Since thou hast forsaken me, Romeo, thou art dead to me in Week 4

Written by TheAdversary on September 30th, 2012

I’m back–spent my week in Ibiza celebrating my Week 2 victory. Because what Italian model doesn’t love a Suckleague General Manager? All you have to do at the entrance to the club is whisper “Suckleague” and the velvet ropes magically part. Plus a Week 2 Suckleague win is all I’ve got right now, so I’ve got to work it hardcore. And IT WAS A VICTORY, I would like to remind our reader. Don’t let the RIM Super PAC’s TV-ad-and-dinnertime-robocall onslaught convince you otherwise. There are no moral victories in Suckleague: it’s a zero-sum game.

-0.24 = 1 win

Week 3 at 4 pm I thought I had it in the bag despite the fact that New Orleans was out-sucking my Chiefs Defense–then The Hail Mary from Shawn White to Young MC was completed, busting a move to push Detroit’s offense over 35 points and giving The Adversary’s Adversary a hole too dark and dank to crawl out of, i.e., Week 3 glory. I really expected better from thee, Romeo. Thou even had overtime to make it right.

–Week 4 locker room pep talk–
Well Comfort Wipes is not going to let a decent performance by the Chiefs Defense ruin our season. We’ve got a lot of sucking left to do here, several weeks of it. We’re only down by one. And number two is our specialty. Especially if you have to clean yourself hygienically in those hard-to-reach areas.

Anyway, Tannehill, you looked good (crappy) last week. You won the quarterback battle, but Branson has already put up some good (despicable) numbers this week against Baltimore. Time to show everyone what you can (can’t) do. I’m trusting you to come out swinging (whimpering) against a good Cardinals defense (can you believe that’s a real phrase?).

Carolina, you’re new to the Comfort Wipes phenomenon. You got a good Atlanta team in their house this week–it’s your time to shine (implode)–give them everything you’ve got (let them walk all over you).

(in our soft flexible head that grips toilet paper, tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely)

–The Adversary


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