September, 2012

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Since thou hast forsaken me, Romeo, thou art dead to me in Week 4

Sunday, September 30th, 2012

I’m back–spent my week in Ibiza celebrating my Week 2 victory. Because what Italian model doesn’t love a Suckleague General Manager? All you have to do at the entrance to the club is whisper “Suckleague” and the velvet ropes magically part. Plus a Week 2 Suckleague win is all I’ve got right now, so I’ve got to work it hardcore. And IT WAS A VICTORY, I would like to remind our reader. Don’t let the RIM Super PAC’s TV-ad-and-dinnertime-robocall onslaught convince you otherwise. There are no moral victories in Suckleague: it’s a zero-sum game.

-0.24 = 1 win

Week 3 at 4 pm I thought I had it in the bag despite the fact that New Orleans was out-sucking my Chiefs Defense–then The Hail Mary from Shawn White to Young MC was completed, busting a move to push Detroit’s offense over 35 points and giving The Adversary’s Adversary a hole too dark and dank to crawl out of, i.e., Week 3 glory. I really expected better from thee, Romeo. Thou even had overtime to make it right.

–Week 4 locker room pep talk–
Well Comfort Wipes is not going to let a decent performance by the Chiefs Defense ruin our season. We’ve got a lot of sucking left to do here, several weeks of it. We’re only down by one. And number two is our specialty. Especially if you have to clean yourself hygienically in those hard-to-reach areas.

Anyway, Tannehill, you looked good (crappy) last week. You won the quarterback battle, but Branson has already put up some good (despicable) numbers this week against Baltimore. Time to show everyone what you can (can’t) do. I’m trusting you to come out swinging (whimpering) against a good Cardinals defense (can you believe that’s a real phrase?).

Carolina, you’re new to the Comfort Wipes phenomenon. You got a good Atlanta team in their house this week–it’s your time to shine (implode)–give them everything you’ve got (let them walk all over you).

COMFORT WIPES PRIDE!!!
(in our soft flexible head that grips toilet paper, tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely)

–The Adversary

Pushofftouchceptioninterdown

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. If you had “that guy” in your Suckleague reverse fantasy football referee league, you did quite well this week. And yes, there are people who live in forests with their noses pierced with bones and red ochre rubbed all over their naked bodies that knew I would open with that. Listen, it’s a short week and I really didn’t have time to put together anything creative or funny. And, yes, those same forest people were well aware you’d come back with, “Well why would you start now?”

Group Shaman “HEYOO!”

LameShaman

Oh go evolve more. So we finally had a week where you didn’t need a microscope to determine the winner. I handily bested (worsted) the adversary by a tick over a convincing 10 points. The QBs both played fairly mediocreishly (word?), but in the end, the Kansas City “defense” was the adversary’s undoing, posting several sacks and an interception. Tennessee’s defense had no such antics, giving up a big fat 40 burger. I didn’t even have to check Yahoo to know of my victory. The adversary sent me an email shortly after 4pm with the following title:

“oh for god’s sake”

That’s of course suck-speak for “You won”. I know this email well. I’ve sent this email more than once. Other oft used titles for this email:

“what was that”

“HOW!?!?!”

“#$%@ you”

So with Weeden facing Baltimore and Tennessee travelling down to Houston, I will be making no moves at all this week. How many cards do I want? None. I’ve already got jack high.

– Heffe

ReplaceRefs

The Sage of Suckleague

Saturday, September 22nd, 2012

You might be interested to know that I actually have an ownership position in my team’s namesake. That’s right, I own Research in Motion stock. 8 whole shares of it. Yep, yours truly pulled the trigger on that acquisition when RIM was trading at an absurdly low $26 a share. Current value? $6.50. Be sure to watch your Kindles for my next book, “How to turn $208 into $52 in just 14 months” this holiday season. I’d like to say it was to show my commitment to my reverse fantasy football team that motivated the purchase, so we’ll go with that. Think the adversary is committed enough to own a Comfort Wipe? I doubt it as well. Unless he has range of motion issues, in which case, I don’t mean to poke fun at your condition. But, either way, let’s stop talking about the butt wand thing.

I have to admit, I seriously considered not starting B Weeden this week. Not because I think he’s all out of suck (what am I without you?), but the Brownies play Buffalo, and playing Buffalo is just a recipe for career high numbers. However, I can’t let him go this quick, his next 2 games are against the Ravens and the Giants (Yeah I know). Defensively I’m on board with Tennessee and guessing 5,000 yard season Matt Stafford shows up.

Other than that, I assume the adversary was too busy to gloat this week. That or he realized a .24 point victory is not really gloat worthy, if even an actual victory. I, in the meantime, will check my shares of Nokia. Drat.

