November, 2011

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Tyler, we hardly knew ye

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

This post is late (due to turkey). And holy crap did I have a tasty turkey on Thursday. A buddy of mine cooked it up right. It’s all about brining people, get your dry-flavorless-turkey-eating self educated: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brining.

And now back to our regularly scheduled reverse fantasy football train wreck. This year finally had a superstar (flaming turd) and, predictably, it looks like the plug is about to be pulled. In a year where no one has stood up and shined (been consistently reprehensible), Tyler freaking Palko has made a dent in the universe: 2 games, 6 interceptions, NO TDS, and a fumble lost. -15.60 in those 2 outings and led me to two solid wins.

Alas, the mighty (abhorrent) Chiefs have called in reinforcements in the form of Kyle Orton. I’m going to be in denial about this for a few more days, so I’m recommending a “hold” position on Palko, perhaps Orton doesn’t pick up enough of the playbook in time. I also have Detroit’s defense against New Orleans at home, with a suspended Suh, thanks to his happy feet.

The adversary is really hurting for a win at this point, but his line-up this week is terrifying: The potent T.J. Yates batting cleanup for the QB mess in Houston, combined with Indianapolis’ “defense” facing the Patriots.

Sadly, I fully suspect Orton will get the call for KC, so expect update soon. I’m not about to get brined if I can help it. But man, I’d be tasty if I did….

BRINE ME

Yawn

Monday, November 21st, 2011

I’m just chilling as I watch the Monday night game without much drama.
While anything can happen, I’m fairly certain I’ll win this week:

Tampa’s D was sufficiently horrid, yielding me a solid -9.00 before my QB even set foot on the field this evening. The adversary went with Josh Freeman, yielding him a not at all solid 15.60 before his defense even set foot on the field this evening.

So both of our collective lunch monies are on Kansas City, mine on Palko, his on the mighty Chief “defense”.

So, with this lull in drama, I think I’ll have an open thread for the next hour or so until I fall over, (this stupid cold will not go away) and just post some bullet points of whatever observations come to mind:

- Man Tyler Palko’s hair is flat out wonderful.

- Vince Wolfork would do a number on an oriental super buffet.

- There’s some really pretty girls from Boston in that stadium, but I still think I’d have problems getting past that ridiculous accent.

- Most descriptive word I can think of to describe Todd Haley: Unkempt.

- Ben-Jar-Vis-Green-Ell-is. The-Ad-Ver-Sar-y-sucks. Hmm, both 6 syllables.

And for your convenience, I’ve grouped the stupid John Gruden comments together:

- “It’s hard to run the ball against this Kansas City Chief defense.” (No it’s not.)
- “That’s just great football by Tyler Palko.” (What?)
- “That’s bad football right there by Palko.” (You should have said that the first time)
- “Now that’s a running play.” (I figured as much when the quarterback handed the ball the to running back)

Ok, bedtime. Todd Haley looks tired as well.

CousinIt

Hopeful, but I’ve been hurt before

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Hopefully you’ve been paying attention to the news. Matt Cassel is out and the Chiefs are betting this year’s crop on Tyler Palko. I don’t know who that is, but he sounds like a reverse fantasy football superstar. As I began my research, I came across his photo.
Man, really? What in the world is this guy thinking here? Multiple choice on the photographer’s coaching:

- “Hey Tyler Palko, you’ve just signed with the Kansas City Chiefs, how do you feel about that?”
Or
- “Hey Tyler Palko, pretend it’s 1865 and you’re a worker on the intercontinental railroad. That’s pretty good, but can you look even more stoic?”

I’d have to go with the second one.

Stoic Tyler Palko

Mucus

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

I’m late posting results this week, as I managed to pick up a cold visiting some friends over the weekend. Their 2 year old twin girls were positively adorable and, like all children under 5, essentially walking petri dishes. My immune system fought the good fight, but I write this with a sore throat and a light head. (Yes lighter than usual, good one..)

To week 10: The Philadelphia Eagles should consider renaming themselves to the Philadelphia Al Michael’s Combover. Why? Both are about as convincing and fraudulent. I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Jack Skelton threw for 3 TDs and 315 yards against the Combover’s “dream team” of overpaid cornerbacks.

Skelton almost single handedly lured me into the Penn State shower stall, but I barely escaped thanks to Minnesota’s abhorrent defense. Man, they stood right up and collapsed, delivering an altogether disgraceful -8.00, helping to negate Skelton’s 20.20.

The adversary similarly got screwed by the Combovers, as Arizona’s defense held the supposed dream offense to 17 and posted 2 interceptions. Their showing of 12.00, combined with Tavaris Jackson’s wholly mediocre 6.40, was just enough to push him far enough into the positive to get me the victory. So live and learn, Skelton is apparently good and has no place whatsoever here in suckland.

