October, 2012

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Meme, myself, and I

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

So the adversary, what with him being near ground zero of “super-storm” Sandy, has put us all at ease, sending an “it’s all good” email to the Suckleague Florida offices. We can now safely move on to the week 8 results and / or my week 9 preview.

The transcript of that email exchange is as follows:

Myself: “Adversary, come in. Reply if it’s all good with the hurricane and all”.
The Adversary: “Hey, sexy lady. Oppan Gangnam Style.”
Me: “Ok great.”
Me: “Wait, what?”

The adversary in actuality said no such thing. However, that’s what I heard. Why? I was dumb enough to check out the “gangnam style” video that’s garnered something like 74 trillion hits in the last week to see what the all the fuss was about. And sadly, I was hooked. I ‘m a huge fan of the absurd, and this video is wonderfully absurd. It’s also the worst thing ever when it comes to “song-stuck-in-the-head-syndrome”. I’m tempted at this point to slam my head in my refrigerator door until either I die or the meme goes away.

But first let’s recap week 8. For me, Jake Skelton was bad, Jacksonville’s defense was bad. For the adversary, New Orleans’s defense was deplorable and Blaine Gabbert was, whoops, almost competent and, at the end of the day, his undoing.

So back to my pain. This Gangnam thing is driving me mad, and as we all know, the only thing to defeat a stuck in the head song is a worse stuck in the head song. So let’s go with “Heaven’s on Fire” by Kiss. And let’s add to this assault on my synapses by breaking down the lyrics, line by line. Think you stand a chance “Gangnam style”? Good freaking luck.

I look at you and my blood boils hot.
Apparently I’m quite attracted to you.
I feel my temperature rise
However, I am feeling a bit of cold coming on.
I want it all give me what you got
As you’ve activated my libido, would you consider joining me in the sex?
There’s hunger in your eyes
But you appear a bit peckish. Perhaps you should grab a cheese sandwich, and then we’ll enjoy the sex.
I’m getting closer baby hear me breathe
The congestion is clearly getting worse, I sound like there’s a rape whistle stuck in my throat.
You know the way to give me what I need
And at this point, I think what I need is a large dose of Nyquil. Would you happen to have any?
Just let me love you and you’ll never leave
Once that kicks in, we can continue with the sex.
Feel my heat takin’ you higher
I apologize for the uncomfortable sensation my feverish skin is creating. I’m also sorry for sweating all over you. Frankly, I’m disgusting at this point.
Burn with me, Heaven’s on fire
If you haven’t contracted this already, you will shortly.
Paint the sky with desire
It would not surprise me at all if I started projectile vomiting into the air in random directions.
Angel fly, Heaven’s on fire
It’s probably best you go. Call me next week?

Well hopefully this has helped.

Style

OH COME ON, THAT’S KIM JONG-UN, NOT PSY. Oh, whatever. That song is still in my head. This post sucks.

– J

The adversary is OK!

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Just a quick post: the adversary has survived super-storm Sandy. I don’t know where on the Saffir-Simpson scale “super-storm” resides, I assume somewhere in between “Tropical Storm” and “The last freaking day of the Mayan calendar”, but it’s looking good that Suckleague 2012 operations will continue without incdent. From my home base in SW Florida, having had my share of pain in the ass hurricanes with names, I’ll send out mad Suckleague vibes to all affected by Sandy. Week 8 details in a bit, stay dry.

So I cook a lot

Friday, October 26th, 2012

So I cook a lot. I think I’ve mentioned that in more than one post, but If I haven’t let me do that now. So I cook a lot. And one of my favorite questions to pose whilst cooking is “How do you make sure you don’t use too much cilantro?” The answer to that question will come in a minute. And yes, somehow I just used “whilst” in a post. Consequently an impenetrable awesome bubble has just formed around me.

So week 8 is upon us and I’m sticking with Jack Skelton vs. the allegedly brutal 49ers defense. Not so allegedly brutal is the Jacksonville Jaguar defense (also mine), who face Aaron Rogers and the rest of the Green Bay Packers at home this week. The adversary is to some extent against the ropes this week, what with team me (still encompassed by an impenetrable awesome bubble) at 5-2 and team body odor poopy head (the adversary) currently sitting at 2-5. In his defense, several of those games have been decided by less than a point. But I think, in his first year in the fishbowl, under the microscope of the official Suckleague HQ reverse fantasy football league, the pressure he feels must be excruciating. Or no big deal at all and nothing he thinks about ever, that’s possible as well.

Anyway, back to culinary question of the evening, “How do you make sure you don’t use too much cilantro?” That is of course a trick question; you can’t use too much cilantro. Sorry Alex Smith, I have so much cilantro wood right now.

