October, 2011

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Stick that in your Iliotibial Band and smoke it

Monday, October 31st, 2011

You heard me.

And, yeah, until about 24 hours ago, I had never heard of it either. Apparently it’s part of your knee, and mine is tweaked. And it hurts.

If you’re among our friends that live the Northeast, well let’s face it, you’re more than likely not reading this at the moment. And I can sympathize; my only remaining memories of New Jersey are as a lad of 6, shivering at the bus stop, waiting for the snot in my nose freeze, which took no time at all.

But that was a long time ago. Today, I’m trying to figure out what to do with this windfall of electricity I’m currently enjoying south of the Mason Dixon line. I’m also trying to figure out negative fantasy football this past week.

The Rams did what? Yep. They brought their own Iliotibial Band Syndrome on the Saints and won me my game.

Early Sunday, looking at the adversary’s line up consisting of the Rams defense and Tebow at QB, I mentally wrote this week off as a loss. I grabbed Matt Moore as I mentioned, and I ended up swapping out my defense to Jacksonville at the last minute: I was spending the day with a buddy of mine who is a Texans fan (I can’t win lottery, but I know a Texans fan), and it was kind of a sympathy thing. And of course, there was no way I was beating the adversary.

Reality: I could have started Tom Brady and beaten the adversary. The Rams’ defense alone was worth 23 points…. I will of course, take the win, and mock him accordingly.

As it’s Halloween, I feel like I should close with something scary…

Mc Rib

Admin down man, admin down

Friday, October 28th, 2011

I had the brilliant idea of running about twice the distance I normally run this week, and I really dorked up my knee. I’m able to walk, albeit barely, with all the grace of Frankenstein’s monster. If Frankenstein’s monster had a slight limp. A friend of mine, a former runner now in his 70s, hit me with this wisdom: “Never ego run”. Good call.

So as I lay here with my leg in the air, let’s talk about this week. This challenging (read: the rookies are good) year continues. My gut, usually dependable, now wears a bicycle helmet and a drool cup full time.

I can’t get my head around any better pick than Matt Moore this week. He’s hurtish (ribs) and not really all that greatish when he’s healthyish. The adversary pulled the trigger on Tim Tebow, and I hate him more than usual for that pick. (Kidding, I don’t hate him. Not any more than usual.)

Defensively, I like Washington at the moment. However, Buffalo’s “home” game is in Toronto, so that’s kind of throwing me. The adversary is staying with St. Louis.

And then there’s my knee: (Oh sorry, that’s a 1996 Oldsmobile Ciera Wagon. But you get the idea.)

I give up

Monday, October 24th, 2011

Christian Ponder is good. Blaine Gabbert is good. Andy Dalton, good. Cam Newton, really good. Rookies are tearing it up. This is the oddest Suckleauge year ever, and you can trust me, I don’t say that lightly.

It’s the year of the veteran in Suckleague. The adversary, with the mighty VETERAN Jay Feeley, trounced Christian Ponders’ first start ever in the NFL. Having Indianapolis’ “defense” certainly didn’t hurt either. I’m honestly at a loss for words right now. Rookies, typically the boob milk of Suckleague reverse fantasy football, are absolutely killing it. I’ll lick my wounds and regroup this week without a doubt, but join me in the hope that we never have a work stoppage in the NFL again.

F Rookies

Back to the drawing board

Thursday, October 20th, 2011

Well that’s it. The Blaine Gabbert / Andy Dalton era has come to close. There’s a maxim of Suckleague that I’ve always followed and it’s typically served me pretty well in decimating the adversary most years. And it is thus: Inexperience trumps everything.

However, not this year. The NFL is pass happy right now. Something like 4 quarterbacks are on pace to break Dan Marino’s record. “Experts” blame the lockout and maybe that’s so. If defenses just aren’t that good this year because of the work stoppage, it certainly explains why the rookie class is lighting it up.

That said, I have to go with my gut. CHRISTIAN PONDER GOT THE STARTING NOD YESTERDAY AND I WAS SHARP ENOUGH TO GRAB HIM… “Hey now, why the all caps, too much caffeine?”