Your Nyquil influenced closing: Al Micheals is the greatest play by play guy out there. (And OWNS the combover)

Combover

Quick one

Sunday, November 13th, 2011

I’ve been vacationing this week, but I’ve budgeted 7 minutes to post something quick on this week’s “action”. My commitment to that level of quality will no doubt shine through every letter of this post. I’m sticking with Jim Skelton, hoping Philly at home will finally cause him to act like he has no NFL experience. Team that with Minnesota’s defense, and I’m feeling pretty good about my chances. The adversary has bet the farm on Tavaris Jackson vs. Baltimore, and his farm should be fine. Throw in Arizona’s “defense” and it’s looking like a strong (delicately feeble) reverse fantasy football matchup.

Out, back to eating.

Quality

Oh good, Matt showed up…

Monday, November 7th, 2011

It’s quite the feeling when your guy throws 3 or 4 interceptions; a real sense of accomplishment. But when your opponents’ guy throws 3 touchdowns, I mean sure a win is a win, and you can make fun of his shirt and his face and all that, but the sense of accomplishment is clearly lessened. Having said that, I completely vaporized the adversary this week. Not so much because of my team, but his last minute move to start Matt Moore.

As to my team, I can’t say I was all that impressed with Red Skelton. Or, John Skelton. Whatever. He threw for over 200 yards and a TD, good for 14.00 points here at Suckleague base camp. I was, however, impressed with my last minute defense change. I took a chance on Cleveland (no one has said that ever) and they really showed up (unconditionally withdrew) with a solid -4.00.

As for the adversary, as if Matt Moore wasn’t enough, he went all in with Miami and took their defense as well. He ended up with over, gah, 40 points. Not much you can say, just a reverse fantasy football day of pain for him, and anyone else who was unfortunate enough to go near Matt Moore. So victory it is, just a bit emptier than usual. Yep, we were all having a great time until Matt Moore – NFL quarterback, decided to crash the party.

Oh Good Matts Here

Screw you Styx

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

I’m calling it: Styx’s Mr. Roboto is the worst song in the history of sound. Sure, you can disagree with me. Maybe, MAYBE Starship’s “Nothing’s gonna stop us now”, but you’d still have to convince me.

What does this have to do with reverse fantasy football? Not a bloody thing, but that song has been stuck in my head for 3 FREAKING DAYS AND I CAN NOT GET IT OUT. This is the worst case of song-stuck-in-head I’ve ever had. I’ve even tried looping “Achey Breaky Heart” trying to replace the pain with something even more gruesome, but it didn’t work.

Anyway, let’s see who looks good (deplorable) this week:

Tim Tebow: He bit the adversary last week. Sure, he’s terrible right now, but he keeps managing a touchdown and some decent rushing yards each week, enough to cancel out all his turnovers.

Matt Moore: I’m done with Moore, Miami is coming way too close to winning games. This stinks of a 1-15 season for the Dolphins, good luck figuring out when the 1 is coming Morpheus. Kansas City has as good of a chance as anyone to roll over to Miami.

John Skelton: John Skelton and AJ Feely are both slated to start this week. A statement like that would normally make the Suckleague choir break out in sublime hymns of joy. Sadly, they play each other, and it’s hard to determine if Arizona or St. Louis brings the poorer defense to this party. Skelton could stink it up big time, but it is the Rams. Skelton did recently win the backup quarterback job from Rich Bartel. Who? Exactly. Skelton’s my pick for now.

AJ Feeley: See previous comments. Simply substitute the word “Feeley” for “Skelton”, “more disgusting” for “poorer”, and delete that last bit about Rich Bartel. Who? Exactly.

John Beck: This is an awful (fantastic) pick this week. San Francisco’s defense has really been showing up this year and the Redskins are just plain putrid. Yes, the Bills blanked them last week. The adversary has pulled the trigger on this one. I hope it’s Beck’s breakout game and he throws 7 touchdowns and runs for 3 more.

Carson Palmer: Facing Denver’s “defense”? Watching Denver play is like, it’s like your waitress messed up your order and accidently brought you a plate of sadness.

And that’s the situation in my head right now. There’s not much else to say:

“Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Mata o hima de. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Himitsu wo shiri tai.”

Which translated of course means “Mr. Robot, we clearly deserve to stand trial for the crime against humanity of writing the suckiest song in the history of everything – Love Styx.”

I wish “Come Sail Away” was stuck in my head, that was catchy.

Enemy of humanity Styx