Awesome

– J

Personal foul, post is all over the place

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

So I was reviewing the material I put together for this post, and it’s a complete mess. I had started by pointing out that, as I drive a bunch for business, I drive a hybrid, then went into this bit about how you’d think I’d have some kinship with other hybrid drivers. However I really don’t, as they drive too slow and annoy me, and then some piece about how whenever I pass one, my mind starts playing angry lesbian folk artist muzak, the kind where they sing about pavement or honey, like you might hear in the bathroom at Crate and Barrel. So that lead into a rant, something about me being accused of being a Freemason? Really? Man, this is all over the place. So, as absolutely NOTHING is coming of this, and since the best course of action for a bad idea is a quick death, let’s turn to the ultimate cure for writer’s block: John Gruden’s ramblings.

Update 10:55 pm: Ok, you have to be kidding me. I’ve put up with 3 quarters of this and John Gruden’s comments are intelligent, coherent, and for the most part proper English. I give up (again). So to this week’s fantasy match:

The adversary and I have reverted to our razor thin margins of victory, the winner (winner) being determined this week by less than a point. He went all in on the Jets at the last minute, and frankly that was a really strong move. However Mark Sanchez did just enough to outdo my “team” of John Skelton (I don’t know who he is either) and Washington’s defense. I will take the final score of 8.24 vs. 9.16, advantage me.

So, there you go. I don’t see this post improving at all, so in closing, I’ll go ahead and close.

Freemason

– J

I have so much Alex Smith wood right now

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

So I am a male, human mammal. Let’s just get that out of the way. As I sit here watching San Fran vs Seattle, some of the camera angles they put on the 49er’s cheerleaders have that primal human part of me reasoning “Why on earth have we not signed over our entire life savings to one of those women so we can have the privilege of sucking on her legs?” Wait, what? Look, I never claimed being a male human mammal was easy or made sense on any level. And I suppose I’m fortunate some part of my un-primal self thinks that’s an incredibly horrible idea. Well, to some extent. Look, I can make more money, can’t I? So, can’t she have what I’ve made up to this point because I’D REALLY ENJOY LICKING HER HAIR. Wow, what? Man, mammals are fucked up, especially the male ones.

So I won this odd week, a week in which the Oakland Raiders defense achieved 3 interceptions and Ryan Tannehill threw 2 touchdowns (None of that was a typo). Week 6 didn’t go right for either the adversary or myself, save Brady Quinn who was really quite rancid. Cutting ties with Brandon Weeden was smart, and was the main reason for my victory (victory). I am not GM on any level, but I do sense the adversary is trying to save Oldsmobile at this point (see the last 2 posts) with Ryan Tannehill, and he needs to snap out of it.

But let’s get back to real reason for this post. Alex Smith, the first Suckleague hall of fame inductee for his 2005 performance, is as of now kicking ass once again in 2012, and I couldn’t be happier. Alex Smith, YOU ARE SUCKLEAGUE. Stink up the joint your first few years then evolve and kick all the ass there is. My baby keeps growing up and OH MAN IS HIS WIFE HOT AND I WANT TO

Wow sorry. This mammal bullshit is hard to cope with sometimes.

AlexSmithWife

– J

Worst title ever

Friday, October 12th, 2012

What a pleasant surprise last night when I discovered there would be no new episode of The Office, but instead an all-channel showing of a vice presidential debate. Vice presidential debate. The only other 3 words I can think I’d want to hear less are “quick penis biopsy”. “Weeden’s fifth touchdown” would be pretty horrible as well, and maybe “Mcrib is back”. Really the penis thing would be the worst by a significant margin. Then Mcrib, then probably the debate. What the heck was my point here?

Oh the debate. Of course it was boring and predictable on both sides, but a pleasant surprise was Joe Biden on the split screen. In case you missed it, every time Paul Ryan said anything at all, be it some claim about the economy or simply stating his age or what town he was from, Biden responded with a rolling-eyed smiley face as if he just heard Hillary Clinton explain to the moderator how Bill wears the pants in the family:

BidenSmile1

Yeah that look there. I have a feeling this behavior was coached by the same guy who told Al Gore in 2000, “Get in W’s face, get really close to him, like uncomfortably close. Actually get BETWEEN Bush and the camera. Oh man is this going to work!” They should consider firing that guy, just my take. I did come away satisfied both candidates will fight to protect the long tradition of gridlock that makes our government so great.

Speaking of debate… (really?) YES REALLY. Look you cannot teach this kind of mastery of topic transition, you’re simply born with it or not. And clearly I was born.