NO, the adversary fell asleep at the wheel, and claims Mcnabb wasn’t benched until today, and by his logic, I MUST have “petitioned” some “deity” to backdate every news single news item on the internet for the entire planet. Can we be rational around here for half a second? Actually don’t answer that, but I didn’t “petition” any “deity” to backdate blog posts. I simply wouldn’t do that.

Besides he has Matt Moore… Who he dropped… For John Beck… I don’t know what kind of chain reaction of reverse fantasy football karma that’s bound set in motion, but I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE YOU ON SUNDAY DUDE, KARMA’S A BITCH.

Ok, I’m starting to sound like I drive a late 80s full size pickup with chrome wheels, so let’s just compose ourselves and talk about this week’s match up.

As stated, the adversary has gone with John Beck, who could be poised to proselytize as a missionary of awful. I am of course rolling hard with Christian Ponder, and if you’ve ever seen his girlfriend, you know Christian Ponder ALWAYS wins. Defensively I’ve grabbed Minnesota as well, but I’m not huge on putting all my eggs in one basket, so there may be an update there. The smelly liar adversary is going with Indy’s D against New Orleans, a very good (horrible) play.

So that’s it, I’m calling it. Ponder ends this streak of rookie awesomeness, and has a HORRIBLE week. In a football capacity, obviously….

Christian Ponder's girlfriend

Reverse fantasy football voodoo alleged

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Let’s get this out of the way. Matt Moore was disgusting. 2 fumbles and 2 interceptions.
-6.80, and I’ve lost the week.

However, none of it was natural. I remain convinced that the adversary and possibly some other Suckleague participants, whose seasons were also in a death spiral, engaged the services of some kind of dark mage or shaman to introduce some supernatural elements into last night’s game.

The evidence so far:

- Matt Moore is picked off by Derrelle Revis early in the game after Revis essentially molested Brandon Marshall well past the 5 yard mark where such man on man groping is permissible. All referees are temporarily and inexplicably blinded during this event.

- Brandon Marshall catches a sure touchdown pass from Matt Moore then is mysteriously “compelled” out of bounds by some kind of unseen shadow creature or an irresistible ethereal wind gust of sorts.

I could go on, but if you saw the game, clearly you’ll agree other forces were at work there.
Blaine Gabbert was of course not disgusting, 5 sacks (good show), 1 TD (bad show). I think the Blaine Gabbert experiment is headed to the same latrine that the Andy Dalton file is being stored in. I’ll no doubt have some poignant, coherent, and rational debate on the topic of my next quarterback selection later in the week.

So the game has changed. And if this is how the adversary wants to play it (telekinesis, polymorphism, interdimensional sabotage, apparently NOTHING is off the table) well that’s just fine, we can kick it up a notch.

Now if you’ll pardon me, my “dinner guest” and I have some calculations to finish up.

Steve will bring the karma

Try not to rubberneck

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

Quick update – like a bi-polar female in a shoe store, the adversary has just flip flopped his entire team and is starting Matt Moore (part of me just died a little) and Tampa Bay’s defense. I’m going to call this our strongest (most flaccid and rickety) match of the year.

Blaine Gabbert vs. the Steelers defense and Matt Moore vs. the Jets defense? A Greek bank would have issues calculating the result of this match up. Add in the ability of St. Louis and Tampa Bay’s “defenses” combined ability to stop the run, the pass, and a mild breeze, and this could very, very, very ugly (glorious).



Another milestone

Thursday, October 13th, 2011

These are exciting times in the Suckblogosphere*. According to the googles, our first resident from Austria has visited suckleague.com for some reverse fantasy football wisdom. Or, you know, by pure and utter accident. But this was no spam visit, our Teutonic friend stayed for nearly 2 minutes and clicked on 3 different pages. I can speculate as to his or her reaction. (Pretend I’m speaking in a solid Austriasloviciasian accent):

- “Vas es un Andy Dalton?”
- “I don’t understanden the lyrics to “You can still rock in America” either.”
- “Cleveland really does suck, even ve know that.”

So welcome. But enough of this international goodwill tangent, onto this week. I was so tempted to draft Matt Moore but I ended up sticking with Blaine Gabbert. No human has said that sentence ever.

