December, 2012

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The Fat Lady Swallows Her Tongue

Monday, December 31st, 2012

The 2012 season of Suckleague is in the books. The adversary has thankfully returned from exile abroad (Dubai? Moscow? Langfang? Passaic?) and it’s time to try to make some sense of this nonsense.

As the adversary pointed out, quite poignantly while on the can, week 16 had myself and the adversary and the adversary’s adversary (wait I’m in there twice) deadlocked at 8-8. The victor would be determined in week 17, and needless to say, in the battle of the late 70s / early 80s GM hood decals, there can be only one:

Ok, that was nothing at all like how week 17 went on any level whatsoever at all. But speaking of poignant moments on the toilet, why does Michael Knight look like he’s battling major constipation anytime Kitt goes into “turbo” mode?

Hasslehoff Dump

How did I get from reverse fantasy football to David Hasselhoff taking a dump again? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. What does matter? I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, so called comfort jets / anonymous chicken wipes, WELCOME TO THE FRESHMAN 20. *

* I’m really quite horrible at trash talk, more evidence to follow

Hey adversary, here’s some words for you to consider regarding your defeat: Disgrace, humiliation, compunction, loss of face, pudency, shamefacedness.

OH FINE. I typed “embarrassment” into Thesauraus.com. You think I know what any of those words mean? Some of them have, like, 7 LETTERS OR MORE.

In all seriousness, this was without question the most competitive year of Suckleague ever. How competitive? After 17 games, less than 3 points separate our totals for the season:

Me: 101.94
Him: 104.44

That’s completely absurd. If you average that out over 17 weeks, each of our games was determined by 0.1764701 points. You can trust me, that’s less than 1.

So on to the post-season festivities. I plan to post my favorite moments from the season and I invite the adversary to do so as well. There will, of course, be another annual Suckies awards, highlighting the worst (so utterly worst) performances of the year. Also, and I say this every damn year, I will try to post with some degree of regularity in the off season, and invite adversary 2.0 to join me. If not football, Ikea isn’t going anywhere, and there’s a blog career in relating Ikea experiences.

So me up, the adversary down, 2012 deemed successful, cheers to a 2013 with no superstorms.

Oh hell, fire off “Anthem” again:

– J

ALL WILL BE EXPLAINED by Blow Football

Monday, December 31st, 2012

I’m up way past my bedtime this evening after driving several hours and several hundred miles today and I haven’t taken a look at the Suckleague scoreboard, though I know the games’ results (none of which I could actually watch). Unfortunately I was looking at antique American art, decorative arts and furniture all day today–things just like “Blow Football,” I assure you. Ok, full disclosure: Blow Football isn’t even in the same galaxy. Sorry, Blow Football…I’m writing this on the toilet and this is neither the time nor the place to be untruthful.

I had only enough time to change my team’s name to the completely awesome and original Chicken Apocalypso. Sounds like the new Macarena, right??? We haven’t had enough juicy unattributed quotes from Anonymous Jets sources to make that team name relevant any longer–it’s all out in the open….but SOMEHOW Mark Sanchez got the starting nod this week for them after an entire season of futility. I was looking forward facing McLemore for another week. At various times this season I’ve thought that the Jets were trying to win our Suckleague. Guys, let me clue you in: YOU’RE REAL.

Tangential rant over. I also had time to switch out my team. So Thaddeus Lewis of the Cleveland Browns answered the bell for Chicken Calypso this week–for his first ever NFL start, against the Steelers. Sounds great–I couldn’t even find a picture of him with a head! The Kansas City Chiefs defense was there for the taking as well–they’ve been a bottomless, yet nutritious, pool of misery for us this year.

Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso has stormed back from a seemingly unassailable summit of glory to level the score through week 16. An incredible comeback of fantasy and gridiron ineptitude! What could happen! Brady Quinn vs. Thad Lewis! KC vs. Miami “defenses!” This is it, avert your eyes!

Here’s hoping: That the Apocalypso will perform a horribly cliche caribbean mango dance on the grave of the Apocalypse. That The Adversary will triumph over The Adversary’s Adversary. That The Adversary’s Adversary has considered this experiment a successful one–regardless of today’s outcome and despite The Adversary’s self-imposed and inadvertent exile (that’s an apology without saying “I’m sorry for not writing more”)–damn i just apologized. That a cheap copy of BLOW FOOTBALL surfaces on Craigslist. That 2013 sucks even harder, deeper, and longer than 2012. (We’ll have to work at it because this year was so awful, but with some Adderall, strawberry weight gainer shakes, a framed portrait of Romeo Crennel, and a bean burrito hidden in the glove compartment of a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron, we’ve got a chance to finish in the negative.)

