Nail Biter

Written by SLAdmin on December 12th, 2011

I’m going to start at the end. I won the week. BY 0.2 POINTS. Yep, the smallest margin possible.

Let’s go to the timeline.

Early Sunday: I park my ass at TGIFridays with a buddy of mine and his wife, 10 HDTVs are at my disposal. As are 6 pot stickers and a blue cheese wedge. The adversary is parked on the couch at, adversary-land (I’ll work on a better name for his place), NFL Red Zone poised to take him to any and every scoring play.

The supporting cast:
Team Me: QB – Tyler Palko. “Defense” – The Washington Redskins.
Team smelly stupid retarded: QB – Dan Orlovsky. “Defense” – The Tennessee Titans.

Sometime later: I am killing it. New England has hung 20 on Washington in the first half, and Tyler Palko is playing like he’s going to get his head coach fired. (Too soon?) He’s thrown for something like 13 yards in the entire first half, has thrown a pick, and is getting sacked with regularity. Meanwhile, Orlovsky is playing bad enough, but not breaking any reverse fantasy football records. The big news is Tennessee’s defense; they’ve held the Saints to 6 points in the first half! I am sitting pretty, well into the negative, while the adversary is over +10.

Some point after that: Hmm, Orlovsky just keeps getting worse and worse. Thankfully, the Titans aren’t letting the Saints score 50 or anything, but they are slowly giving up touchdowns. Then IT happens. PALKO garbage time TD. And the Saints keep scoring. I check the scores, I’M DOWN (UP) 6 POINTS NOW.

A point that came a bit after the previous point: I’M SCREWED. Washington’s defense is my only chance. That or Orlovsky can throw a touchdown of his own, but that’s never going to happen. In Suckleague standard scoring, if your defense gives up 28-34, it’s worth -7. Give up 35+ and it’s worth -14. Washington has given up 28 at this point. One more New England touchdown is my only chance. New England just can’t get it done though. I’m about to give up hope.

Right after I gave up hope: DAN FREAKING ORLOVSKY, GARBAGE TIME TOUCHDOWN. I have new life. I pick hope up off the floor and put it back on the bar. But is it enough? I refresh Yahoo the 30 times it takes to get an update between 3pm and 4pm on a Sunday…… HOLY CRAP, I’M WINNING -2.20 TO -2.40. But wait, that means all Tennessee has to do is sack Brees even once and I lose. The Chiefs game is over, the New England game is over, the Colts game is over, how much time left in the Titans game?


The next 3 minutes: Play, by play, by play, by moment, by moment, by moment, every play the Saints run is a mini coronary. Just. Run. The. Clock. Out. And. Don’t. Screw. Up…

Had I lost, it would still have been the most fun week of the year, but I’ll certainly take it. The adversary related that on NFL redzone, when Orlovsky threw his touchdown with 8 SECONDS left, the announcer said “Well if you started Dan Orlovsky on your fantasy team this week, you just got some cheap points. But who would have started Dan Orlovsky?”

“I STARTED HIM IN MY SUCKLEAGUE!” was the only thing the adversary could manage to yell…



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