in if his homework assignment was “Write a complete sentence”.

See Blaine run. See Curtis Painter fall down. See Blaine throw 8 interceptions. See Curtis throw 2 touchdowns. See the adversary cry. Yeah, so that’s my hope anyway, reality could be quite different.

The adversary was nice enough to grab Curtis Painter before the reporter could even finish saying the words: “It’s official, the Colts are starting Cur”….<mouse click>…”Hey I grabbed Curtis Painter, how’s Tampa’s D been looking?”.

I’m going big, nay, HUGE on Denver’s defense. That team is so messed up right now, so mark my words (don’t really), Denver is headed to the reverse fantasy football hall of fame when Green Bay drops 70 on them. The adversary is betting on Oakland giving up 30 or 40 to the chowds, which sadly is probable.

Wait, what was that noise? I didn’t hear anything, DID YOU KERRY COLLINS?

Kerry Collins trashcan

The Andy Dalton experiment is over

Sunday, September 18th, 2011

We could have been something special Andy. Alas, the Bengals schedule is simply a joke, and Andy Dalton is improving, gaining confidence, and playing better each week. While I’m happy for Andy and his career, this does nothing for my Suckleague team. It was a terrible (positive) week for me, Dalton was efficient and good for 2 TDs. My defense, Miami, while not good by any stretch, was in the positive as well, albeit with a meager +2.

The adversary’s team however, was absolutely disgusting. Luke Mccown, if by some freak of chance he continues to start, is looking to breeze into the Suckelague hall of fame.

Four… 4… \for\… ****… The square root of sixteen… Cuatro… 3 plus one… Wake me up be-FOUR you fucking go-go….. FOUR interceptions before being sat down. How. How, do you leave a guy in after say, I don’t know, THREE?

Anyway, combined with Carolina’s woeful -3.00 performance against Green Bay, the adversary’s team flat out decimated my supposed “team” with a -17.80 to my very un-suckleaguelike 25.40.

Back to the drawing board, the title of the post says it all.

Andy Dalton experiment over

Not feeling it

Saturday, September 17th, 2011

Reverse fantasy football 2011, one game in with Dalton, and I don’t know if I have the stomach for this. The Benglas play NOBODY for quite a while. Check out their next 4 games, or as I’ll call it, the quartet of rubbish:

Denver, San Francisco, Buffalo, Jacksonville.

Dr. Frankenstein couldn’t piece together a competitive opponent out of those teams. Does Denver have a defense? Jacksonville? Are they still in Jacksonville?

I swore Cincy played Pittsburg and Baltimore twice a year, and apparently they do, like 10 weeks from now. Don’t be shocked if I drop Dalton if he performs against Denver, I can’t count on defense only. On that note, I went with the Dolphins “defense”, and I’ll use that term lightly based on the 7000 yards they gave up last week.

The adversary is loaded up with Luke Mccown and Carolina’s defense, and that’s a strong lineup. Dalton is on the clock.
Here’s a picture of a 1995 Buick Skylark, I need an omen.

Terrible car

Cleveland really sucks

Monday, September 12th, 2011

It’s no secret I secured the first pick of our suckleague draft, and with that pick, without hesitation I pulled the trigger on Andy Dalton. Review – No brainer:  greener than green, blah college conference, unusual hair, wait a minute, Alex Smith the sequel.  I’m good for the season.

Except that I’m not, now that they played Cleveland. Can’t they not stop any quarterback? Now Dalton probably has some confidence going into his next game.  THANKS, CLEAVLAND DOES NOT ROCK.

Thankfully, my D came through for me. New Orleans was beyond tremendous (utterly flimsy) netting me -12.00 points before the weekend even got started. The adversary came to his senses between draft and game time, smartly engaging the services of Luke Mccown (.40 points) and not as smartly, Minnesota’s D (7.00 points). Despite Dalton’s stupid 6 points, I have started the season with victory, and in the negative, -6.00.

On another note, for reasons I’ll never understand, the adversary and myself got to discussing the lyrics to Night Ranger’s 1983 anthem “You can still rock in America” earlier today. Again, for the benefit of future military psychologists, I’ll preserve it here:

Me:  I Never understood those lyrics, can one not rock in other countries?

The Adversary: When could you not rock in America, or when was the idea floated that you might not be able to? Did Reagan slip that into some speech that I was not aware of? What could have moved those guys to not only wrote a song about it, but get really angry and upset about it? Hmmmm. I don’t believe you can rock in North Korea.

Me: I’ll agree with that, but I doubt the song was directed at North Korea.

The Adversary: Hmmm.

Me: Perhaps if we could identify this “Little sister by the record machine” person.

The Adversary: Yeah, is she being oppressed? Is she just standing there not being able to rock?

