I have a love / hate relationship with Ikea. Naturally, I enjoy cheap mix and match disposable furniture. I also dig their cutting boards. I know a cutting board is an odd thing to dig, but I cook a lot and they have these really solid plastic ones for like $2 each. Yet, the whole experience of Ikea always feels a bit Orwellian to me. On this trip, for reasons unknown to me, I took a mental inventory of the pros and cons of venturing inside an Ikea.
Pro: I enjoy the odd scale of everything. Like 8 inch tall nightstands towering over 4 inch tall beds. “It’s all part of my 43 square foot home!” Everyone in Sweden must be a hobbit. Whatever, at $7.99, I’ll take 3 of them.
Pro: I enjoy trying to guess how much their items cost. Things like a hanging lamp that’s the size of a Fiat and made of Kleenex ($49.99 btw).
Con: I don’t enjoy that family of assholes that traverses the store in the wrong direction. Are they even aware how much they’re jeopardizing the thin veneer of society that exists within an Ikea? I can never shake that unsettling feeling I get in that place that we’re a power outage away from cannibalism.
Con: I don’t enjoy being forced to walk through the children’s section. Without fail, I find myself having to negotiate a swarm of 0-3 year olds, and subsequently twice as many germs than if I had taken my shirt off and rubbed a pay phone all over my torso.
Con: Finally, I don’t enjoy that they constructed 20 checkout lanes, yet 16 of them are permanently closed.
I calculated at least a 20 minute wait to check out. So, I abandoned my 4 dollar cutting board purchase and left sad. Screw Ikea. Screw Abba, Volvo, vikings, socialism, the Nobel prize, and Pipi Longstocking as well. Of course, I’m fooling no one. I’ll be back there in a week.
I had really hoped somewhere in this story I’d find an on-ramp to reverse fantasy football… Say, so, you know what’s not at all like a giant Kleenex lamp from Ikea? New England’s offense! (Blech. The writing correspondence school is going to repossess my “certificate of education”.) So, as the Patriots play the Cardinals, I’ve gone with the storied Arizona defense to compliment Brandon Weeden and his rookiness this week.
In the meantime, see if you can guess what this is before you go look it up: (Hint, it’s only $9.99 and, uh, yeah I already ordered one.)