– The un-adversary

Go Park Yourself

Tuesday, September 18th, 2012

Well Suckleaguers, week 2 is in the books and it was really quite awful (awful). The adversary and I were both well into the positive and combined for a whopping 70.24 points. If you play in a “normal” fantasy football league, I’ll wager one of our QBs or defenses beat yours. The outcome was dementedly close: 35.00 to 35.24. Nary a point, half point, or even a quarter point separated winner (loser) from loser (winner). And I was the former. (What?) You figure it out, I’m NOT feeling generous.

FINE, I LOST.

As I sit here drinking a $7 bottle of chardonnay out of a blue keg cup, I’m wondering how to handle my first loss of the season. Hmm, that question kind of answers itself, doesn’t it.

Today’s tangent: Unenforceable Random Human Condition Parking Signs. I have had it with these things. Look I’m a law abiding guy, and if a parking sign is legally binding, I’m on board. But the conditions that these dystopian retail establishments are putting on parking spots is something I’ll fight to the, uh, well not death let’s be reasonable, but I ignore them with purpose!

Parking for expecting mothers only

Parking only for cars with a green score higher than 50

Parking ONLY for our guests who have toddlers

EFF YOU. I’m here to give you money, and I’ll park where I’m legally permitted to. I sooooo make it a point to park in the “guests who have toddlers” space at Sam’s club. I’m eagerly waiting for somebody to condescendingly hit me with a, “I don’t see a toddler, you can’t park there”, to which I will smartly reply, “I’ve got a toddler, I just don’t have it on me.”

Anyway, I’ll post again later this week when my week 3 roster is ready. Have an excellent evening. Goodbye.

FINE. Congratulations are in order I suppose. So congratulations to Brandon Weeden and Ryan Tannehill. Seriously, stepping out of reverse fantasy football bizarro world for a tick, playing quarterback against an NFL defense is very probably up there amongst the most difficult jobs in the world. So good job and here’s hoping you both have successful and productive NFL careers. Stepping back into reverse fantasy football bizarro world, POO POO on both of you. So until next time, have a great evening.

FINE.

I send out .24 of one unit of congratulations to the adversary on his first ever Suckleague official (whatever the hell that means) fantasy win. En freaking Garde for week 3.

– Whichever one of us I am

2 Slow 2 Gentle : The Rise of Week 2…A New Dawn

Saturday, September 15th, 2012

Now that we’ve officially had a Viagra post I can finally get this one up. Hopefully it will stay up for a while.

For the last couple of years I’ve been collecting statistics on the maps on the506.com [pause button on the satire for one sec: I love the506.com] to figure out where I should live in order to catch the New England Patriots games on network TV, because I’m too cheap to pay for the DirectTV NFL Hot And Sweaty Ticket or whatever it’s called. Turns out I should move back to New England! Or stream it illegally through a Ukrainian website. Я думаю, що я буду дивитися це незаконно. Спасибі, Україна!

I agonized over which Defense I’d take this week–some (none) of the analysis pointed to the Carolina Panthers as worth the risk. There were several good Week 2 candidates, but no one team really stood out as being so much better (deeper in doo-doo) than the rest. So as a pigskin prayer I hereby submit a celebration touchdown dance at Carolina’s expense:

A-men. Alternatively, it wasn’t a difficult decision to continue riding the pony (the pony) that is Ryan Tannehill’s epic NFL career thus far–I would only have eyes for Brandon Weenie if The Adversary’s Adversary didn’t already have him. Still, if Suckleague can keep this up, and the respective head coaches cooperate (repeatedly make job-endangering decisions), we’ve got history in the making here.

COME ON RYAN BRING IT HOME (stink it up) FOR COMFORT WIPES THIS WEEK DON’T LET THAT BRIANNA WEEDEN GUY UPSTAGE US TWO WEEKS IN A ROW YOU GOT THE PANTHERS ON YOUR SIDE HOW COULD YOU NOT BE (how could you be?) EXCITED ABOUT THAT WHOALOOKOUTTHEBALL’SCOMING!!!

Enjoy (cringe during) the games. Comfort Wipes Pride!!

–The Adversary’s Adversary’s Adversary

Well Speaking Most Goodest English 101

Saturday, September 15th, 2012

I uttered the following phrase recently: “Ma’am I’m going to need an absurd amount of Polynesian sauce with that.” Right after, I found myself thinking, “What an interesting thing to say.” I’d bet the 11 dollars in my wallet that no one has ever said that.

Jay Culter had some interesting things to say this week as well: “I hate my lineman. I hate my team. I hate the press. I hate you. I’m the best QB there is, get out of my face. And I hate you.” Admittedly I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist of it. He clearly saw no reverse fantasy football consolation prize in his 4 interceptions and 7 sacks.