Tomorrow morning before breakfast I’ll check the final scores. Until then, Happy New Year.
–Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THIS IS

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

WhoAmI

– J

Holiday Wishes

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Disclaimer: This post was prepared well in advance of December 25th and filled in at the last moment. Still, it’s probably way more than you’re getting from any other fantasy football site on December 25th, so you’re welcome. Take a quick break from random-visiting-racist-uncle’s rant and enjoy.

Well what a week it’s been. What a fantastic win / loss by my team.

I couldn’t be happier / more upset.

The season is clearly mine / to be determined next week.

What a competent opponent / pushover adversary 2.0 has been.

Our gridiron competition is going to be exciting to watch next week / over.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas / Joyous Kwanza / Happy Chanukah / enjoyable day off at the expense of the superstitious.

Please check back in a few days for more intriguing reverse fantasy football debate / internet pollution.

So from me, (I’ve not heard from the adversary in about a month, not even via electronic mail so I can only assume he’s on some extended eggnog bender. In which case, good on him.) to you and yours, Happy Holidays.

Here’s a picture of a horrid GM product / horrid Ford product / John Boehner

Sunbird Claus

– J

The End is Here

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

No, not the Mayan thing. Stop being superstitious.

It’s the end of the hybrid experiment. As I think I’ve pointed this out several times, I drive quite a bit for my job. So in late 2010 I had this brilliant (imbecilic) idea to purchase a Honda Civic hybrid. Don’t misunderstand me, the car did deliver what it promised: mpg constantly near the 40mpg range. However, there is not any another aspect of that vehicle that wasn’t a compromise. Things I will miss (not miss at all) about my old car:

  • Sweating in September, even though the A/C was on MAX.
  • When the battery was low, how it wouldn’t provide any assist from the electric motor and I’d essentially be driving a 3,500 pound car with 70 horsepower.
  • The utter confirmation of Newtonian laws that occurred when I tried to drive myself and 3 other people to lunch.
  • And of course (not), all the women hitting on me at traffic lights because it was such a chick magnet.

Let me say this (and excuse my profanity) in the clearest terms: “Fuck Hybrids”.

I am now the proud owner of a conventional gasoline car and I couldn’t be happier. I had forgotten how satisfying it is to press a gas pedal and have the car accelerate. As happy as I am, I can’t think of a way to get to reverse fantasy football from here, so I’ll use my once per season “get out of topic transition” card and just get to my picks for the week.

(see “get out of topic transition” card)”:

Jacksonville’s defense and Greg McElroy.

Also I’m pretty tired and can’t think of anything more creative than “disgusting” for my picks this week, so I’ll use my once per season “get out of closing” card.

So, in closing (see “get out of closing” card)

pain

Man, see “get out of style” card as well apparently.

– J

Do Over

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

Let me get this out of the way. I was in Publix earlier this evening and I noticed that John Skelton is now a Red Baron pizza box model:

JohnSkeltonPizza

Of course, he played ghastly last week, -18 something. While I expect him to be fired at some point in the near future, I have to admire his forward-thinking-ness-man-ship in already scoring a gig with Red Baron. Ryan Lindley is playing detestable football as well, but I doubt he has the name recognition of a John Skelton (?) to land something this big. Frankly, if Arizona could stick with one quarterback, either the adversary or myself would be 15-0 right now, but they keep changing out the position.

For dinner this evening, I decided to pull the trigger on the John Skelton pizza. I did my best to come up with a suitable side dish. After some debate, I naturally went with fuyu persimmons:

WTF

So I sat down to enjoy my meal of John Skelton pizza and fuyu persimmons (said nobody at all in the history mankind) and consider week 15.

True story, I went to swap out Philadelphia’s defense at 8:21 PM on Thursday evening. The game hadn’t started by a longshot, however Yahoo was adamant in insisting the game had started at 8:20 PM and that I couldn’t have Tampa’s defense. I call BS on this and demand a do-over.

You could make the argument that only 6 year olds request a do-over and you’d be correct for the most part. Frankly you’d be correct in every instance. However that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t win and there must be some way to correct that.

Am I being delusional to some (every) extent? Probably (without question). And really, even though Tampa’s defense was worth a vulgar -13.00, Christen Ponder scored me 10.62 and I couldn’t on any level recover from the adversary’s disgusting -9.32 performance this week.
So going into reverse fantasy football week 16, it’s still anybody’s season (keeping in mind that if the adversary wins, it doesn’t really count)

– J

Awe

Thursday, December 13th, 2012

So, week 14.
Sorry, doing that Canadian thing again where I start my sentences with “so”.
So, hang on, photo:

Skelly

This is without question John Skelton indicating that he’s got one more interception left in him. Or pointing to where he threw his last interception. Or indicating the coordinates of where he will throw the interception he’ll throw after the interception he’s planning to throw the next play. Perhaps it’s some kind of gang sign for “I’m going to throw a bunch of interceptions then drive away in my Escalade”.

