So the adversary, what with him being near ground zero of “super-storm” Sandy, has put us all at ease, sending an “it’s all good” email to the Suckleague Florida offices. We can now safely move on to the week 8 results and / or my week 9 preview.
The transcript of that email exchange is as follows:
Myself: “Adversary, come in. Reply if it’s all good with the hurricane and all”.
The Adversary: “Hey, sexy lady. Oppan Gangnam Style.”
Me: “Ok great.”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The adversary in actuality said no such thing. However, that’s what I heard. Why? I was dumb enough to check out the “gangnam style” video that’s garnered something like 74 trillion hits in the last week to see what the all the fuss was about. And sadly, I was hooked. I ‘m a huge fan of the absurd, and this video is wonderfully absurd. It’s also the worst thing ever when it comes to “song-stuck-in-the-head-syndrome”. I’m tempted at this point to slam my head in my refrigerator door until either I die or the meme goes away.
But first let’s recap week 8. For me, Jake Skelton was bad, Jacksonville’s defense was bad. For the adversary, New Orleans’s defense was deplorable and Blaine Gabbert was, whoops, almost competent and, at the end of the day, his undoing.
So back to my pain. This Gangnam thing is driving me mad, and as we all know, the only thing to defeat a stuck in the head song is a worse stuck in the head song. So let’s go with “Heaven’s on Fire” by Kiss. And let’s add to this assault on my synapses by breaking down the lyrics, line by line. Think you stand a chance “Gangnam style”? Good freaking luck.
I look at you and my blood boils hot.
Apparently I’m quite attracted to you.
I feel my temperature rise
However, I am feeling a bit of cold coming on.
I want it all give me what you got
As you’ve activated my libido, would you consider joining me in the sex?
There’s hunger in your eyes
But you appear a bit peckish. Perhaps you should grab a cheese sandwich, and then we’ll enjoy the sex.
I’m getting closer baby hear me breathe
The congestion is clearly getting worse, I sound like there’s a rape whistle stuck in my throat.
You know the way to give me what I need
And at this point, I think what I need is a large dose of Nyquil. Would you happen to have any?
Just let me love you and you’ll never leave
Once that kicks in, we can continue with the sex.
Feel my heat takin’ you higher
I apologize for the uncomfortable sensation my feverish skin is creating. I’m also sorry for sweating all over you. Frankly, I’m disgusting at this point.
Burn with me, Heaven’s on fire
If you haven’t contracted this already, you will shortly.
Paint the sky with desire
It would not surprise me at all if I started projectile vomiting into the air in random directions.
Angel fly, Heaven’s on fire
It’s probably best you go. Call me next week?
Well hopefully this has helped.
OH COME ON, THAT’S KIM JONG-UN, NOT PSY. Oh, whatever. That song is still in my head. This post sucks.