Then I got to thinking about the many comments I get on Suckleague. You are no doubt thinking “What comments?” and quite correctly so. However, just because you don’t see any doesn’t mean we don’t get any. Every once in a while I go the comments section of the blog and sift through the posted comments, straining to find any written by actual human beings. Those are rare. Very common though are spam comments generated by bots that automatically search for blogs and post all manner of randomly generated remarks. These are typically accompanied by a link to some site selling cheap impotency drugs, knockoff handbags, or “highly discounted” (pirated) software. I thought I’d share some of them with you our reader(s) so you can have a glimpse of what it’s like to manage a blog:

(link to discounted impotency drug site removed) “This post is actually a nice one it assists new web visitors, who are wishing for blogging.”
Really, “wishing for blogging”? The assertion that anything on this site has ever assisted anyone is also nonsense.

(link to knockoff Coach purse site removed) “I look forward to reading more of your articles and posts in the future, so I’ve bookmarked your blog. When I see good quality content, I like to share it with others. So I’ve created a backlink to your site. Thank you!…”
Well, thanks, and you are right on about the quality content, but this is still clearly fake.

Sometimes they don’t even an attempt to sound real:
(hosting reseller link removed) “The decision for Bernard Asnault together with LVMH is involving surmountable significance for a brand containing once a year earnings which has reached over 30 billion kilos.”
I can’t agree or disagree with that because I don’t know what the hell it means. Who gets paid in kilos, drug lords?

And finally gems like:
“zQv6vh”
You’d think with all the words in the English language that contain a 6 this would have gotten by me.

To week 2. The rosters for tomorrow appear to be set. It’s a repeat of Wheeler vs. Tanenbaum at quarterback, and the defensive slots are loaded (quite empty) with Arizona and Carolina. It is as they say, on. Or as one of our commenters might say:

“It’s really a nice and useful piece of matchup this week. I am satisfied that you shared. Please stay us up to date like this.”

I guess I’ll start commenting on my own posts like the adversary does.

– The adversary’s adversary

CheapViagra

My therapist said I had to write this so I could begin to heal

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012

A lot has happened around here since I’ve last written you, dear reader. And I use the singular because we both know that there is only one of you.

Class warfare. As in, accusations of higher education. And as in, accusations of being a good writer. Both true. But the point is, I can identify with Joe Six-Pack as much as any billionaire politician. I just can write circles around him. Or them. I assume there is more than one Joe Six-Pack, or that one refers to them (him) in the plural because he’s a voting bloc. Anyway I can also correct his/their bad grammar. Cause its rly important 2 write well n 2days culture of email’s txts n stuff.   :-/

So, suckleague. I hid in my shame cave after losing Week 1. A dark underground space filled with BRÖKASS and HERPDERP furnishings from IKEA, a framed portrait of Luke McCown, and a pile of lug nuts from a 1982 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Only my therapist could lure me out with a spicy Slim Jim and a call to buck up for Week 2. He billed me for that, of course.

The Adversary’s Adversary should get bonus points for Brainded Weeden. He got lost under a gigantic flag. What more proof do you need that he’s America’s suckleague quarterback? Seldom has any American hero thrown so many interceptions–but he wasn’t overwhelmed!!! These colors don’t run!! They don’t pass, either, apparently…they’re simply a gridiron disaster.

I wish I could say the same for Ryan Tannehill. This week, Ryan, you’re just going to have to step up your game. You faced a good Texans defense and managed only three interceptions, three sacks and one measly fumble. Even Michael Vick had four INTs–come on now, Ryan, you can do better (worse) than that. Weeder didn’t even throw for 150 yards, and you somehow managed to break 200 with a receiving corps that includes…um…   :-/

But what a week–truly a majestic (abominable) season opener for Suckleague. We can only hope it continues.

I don’t think that’s a lingonberry

Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

I have a love / hate relationship with Ikea. Naturally, I enjoy cheap mix and match disposable furniture. I also dig their cutting boards. I know a cutting board is an odd thing to dig, but I cook a lot and they have these really solid plastic ones for like $2 each. Yet, the whole experience of Ikea always feels a bit Orwellian to me. On this trip, for reasons unknown to me, I took a mental inventory of the pros and cons of venturing inside an Ikea.

Pro: I enjoy the odd scale of everything. Like 8 inch tall nightstands towering over 4 inch tall beds. “It’s all part of my 43 square foot home!” Everyone in Sweden must be a hobbit. Whatever, at $7.99, I’ll take 3 of them.

Pro: I enjoy trying to guess how much their items cost. Things like a hanging lamp that’s the size of a Fiat and made of Kleenex ($49.99 btw).

Con: I don’t enjoy that family of assholes that traverses the store in the wrong direction. Are they even aware how much they’re jeopardizing the thin veneer of society that exists within an Ikea? I can never shake that unsettling feeling I get in that place that we’re a power outage away from cannibalism.

