September, 2012

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Adversary 2.0 – it’s all downhill from here

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012

There we go…sorry about that. Let that last post be a metaphor for the learning curve that might be scaled in a short time–and representative of the kind of performances we’re expecting to see around here. I think I was distracted by the specter of Shahid Khan’s enormous head rising in the East.

Thank you for the welcome, adversary. It’s the least you can do for me, considering my shoulder is still wet from the river of desperate tears flowing from your email begging me to join up with this travesty of an idea/website when you finally decided to Man Up and face the fact that the previous adversary, who seemingly departed under mysterious circumstances, wasn’t coming back. I surely can’t be the only one who’s wondering what REALLY happened here, since you’re being so tight-lipped about it….nevermind, I AM the only one wondering, since Suckleague Dot Com has only two readers.

– Hard Knocks : The Tragedy of Suckleague Dot Com –

ACT I

SCENE I. Draft Day. Email. At a computer.

The Adversary (that is, my Adversary) at his keyboard. Enter the Adversary’s Adversary (that is, me) also….at his keyboard. [But not at the same keyboard, or the same computer, or even the same desk. That would be weird. And they're probably not in the same city. And this happened over the course of a couple of days. Whatever...you get the point.]

The Adversary
I’ll extend an olive branch for your first year here (expect no other olive branches) and give you the first pick.

The Adversary’s Adversary
The new Suckleague franchise Comfort Wipes is ready to go for the 2012/2013 season. Thanks for the setup, the info and the peace offering–we’ll use the goodwill (and use it all up in one fell swoop) by making our first selection: Ryan Tannehill. That should make the fan base happy (cancel season tickets).

The Adversary
Nice pick, he was #1 (32) on my draft board as well. Damn you. I see your schwartz is as big as mine. Well if you’ve grabbed the locomotive, I’ll grab the caboose on Steven Ross’ train of dysfunction as it speeds towards the cliff. With the #2 pick, Research in Motion selects The Miami Dolphins defense and hopes Arian Foster short circuits the scoreboard he finds the end-zone so much.

The Adversary’s Adversary
Good (awful) pick…I saw on Twitter that Comfort Wipes was considering going in 100% (0%) on the Dolphins. With the #3 pick, Comfort Wipes selects…The Tennessee Titans defense. The Comfort Wipes GM is currently at his place of [real] employment so we can’t get into the several reasons why, due to having to be at a meeting in a few minutes–let’s just say we’re banking on Tom Brady stinking up the joint (posting career-high stats).

The Adversary
Ah, I too am but a part time GM and equally loathe meetings. Well then with final pick, Mr. Irrelevant is Brandon Weeden. A rookie QB starting on the Cleveland Browns has such a nice ring to it … Good luck (to me)

Exeunt.

Fin. –

Comfort Wipes (my team) is here to wipe the floor (but hygienically, because touching toilet paper is gross) with my adversary the Blankberry’s squad, R.I.M. There’s another toilet joke in there somewhere, but my sense is that the waste we’ll be dealing with will be on the gridiron and our rosters.

Comfort Wipes is ready to start the season off right with Miami rookie QB Ryan Tannehill against the Houston Texans defense. I can only hope he doesn’t end up broken into pieces so I can continue to exploit him in Week 2. On the defensive side the Tennessee Titans are sure to get picked apart by Tom Brady, one QB who I can say for sure would never be signed to the Comfort Wipes roster. It’s on like Chaka Shahid Khan–I feel for you, NFL.

–The Adversary

?

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012

how does this thing work? I can’t

Suckleague 2 – The Wrath of Shahid Khan

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

There’s been some changes here at reverse fantasy football HQ. For reasons beyond the scope of this blog, the adversary is no more at Suckleague. But, we bear him no ill will and wish him luck in his future endeavors. Suckleague must and will continue.

Now to the exciting news. While the adversary may be gone, please allow me to introduce… the adversary! I could hardly go on about the strenuous screening process and all the science that went into the ultimate selection of the new adversary, so I won’t even try. But let me say this: I’m excited, and for good reason. For the first time ever, the adversary will be posting content! That’s right, adversary 2.0 is interactive. His writing has been sampled and it appears to be of high quality, potentially written by him, and even possilby not stolen. I assume most of it’s spelled correctly as well.

What this means to you is now you’ll have even more suckleague! Well, wait. Let me think about that. I’ve been doing 100% of the posting since inception, so I may have to start slacking a bit. Hell I could even take this season off if this works out. No, that’s probably a bad idea, somebody would notice, well, might notice. Anyway, what this clearly means to you, is more, or less, or about the same amount, of high quality, or the same quality, or measurably lower quality content. And how can you not be excited about that?

So, it’s a new day at Suckleague, let’s jump in. The Suckleague 2012 draft is complete and the results are in. I’ll let the adversary explain his terrible (in the best sense of the word) picks. With the #2 pick, I grabbed the Miami Dolphins defense, fully expecting Arian Foster to sprain his PCL from running thorugh them for 650 yards. My QB pick was equally appaling: The guy who plays quarterback for the Cleavland Browns. Yep, him. (Sorry, one sec.) Yep, Brady Weelen. Er, Brady Weeden, sorry. BRANDON, Bradon Weeden. BAM. And finally, my team name this year? What else, “Research in Motion”. I fully expect the team to outlast the company while matching the performance of their stock.

So join me in welcoming the adversary. I sense the sun is rising on the worst season yet.

Ok, this image is creeping me out the more I look at it. If Shahid Khan’s head ever does for whatever reason expand to the size of our sun, I don’t think I’d go outside anymore.

Jeff (Guess I need to sign these now)

Wrath of Kahn