Moore is a GREAT pick this week, but it came down to strength of schedule. Blaine’s next two opponents? Baltimore and Pittsburg. Yep, that was joy you just heard leaping out of my keyboard.

The adversary is either playing it brilliant or flat out dumb this week, going with Michael Vick. I want to mock this pick and mock it hard, but every week Vick gets worse, along with the rest of the team. Vick could be the suckleague sleeper of the week, odder things have happened.

Defensively, I grabbed St. Louis, a team that’s hard to say anything about other than, “Do they still have a team?” The adversary picked up the Jets who should fare quite well at home against Miami’s “team”.

I’d wanted to include a picture of something uniquely Austrian, and so many things came to mind, it was hard to pick. That is of course a complete lie, but a quick web search turns up that they invented PEZ. So there’s that. Look it’s Peyton Manning! You know, if Peyton Manning had injected human growth hormone into his chin for 6 months.

* thanks to Dan for inventing this term

Jacked up Manning


Wednesday, October 12th, 2011


Draft Matt Moore now. So, Draft Matt Moore right now… DRAFT MATT MOORE NOW. DRAFT MATT MOORE NOW.

Worst post ever? Very probably. However, DRAFT MATT MOORE NOW.

I’ll have a real post soon. In the meantime, you might DRAFT MATT MOORE NOW.

The mighty Matt

Blaine and Me

Monday, October 10th, 2011

Busy weekend at Suckleague central, let’s all get up to speed.

I’m still riding the reverse fantasy football chariot of greatness (terror) that is Blaine Gabbert. The wheels haven’t fallen off yet, but they’re clearly making a grinding noise, and I don’t think they’re exactly round either.

He’s GREAT (appalling) at fumbling the ball. 5 fumbles so far, and 2 of them lost. He’s thrown 2 picks as well, however, he’s thrown a touchdown every single week. That is the kind of lack of focus that will get you ZERO notoriety around here.

Defensively, I jumped on Carolina at the last minute and they showed up (mailed it in) for the most part with a -2.00. So I’m at a reasonably crappy 2.00 for the week as I write this. My fate however, is still not known, as the adversary has a Monday Night Football fetish. Apparently, he has to pick the QB that plays in the MNF game every week. On top of that, he’s a morning person, so he has to wait until Tuesday morning to find out what happened. It’s an odd strategy and it really hasn’t worked out for him, but it’s worked out smashingly for me, and I’ve stayed up to enjoy the last few Monday night games.

Defensively he went with Atlanta but they were only mildly terrible with a 6.00. His QB? Jay Culter. That’s what I thought at as well. Whatever you think about Jay Cutler, he’s been productive this year. I’ll hold off on posting this until the game is over, but in the meantime, let’s see what the Monday night game is next week: Ah, the adversary will go with Matt Moore.

UPDATE: Cutler fine, adversary sad. Goodnight.

I won, but we all lose

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

The adversary likened it to watching small puppies getting kicked or something to that affect, which of course, it was nothing like watching small puppies getting kicked at all, but Curtis Painter’s performance has to be one of the most disappointing Suck league events of the year. True, my band of warriors consisting of Blane Gabbert and Denver’s “defense” won the day with a competently mediocre 1.20 combined score. But I just can’t feel awesome about it. I mean, Curtis Painter could have been it. He could have rewritten the books on harrowing quarterback play. Heck, Morpheus almost had me convinced.

What’s with this year? On paper, we’ve had potential superstar (future CFL backup) after potential superstar completely melt down and play good football. Andy Dalton comes out of TCU and starts right away. Oh and because of the CBA, THERE WAS ALMOST NO OFFSEASON. And he’s lighting it up. Curtis Painter out of Purdue has been busy watching the grass grow (and burning through ungodly amounts of conditioner) for the last 2 years, starts his first game in really loud conditions, night game, the other guy’s house, and throws for 350 yards and 2 TDs? So he lost 2 fumbles, I lost my hero.

I’m all out of hope. If you rolled with Denver’s defense, congrats! If you went with Painter, my condolences.