Big Daddy is back!!! And by “big daddy,” I mean our on-again, off-again Suckleague hero villain Romeo Crennel. And by “back,” I mean trapped in the barren, talentless quagmire that is the 2012 Kansas City Chiefs roster.
When you hear the word “Chief,” you think of the top dawg. The big enchilada. Best cheese. (??) Número uno. Five star general. Leader of men, inspiration to us all, alpha mutt.
When you modify that noun with “Kansas City,” you don’t think any of those things. This team hasn’t led any NFL games in regulation this season for even one second. You automatically make such majestic associations as: runt; wet, flaccid chimichanga; number 32; fans’ self-hatred. There is a “Save the Chiefs” Twitter account with 72,000 followers, and it’s legitimate, for Akin’s sake.
Which makes them the Suckleague gold standard!! In recent weeks, Blaine Gabbert and Ryan Tannehill have let us down with respectable performances. But like the General Petraeus biography co-authored by his mistress, we’re ALL IN on KC this week. Especially with this Monday night’s battle looming against the Pittsburgh Steelers–an actual professional football team. Due to some sort of “head injury,” we’ll have to ride bareback this week without the production prophylactic known as Brady Quinn–and metaphorically move to Colorado to legally smoke all of our Matt Cassel weed.
Speaking of pot and condoms, score Week 9 for team ass wand.
(SO forced and poorly written, but challenge met!) Last week, buoyed by emergency Red Cross distributions of Arizona Cardinals defense and Christian Ponder ineffectiveness, Comfort Wipes was able to rise above the damage inflicted by Superstorm Sandy to take a victory from the electricity-, public transit-, and gas-rich Research In Motion organization. May the recovery continue! It’s on! Poutine, Canuck, eh!
–The Kansas City Comfort Wipe Chiefs