I probably spent 20 minutes staring at Yahoo this afternoon debating (bam) who would replace the ever improving Brandon Weeden. Yet even after that odd diatribe in my last post how I swore I wouldn’t try to save Oldsmobile, it appears I’ve reallocated a huge portion of my budget to redesign the Cutlass Supreme by keeping Brandon Weeden. Ok, I failed. I can’t find a better option right now. But I’m not done, Weeden will screw me this weekend if I don’t swap him out, just as the emperor has foreseen. However, defensively I’m feeling great. I’ve secured the blue (formerly silver) and black for their trip to Atlanta. If Matt Ryan can’t put up 35 on the Raiders, well, um I don’t need the second part of this, there’s no way Matt Ryan won’t put up 35 on the Raiders.

I will update if, NAY WHEN, I swap Weeden out. I’ll not forget history, for when we do, we’re doomed to repeat it.

Oldsmobile Achieva

Ok seriously, gross. What the hell is that?
That “Acheiva” is a good looking car, isn’t it Joe Biden?

BidenSmile2

– J

RIM up, Comfort Wipes down (That sounds oddly appropriate).

10/14 UPDATE:

Goodbye Brady Weeden, I’ve replaced you with Brandon Quinn.

Quinn

This is not your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate’s Oldsmobile

Monday, October 8th, 2012

Back in 1985, General Motors attempted to respond to the dominance of Toyota and Honda in the American market by creating a company that, in theory, wouldn’t build massive, horrible cars. The result was Saturn. Somewhere around 1990, the first Saturn rolled off the line and the company billed itself as “different kind of car company”.

Saturn proved wildly popular. It’s cult following of devotees would burn their annually allotted 2 weeks of vacation driving to Spring Hill, Tennessee to participate in some kind of bizarre state fair quasi commune kibbutz car thingie, wherein Saturn owners would sit in lawn chairs near other Saturn owners sitting in lawn chairs and discuss how much they enjoyed being Saturn owners. The GM of the late 20th century finally had a winner.

Naturally GM fucked this up. To quote a former Saturn executive, “Saturn lost out to Oldsmobile in a debate among executives over whether to kill Olds or revive it at Saturn’s expense”. The result of that meeting? The Saturn L series:

SaturnL

You will see no such stupidity here. Team RIM knows how to cut it’s losses. Brandon Weeden has taken his lumps, is now consistently throwing multiple touchdowns every game, and appears to be a viable NFL quarterback. This is, of course, fantastic for Brandon Weeden, but has no place whatsoever at reverse fantasy football central. I, unlike GM, will divert ZERO resources in some misguided attempt to justify Oldsmobile or Brandon Weeden any longer. And yes, the adversary “mildly” won the week by like 4 points or something, avoiding a 1-4 embarrassment with a 2-3 “statement”. Very much like this Cutlass Cierra makes a statement.

I’m open to suggestions as to what that statement could possibly be.

cierra

– J

That’s my Gruden

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2012

So valued reader(s), week 4 is in the books and it’s time for my favorite type of post: Crap-John-Gruden-says-during-MNF-as-well-as-random-observations. As always, these are actual John Gruden comments.

Gruden: “Great receivers make one man miss.” (I would think great receivers make all 11 men miss)

Random Observation: Rob Ryan looks like a weighty version Rex Ryan, who himself looks like a weighty version of Rex Ryan.

Random Observation: Apparently the Buffalo Bills cut their punter Brian Mormon earlier this week because he’s not a good directional punter. Dallas has since picked him up and tonight Brian Mormon has kicked 2 of the most beautiful directional punts I’ve ever seen. Also, Brian Mormon looks like a bald Kerry Collins in 3/4 scale. So don’t let anyone ever tell you the Dallas Cowboys don’t know how to judge talent because both of those points are very impressive.

BrianMormon

Gruden: “Jay Cutler hands the ball off to Forte, away from where the Cowboys are” (You mean behind the line of scrimmage? Where else would a hand off occur?)

Random Observation: Jay Culter is a quarterback in the NFL. Jay Cutler makes many millions of dollars a year. Jay Culter gets to have lots of sex with Kristin Cavallari.

AngryJay

And yet Jay Culter is always pissed off.
Jay Culter is an idiot.

Gruden: “You’ve got to admire a quarterback that throws an interception for a touchdown.” (What, why?)

As to week 4, the adversary and I went into the 4 o’clock games scored fairly close as both our defenses were deplorable. It would come down to the mighty shoulder of preeminence. The arm of competency. THE HAND OF FACULTY (Ryan Tannehill) AND AT ONE POINT I REALLY (oh sorry, caps lock) I really was quite close to losing (losing). While he threw 2 interceptions, gave himself up to be sacked 4 times, and even lost a fumble, ultimately he lost focus and threw a TD and for 400 yards. Score another victory by a margin well into the whole numbers (4.42) for team RIM. Just when you think Research in Motion can’t get any worse, they find a way. What do you think of that coach Gruden?

Gruden: “Chicago continues to run the big bad bush” (Wow, that can’t be appropriate)

– J