Con: I don’t enjoy being forced to walk through the children’s section. Without fail, I find myself having to negotiate a swarm of 0-3 year olds, and subsequently twice as many germs than if I had taken my shirt off and rubbed a pay phone all over my torso.

Con: Finally, I don’t enjoy that they constructed 20 checkout lanes, yet 16 of them are permanently closed.

I calculated at least a 20 minute wait to check out. So, I abandoned my 4 dollar cutting board purchase and left sad. Screw Ikea. Screw Abba, Volvo, vikings, socialism, the Nobel prize, and Pipi Longstocking as well. Of course, I’m fooling no one. I’ll be back there in a week.

I had really hoped somewhere in this story I’d find an on-ramp to reverse fantasy football… Say, so, you know what’s not at all like a giant Kleenex lamp from Ikea? New England’s offense! (Blech. The writing correspondence school is going to repossess my “certificate of education”.)  So, as the Patriots play the Cardinals, I’ve gone with the storied Arizona defense to compliment Brandon Weeden and his rookiness this week.

In the meantime, see if you can guess what this is before you go look it up: (Hint, it’s only $9.99 and, uh, yeah I already ordered one.)

IkeaSomethingOrOther

http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/30198028/

What exactly was that?

Sunday, September 9th, 2012

Opening day of Suckleague 2012 is in the books, and the stats are vulgar:

Combined defense: 58 points and 727 yards allowed.
Combined offense: 7 interceptions, 5 sacks, 3 fumbles, and exactly zero touchdowns.

I called it vile. The adversary called it despicable. Frankly, we were both being too nice. I must admit I’m a bit in awe. Typically something will go wrong (right) in a given week. A QB will throw 3 picks, but then lose focus and throw a TD, or a defense will give up 30, but get a takeaway in garbage time. Something positive is bound to happen. Nothing even resembling a distant cousin of positive, on either of our teams, happened today.

The way in which it unfolded was similarly breathtaking. The adversary and I were going back and forth with the lead all day. Tannehill would throw a pick, the guy on the Browns would throw a pick. FINE, one sec. Brandon Weeden would throw a pick, and they just kept competing (not at all competing) back and forth.

However as the 1pm games were winding down, I found myself with a fairly comfortable lead. Then it simply got wacky. Weeden and Tennessee’s defense did just enough that when Michael Vick threw what would be the game winning touchdown against the Browns with 1:18 left, I was 2/10 of a point ahead of the adversary. 2/10 of a point, 1:18 left. I explained to the group of people I was with the situation. All Brandon Weeden had to do is complete one pass, of any distance, simply more than .0001 yards, to anyone on the Cleveland Browns, and I would lose the day. One completion of any distance would lose me the match. So naturally, Brandon Weeden immediately threw the ball directly to a Philadelphia Eagle. I was subsequently mobbed with high fives and hugs. The final score:

I: – 17.74
The adversary: -13.72

I want to gloat, really I do. But I can’t. I won’t lie, I didn’t care who won today. The perfection (horror) of today’s gameplay was like watching the Mona Lisa being painted, had the Mona Lisa been a depiction of a urinal mint drawn in crayon.

Then as if the universe wanted it to be the most perfect day of reverse fantasy football ever, I didn’t even have to photoshop a silly photo for this post. This actually came up in an image search for Brandon Weeden. He clearly loves America, spandex bike pants, and I don’t wish to look at this picture anymore.

– Jeff

Follow along at: http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/therealsuckleague

WeedenSpandex

Mark Zuckerberg at Colonus

Thursday, September 6th, 2012

Ok, had I known the adversary had made it past 3rd grade, unlike some of us (me), I may not have pursued this. Look, all the complete sentences and correct grammar in the adversary’s first post have NO place at Suckleague. I start 50% of my sentences with a conjunction. And (see?) I wouldn’t know good diction if it crawled up my ass and had kittens. I suppose it’s time to hop on that GED so I can find out what “Exeunt” means.

I will say I got a kick out the draft presented as a Greek tragedy, however I doubt Sophocles has anything to worry about at this year’s City Dionysia festival. What’s not tragic (worst transition ever) is that Suckleague is now on Facebook and Twitter (I thought a Suckleague LinkedIn account might be overkill). So be sure to check us out at www.facebook.com/suckleague and “like” suckleaugue. If you want keep up with my thoughts as soon as possible, you’ll get the occasional gray matter dry heave at @suckleague on Twitter.

Gameday can’t get here fast enough, so I wanted to put together a Ryan Tannehill vs. Brandon Weeden pre-game matchup pic. However, I have no idea what either of them look like, so I’m really relying on Google image search here. I THINK this is Ryan Tannehill and Brandon Weeden. IT’S SO ON.

– Jeff

RyanVsBrandonON