Warm up the pimp hand

Written by SLAdmin on November 26th, 2012

“Shares of Research In Motion are rebounding since falling to a nine-year low this past summer. The BlackBerry maker’s stock has rallied nearly 70% in the past three months…”

The namesake of such, i.e., my reverse fantasy football team, has pulled off a similar turnaround, losing (losing) the last 4 games. Research in Motion, you’re fired.

RIM is fired

Time for a Karma douche (Who says that?).

When things are trending this way, there’s no choice other than to release every member of your team and rename the squad. RIM is dead.

But hold up, before we break a bottle of champagne over the new quarterback’s head, I’ve got a major bone to pick. Someone very near and dear to Suckleague was wronged, and I will not let this go without a fight. If you’ve ever read the Suckleague rulebook:

1.) You’re not the adversary (Zing!)
2.) You know how much I dig Alex Smith

The “Spirit of Suckleague” (also an obscure Rush song) was benched this week, and all he did wrong was get hit on the head. This prompted me to visit his head coach, the transcript of which is provided:

Me: Are you the one that coaches the 49ers or the Ravens?

Jim Harbaugh: How did you get to California so quickly?

Me: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Jim Harbaugh: Look, I love Alex Smith

Me: Didn’t you work out Peyton Manning when the Colts released him?

Jim Harbaugh: Look, I love Alex Smith

Me: Did you not start Colin Kaepernick this week?

Jim Harbaugh: Look, I love Alex Smith

Me: What’s the square root of 196?

Jim Harbaugh: Look, I love Alex Smith

Then I challenged him to an arm wrestle, Jim Harbaugh challenged me to a rap war, and frankly it deteriorated from there. However, I didn’t leave without issuing my STRONGEST INSISTENCE that Alex Smith be given his starting quarterback job back. Let that gnaw at you Jim Harbaugh.

So back to team me. It’s been a horrid streak, and it’s time correct the ship. I need some serious reverse fantasy Karma and I know exactly where to get it. I’ve got to go old school. It’s no secret that for a time in my past, my dark ages frankly, I indeed owned a 1996 Pontiac Firebird. Let’s recall some of the highlights of that experience:

    - If I turned the volume knob on the radio in either direction, the speakers would output audio at a random decibel. This was very disconcerting.

    - One of the headlights, and just one, was permanently stuck in the up position. You’d think this would produce some kind of relatively cool “my car is winking” effect, but in reality it just produced a “my car is a huge piece of shit” effect.

    - Going over any speed bump, regardless of speed, would elicit a squeak identical to that of any cartoon mattress sex sound affect.

    - The shift boot had a plastic surround that shattered into several pieces because I was foolish enough to change gears from time to time.

I could keep going but you get the idea. Yes, I’m digging deep. This is the Suckleague Juju I need. There is no choice. RIM is dead. The turnaround begins now.

The Chicken Apocalypse is upon us.

FireChicken

– J

 

Share on Facebook

Leave a Comment