The Suckleague fantasy draft 2011 just wrapped up tonight.
The adversary and myself locked wills in our umpteenth annual suck draft. Except that we really didn’t. I walk away from this years draft not knowing what on earth he’s thinking. To the recap:
Results of the coin toss for rights to pick first? Shut up. Men don’t toss a coin, they get creative. I had the adversary to pick a company and he went with Nike. Then we each had 5 seconds to guess what year said company formed. He went with 1977, which was a strong guess. It’s hard to recall when sneakers became all the rage, but I felt must have been a tad earlier. I went with 1970. Apparently, Nike was formed in 1964. Who knew? I thought football players wore penny loafers and leather helmets in 1964.
But, as John Cleese would no doubt say, enough of this gay tangent.
Having won the toss, my mind was vacillating between Cam Cameron and Andy Dalton. Points being:
- Each is utterly green.
- Each is being banked on to be the savior of the franchise.
- At an NFL level, right now, they both suck.
So, seemingly a dead heat. However, Cam Newton has wheels. One cannot deny that. But Andy Dalton. Andy Dalton has? Andy Dalton has absurd hair. And no wheels. And a shitty offense. And a horrible owner. I just started 3 sentences with “And” which is a grammatical no-no in English. But English is a stupid language, so I don’t care (“I” before “E” my grandma’s ass, explain “height” and “society”)
I’m telling you, this year is a potential suckleague total eclipse of the heart (Bonnie Tyler reference pwnage):
Andy fucking Dalton, he sucks (right now, we wish him all the success in the world, but he currently sucks, deal) and THEY HAVE NOBODY ELSE, AND THE OWNER IS BEHIND HIM. And if only to spite Carson Palmer. Tangent: How bad of an owner is Mike Brown? He actually hates his team. As opposed to get high picks for Carson Palmer, HE’S NOT TRADING HIM OUT OF SPITE. Anyway, LOTS of luck with that Cinci fan.
Back to Andrew. THIS IS ALEX SMITH 2005 ALL OVER AGAIN. I’M RIDING THIS HORSE UNTIL ITS MANE BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND CAUSES THE REST OF THE HORSE TO EXPLODE.
Defensively I took New Orleans. Remember, Suckleauge is week to week, and I feel freaking Green Bay at home on a freaking Thursday night, first game of the freaking season, come on, Aaron Rogers should toss 5-6 TDs no problem.
Now, as to the adversary’s picks.
QB: Tavaris Jackson. Ok. Wait, what? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I see nothing to get behind in Tavaris Jackson either, but they’re playing San Francisco. I mean that’s an OK defense, I’ll admit that. But seems to me, that’s a risky pick. His defense: Denver. Really? He’s counting on Oakland? Counting on Oakland for anything other than shooting 49er fans and lighting cars on fire is again, risky. The adversary is either:
- Out of practice
- Knows something I don’t
Any / All are possible at this point, that stupid lockout has us all a tad rusty. And high.