Opening day of Suckleague 2012 is in the books, and the stats are vulgar:
Combined defense: 58 points and 727 yards allowed.
Combined offense: 7 interceptions, 5 sacks, 3 fumbles, and exactly zero touchdowns.
I called it vile. The adversary called it despicable. Frankly, we were both being too nice. I must admit I’m a bit in awe. Typically something will go wrong (right) in a given week. A QB will throw 3 picks, but then lose focus and throw a TD, or a defense will give up 30, but get a takeaway in garbage time. Something positive is bound to happen. Nothing even resembling a distant cousin of positive, on either of our teams, happened today.
The way in which it unfolded was similarly breathtaking. The adversary and I were going back and forth with the lead all day. Tannehill would throw a pick, the guy on the Browns would throw a pick. FINE, one sec. Brandon Weeden would throw a pick, and they just kept competing (not at all competing) back and forth.
However as the 1pm games were winding down, I found myself with a fairly comfortable lead. Then it simply got wacky. Weeden and Tennessee’s defense did just enough that when Michael Vick threw what would be the game winning touchdown against the Browns with 1:18 left, I was 2/10 of a point ahead of the adversary. 2/10 of a point, 1:18 left. I explained to the group of people I was with the situation. All Brandon Weeden had to do is complete one pass, of any distance, simply more than .0001 yards, to anyone on the Cleveland Browns, and I would lose the day. One completion of any distance would lose me the match. So naturally, Brandon Weeden immediately threw the ball directly to a Philadelphia Eagle. I was subsequently mobbed with high fives and hugs. The final score:
I: – 17.74
The adversary: -13.72
I want to gloat, really I do. But I can’t. I won’t lie, I didn’t care who won today. The perfection (horror) of today’s gameplay was like watching the Mona Lisa being painted, had the Mona Lisa been a depiction of a urinal mint drawn in crayon.
Then as if the universe wanted it to be the most perfect day of reverse fantasy football ever, I didn’t even have to photoshop a silly photo for this post. This actually came up in an image search for Brandon Weeden. He clearly loves America, spandex bike pants, and I don’t wish to look at this picture anymore.
Follow along at: http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/therealsuckleague