December, 2011

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Nuts roasting on fires and that kind of thing

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Merry Holidays from reverse fantasy football central, here’s hoping you had a joyous Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or day off. Indeed it’s a very special time of year to be a Christian or Jew or African-American or Agnostic. Here at Suckleague HQ, we had the traditional annual holiday viewing of the best Christmas movie ever. Of course I’m talking about Die Hard.

I am astonished at how well this movie has held up for the last 20 years, and I expect it will be just as exceptional in another 20. This movie has:

-          The best villain ever: Hans Gruber

-          The best weasel ever: Richard Thornburg (the reporter guy if you’re out of practice)

-          The best coked out sleaze ball salesman ever: Harry Ellis.

-          And the best a**hole in all of filmdom: Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson.

Not to mention Bruce Willis in his breakout role and an endless stream of things blowing up to holiday music.

Speaking of things blowing up in destructive balls of fire, there’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. They yielded me an absurd -13.00, 1 sack and 1 point short of Suckleague perfection. Josh Mccown however was very disappointing. After a solid start with 2 interceptions, he threw for a bunch of yards and also a touchdown and a 2 point conversion, well into the positive with 11.80. I ended the week in the negative, albeit barely, at -1.80. The adversary, with the combo of Kellen Clemens / Kansas City defense and their resulting 6.80, couldn’t overcome Tampa’s defensive performance (afternoon nap).

You might say Tampa’s defense was his “poison pill” and my “white knight”. Sorry…

JOSH MCCOWN IS STARTING FOR THE BEARS!

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011

Reprising his role as Ivan Drago, he’s ready to “Knockout” all the Suckleague reverse fantasy football records. (See what I did there?)
Ok, worst post ever, but go grab Josh Mccown right now, I have a good (good) feeling about him this week.

Dolph / Josh Mccown

Why don’t more people play Suckleague?

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

These past few weeks have been stupid fun, and I’ll get into this week in a moment. But this time of year usually gets me thinking, yet again, about how much more fun reverse fantasy football is than regular fantasy football, and how come more people don’t play reverse fantasy football. Not that regular fantasy football isn’t fun, I play that too. But as today proves once again, figuring out that Drew Brees will throw a bunch of touchdowns isn’t nearly as challenging as figuring out who will throw a bunch of picks. This blog was originally motivated by the responses both the adversary and myself have been getting for the better part of a decade any time we would explain it to someone: “It’s just 2 people?” and “Wow, that’s a great idea” and “That sounds really fun, I’m going to do that next year”. Yet it never seems to get past that point, or at least as far as we knew. This year has actually seen the first comments to this site that weren’t from the adversary (Thanks Dan) and as I can tell from Google analytics, people are visiting (and some portion can even read I assume). So hopefully each year sees more interest and people, and more comments, so we can share in each other’s triumphs. So if you’ve had some fun, tell your friends, jump in, and spread the word. I churn out this insanity for you, humanity. I’m just that selfless.

To this week’s nuttiness. My fortune changed in few seconds: How do you go from sitting pretty at -7.00 to +4.00 in ONE PLAY? Well you start Tampa’s defense as I did, then you watch Dallas go up 28-0 in the first half. You notice you’re down (up) by -7.00 already and begin fantasizing about the perfect game (give up 35+ points, no sacks, picks, etc.)

Then, literally in the blink of an eye, you climb the ladder of horror:

Step 1: Huh, they just sacked Romo, darn.

Step 2: Oh crap, they knocked the ball out of his hand.

Step 3: Oh COME ON, Tampa picked it up.

Step 4: NOOOOOOOOOOOO, THEY GOT INTO THE END ZONE!

And then you just kind of sit there in shock, and wonder was that really the last 5 seconds of your life? Luckily Tampa did not much else, but they still had me in the positive by 5. I went with Tampa because I had a bad feeling about the Green Bay / Kansas City game, so I dropped KC’s defense. The adversary quickly snatched up Kansas City’s defense, then grabbed Kellen Clemens. LITERALLY as I went to pick him up. So, 5 points in the positive because of Tampa’s defensive TD, facing Kellen Clemens and a KC defense that would probably give up 40 to Green Bay, I threw a hail mary. My target? Caleb Hanie. Who? Exactly.

3 interceptions and 4 sacks later, he yielded me a solid -2.00. (He managed one TD, good for him. Not so much for me. But he’s probably more concerned with his development as an NFL quarterback than how my Suckleague team does. FINE.)

Anyway, if you saw the Green Bay game, you can imagine how the adversary’s day went. Kansas City’s defense gave him a +5 as well, and Clemens was no help, adding +12 to that. So another strong win for team me.

Hmm, this is odd, I typed Caleb Hanie into a Google image search and it returned a picture of Corey Haim:

This is getting silly

Thursday, December 15th, 2011

It’s just into the 3rd quarter of the Atlanta / Jacksonville game, and Blaine Gabbert looks ridiculous (ly putrid).  Thus far, he’s thrown for 21 yards, been sacked 3 times, fumbled twice and lost both of them. I’m in awe of his growing pains and in awe that I didn’t have the stones to start him. Atlanta is usually so hit or miss, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It’s kind of a tough week to call. I’m betting on Ricki Stanzi at the moment. (That’s such an odd sentence to type). I’ve also got Kansas City’s defense for the moment. I HATE going all in on the same team on both sides of the ball, so I doubt this will stay my starting lineup. But, if Stanzi gets the call, (also an odd thing to type) plus the fact that they are playing the absurdly good Packers offense, I may stay with both picks.