Me:  What could hinder her ability to rock? Is there a power outage?

The Adversary: That could very well be it. There’s no power and Jack Blades is saying “Hey, you can still rock without power”.

Me: Well hang on though. Clearly “She’s goin’ out she’s gonna party tonight”, so, if she has no power, I don’t think that would be an issue.

The Adversary: I’m reading the lyrics, it seems to be about incest to me.

Me: There is nothing about geopolitical borders in this song, what the hell is the chorus about?

The Adversary: Well it’s very nationalistic. She’s sneaking out and wakes her dad, her dad asks if everything is ok, but she still leaves.

Me: Yeah with her brother. Or somebody’s brother. I guess hers. Maybe it’s her dad’s brother.

The Adversary: I’ve got to think her parents don’t give a shit about brother, he can stay out all he wants. Perhaps her parents are North Korean.

Me: Right, he can stay out with “his driving machine” which we can assume to be a car.

The Adversary: Or a tractor.

Me: In Korea?

The Adversary: Citizens aren’t allowed to have cars. They are either farmers or military. You have to be granted a license for a car in North Korea. But I think some sort of tractor might be ok. So little brother has the tractor fired up, and they are heading to the DMZ to watch a band on an American military base? Technically to rock in America, since it’s a US base. That’s my theory.

Me: So, in defiance of their parents, Korean siblings are taking a tractor to some US military base to enjoy a USO program?

The Adversary: And Jack Blades is there screaming how they can rock in America.

Me: Makes sense.

The Adversary: Now sister Christian, that’s even more of a puzzle. With all the motoring. How do you motor? And what’s your price for flight?

Me: Forget it, the Korean tractor song made more sense.

WhatTheHellAmIScreamingAbout

WE. ARE. BACK.

Sunday, September 4th, 2011

The Suckleague fantasy draft 2011 just wrapped up tonight.

The adversary and myself locked wills in our umpteenth annual suck draft. Except that we really didn’t. I walk away from this years draft not knowing what on earth he’s thinking. To the recap:

Results of the coin toss for rights to pick first? Shut up. Men don’t toss a coin, they get creative. I had the adversary to pick a company and he went with Nike. Then we each had 5 seconds to guess what year said company formed. He went with 1977, which was a strong guess. It’s hard to recall when sneakers became all the rage, but I felt must have been a tad earlier. I went with 1970. Apparently, Nike was formed in 1964. Who knew? I thought football players wore penny loafers and leather helmets in 1964.

But, as John Cleese would no doubt say, enough of this gay tangent.

Having won the toss, my mind was vacillating between Cam Cameron and Andy Dalton. Points being:

- Each is utterly green.
- Each is being banked on to be the savior of the franchise.
- At an NFL level, right now, they both suck.

So, seemingly a dead heat. However, Cam Newton has wheels. One cannot deny that. But Andy Dalton. Andy Dalton has? Andy Dalton has absurd hair. And no wheels. And a shitty offense. And a horrible owner. I just started 3 sentences with “And” which is a grammatical no-no in English. But English is a stupid language, so I don’t care (“I” before “E” my grandma’s ass, explain “height” and “society”)

I’m telling you, this year is a potential suckleague total eclipse of the heart (Bonnie Tyler reference pwnage):

Andy fucking Dalton, he sucks (right now, we wish him all the success in the world, but he currently sucks, deal) and THEY HAVE NOBODY ELSE, AND THE OWNER IS BEHIND HIM. And if only to spite Carson Palmer. Tangent: How bad of an owner is Mike Brown? He actually hates his team. As opposed to get high picks for Carson Palmer, HE’S NOT TRADING HIM OUT OF SPITE. Anyway, LOTS of luck with that Cinci fan.

Back to Andrew. THIS IS ALEX SMITH 2005 ALL OVER AGAIN. I’M RIDING THIS HORSE UNTIL ITS MANE BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND CAUSES THE REST OF THE HORSE TO EXPLODE.

Defensively I took New Orleans. Remember, Suckleauge is week to week, and I feel freaking Green Bay at home on a freaking Thursday night, first game of the freaking season, come on, Aaron Rogers should toss 5-6 TDs no problem.

Now, as to the adversary’s picks.
QB: Tavaris Jackson. Ok. Wait, what? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I see nothing to get behind in Tavaris Jackson either, but they’re playing San Francisco. I mean that’s an OK defense, I’ll admit that. But seems to me, that’s a risky pick. His defense: Denver. Really? He’s counting on Oakland? Counting on Oakland for anything other than shooting 49er fans and lighting cars on fire is again, risky. The adversary is either:

- Out of practice
- Knows something I don’t
- High

Any / All are possible at this point, that stupid lockout has us all a tad rusty. And high.