The adversary hasn’t made his picks yet, so in lieu of mocking his picks this week, I’ll mock the new Jaguars owners’ mustache. Obviously he was recently fired from his position as a 1930’s villain that ties women to railroad tracks, so the crew at Suckleague wishes him luck as the owner of the Jaguars. I kid, actually I love this guy, I love his rags to riches success story, and I love his pioneer old west mustache. The reverse fantasy football world awaits your draft this year Shahid Khan. Make your mark.

SK

Nail Biter

Monday, December 12th, 2011

I’m going to start at the end. I won the week. BY 0.2 POINTS. Yep, the smallest margin possible.

Let’s go to the timeline.

Early Sunday: I park my ass at TGIFridays with a buddy of mine and his wife, 10 HDTVs are at my disposal. As are 6 pot stickers and a blue cheese wedge. The adversary is parked on the couch at, adversary-land (I’ll work on a better name for his place), NFL Red Zone poised to take him to any and every scoring play.

The supporting cast:
Team Me: QB – Tyler Palko. “Defense” – The Washington Redskins.
Team smelly stupid retarded: QB – Dan Orlovsky. “Defense” – The Tennessee Titans.

Sometime later: I am killing it. New England has hung 20 on Washington in the first half, and Tyler Palko is playing like he’s going to get his head coach fired. (Too soon?) He’s thrown for something like 13 yards in the entire first half, has thrown a pick, and is getting sacked with regularity. Meanwhile, Orlovsky is playing bad enough, but not breaking any reverse fantasy football records. The big news is Tennessee’s defense; they’ve held the Saints to 6 points in the first half! I am sitting pretty, well into the negative, while the adversary is over +10.

Some point after that: Hmm, Orlovsky just keeps getting worse and worse. Thankfully, the Titans aren’t letting the Saints score 50 or anything, but they are slowly giving up touchdowns. Then IT happens. PALKO garbage time TD. And the Saints keep scoring. I check the scores, I’M DOWN (UP) 6 POINTS NOW.

A point that came a bit after the previous point: I’M SCREWED. Washington’s defense is my only chance. That or Orlovsky can throw a touchdown of his own, but that’s never going to happen. In Suckleague standard scoring, if your defense gives up 28-34, it’s worth -7. Give up 35+ and it’s worth -14. Washington has given up 28 at this point. One more New England touchdown is my only chance. New England just can’t get it done though. I’m about to give up hope.

Right after I gave up hope: DAN FREAKING ORLOVSKY, GARBAGE TIME TOUCHDOWN. I have new life. I pick hope up off the floor and put it back on the bar. But is it enough? I refresh Yahoo the 30 times it takes to get an update between 3pm and 4pm on a Sunday…… HOLY CRAP, I’M WINNING -2.20 TO -2.40. But wait, that means all Tennessee has to do is sack Brees even once and I lose. The Chiefs game is over, the New England game is over, the Colts game is over, how much time left in the Titans game?

3 FREAKING MINUTES? SERIOUSLY?

The next 3 minutes: Play, by play, by play, by moment, by moment, by moment, every play the Saints run is a mini coronary. Just. Run. The. Clock. Out. And. Don’t. Screw. Up…

Had I lost, it would still have been the most fun week of the year, but I’ll certainly take it. The adversary related that on NFL redzone, when Orlovsky threw his touchdown with 8 SECONDS left, the announcer said “Well if you started Dan Orlovsky on your fantasy team this week, you just got some cheap points. But who would have started Dan Orlovsky?”

“I STARTED HIM IN MY SUCKLEAGUE!” was the only thing the adversary could manage to yell…

KIRK ORLOVSKY

A winter wonderland of mediocrity

Monday, December 5th, 2011

Earlier, the adversary and I were discussing perfection, specifically the lack thereof, and the subject of the CAA came up. The name of that patch of skin parked between the scrotum and anus also came up. It’s technically the “perineum”. So update your scorecards at home. Why on earth did that topic come up you probably are asking? We’ll because sometimes it completely SUCKS being either of us and we talk about things like that when comparing football teams to various things, say the patch of skin between your scrotum and your anus. ANYWAY consider yourself lucky you don’t have to live through these conversations but can keep up with the tamer cliff notes you’re provided with here. You’re welcome.

We’re probably the only 2 human beings I know that follow CAA football. If you’re not familiar with the Colonial Athletic Association, it’s consists of powerhouse teams like: Villanova, Towson University, Hofstra, and Virginia Commonwealth University among others. I’m not certain what our fascination is. I suppose it’s the same fascination we’d have for say, SEC lacrosse. It just feels wrong.

Also wrong, Tyler Palko’s performance – THROWING A TOUCHDOWN PASS ON A STUPID HAIL MARY TO END THE HALF BECAUSE YOU CAN’T THROW NORMAL TOUCHDOWNS DURING THE BEGINNING AND MIDDLE PARTS OF THE HALF? I MEAN, WHAT THE PERINEUM WAS THAT, DUDE?

Needless to say, I lost the week. The adversary’s choice of T.J. Yates was the better (more tragic) call. Both our guys threw touchdowns, but Yates had the focus to lose a fumble and get sacked 3 times. The week was truly about defense though, Indianapolis on his side of the playground yielded a solid (horrible) -6.00. Detroit on mine with a respectable (lamentable) -5.00. If the Saints could have scored one more lousy touchdown I’d have had the week. But as always, you can’t lose them all.

Note: This post’s silly picture will NOT be a perineum, because THAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING. I’ve done some messed up image searches in the name of reverse fantasy football but I’m NOT typing that into google. So, similarly, here’s the University of New Hampshire football Wildcat’s team logo. I plan to stare at several times while formulating my picks this week.

NH