-18.12

You read that correctly.
4 interceptions.
2 fumbles.
74 yards passing.

-18.12

I’ll just stop typing.

Ryansary is on again

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

I received a very odd phone call from the adversary earlier: (which is, of course, code for what follows is a complete fabrication)

The Adversary: Big Ben is healthy.

Me: Yeah I saw.

The Adversary: I’m in a South Beach recording studio with Ryan Tannehill.

Me: How did you get to Miami so quickly?

The Adversary: Really?

Me: Sorry.

The Adversary: I need your opinion on something. Listen to this.

Me: Ok?

Ryan Tannehill: I was a fool to ever leave your side
The Adversary: Me minus you is such a lonely ride
Ryan Tannehill: That break-up we had has made me lonesome and sad
The Adversary: I realize I love you ‘cuz I want you back, hey-hey
Both: Reunited and it feels so good

Me: Please. Stop.

The Adversary: What did you think?

Me: What would you like me to say? I think I’m permanently impotent after hearing that.

The Adversary: Forget it. You know I don’t see a degree in music from university of Phoenix hanging on your wall.

Me: Well no, but, what?

That’s right, it took until week 14, but the Suckleague #1 pick of 2012 and his drafter are back together again! As exciting as that is, I can assure our reader(s) that the chances of a me / Brandon Weeden reconciliation are about zero. He’s just so damn immature and puts his friends’ needs over mine and he’s in love with his stupid car and, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh, this week’s matchup.

So beyond the oblivious QB / GM reunion, the adversary has once again enlisted Oakland’s “defense”, which should be a solid play. As of now (9ish EST) they look like the keystone cops for the most part, but have a fluke interception. The Chicken Apocalypse is rather pissed that Ryan Lindley (?) has been benched in favor of John Skelton (?), but is sticking with the Cardinals QB. Defensively, I’m going with Philadelphia. Traditionally Philadelphia is an ok defense, however the situation in meat-inundated-with-cheese-town has deteriorated into a soap opera where Andy Reid fires some random coach each week, one can only assume in anticipation of his own dismissal at the end of the season.

So let’s congratulate the adversary and Ryan Tannehill on their reconciliation and pretend we all think it will last. He does only hit you when he’s been drinking.

Reunited

The Iceman cometh. Goose and Maverick as well.

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

Motivation time. This post is interactive so pay attention.

1) Click on the following link to begin the soundtrack for this post. Click past any ads and once the video is playing, return here and go to step 2:

Top Gun – Anthem

2) Now that we have music, click on the following and spend a good minute or two staring at it:

I love my country

Ideally print off the above page so you can stare at it from time to time whilst reading the remainder of this post. I’d advise looping “Anthem” at this point as well.

Victory has returned to team Me. I’ve faced quite a few weeks of defeat, but I’m back. And that means America is back. Our armed forces are back, and our unions are back. (?)

To the events of week 13. I pulled the trigger on Miami’s defense and Ryan Lindley this week. The adversary went with Tennessee’s defense and Charlie Batch. It was all reasonably terrible, but the day really rested on Charlie Batch’s shoulders. Being the sole 4 pm player, he was make or break for both of us. At one point he had thrown for enough yards to win me the week, however he promptly tossed an interception and put me a seemingly insurmountable 4 points behind (behind) the adversary. Fast forward a bit and he sealed my victory by throwing a TD pass to Heath Miller. And with that, that beautiful 37 year old man has quite unknowingly unleashed the Chicken Apocalypse.

Now, let’s be frank for a moment. You can’t possibly reference Top Gun without talking about the Volleyball Scene. (You’ll need to pause “Anthem” for a moment to fully experience this)

Look, I don’t care if you’re male, female, a hermaphrodite, or some kind of neuter. Straight, homosexual, bi-sexual, tri-sexual or married to a Real Doll©, this scene makes everyone uncomfortable:

Wrong on every level

Affronts against humanity in this video for you to ponder:

  • The gratuitous “watch time is it?” check-my-watch-flex at :03 and :22
  • The WTF self-flex at :39
  • The “growl” at :56
  • The creepy man hug at 1:15

And of course, the utter horror of Kenny Loggin’s “Playing with the Boys” laid on top of the whole thing. You’re not alone if you feel a bit dirty and kind of hate yourself after watching that. If you didn’t, I’d be concerned.

So, let’s get back to the happy. This post is about wonderful and wholesome things, namely win #1 for the Chicken Apocalypse and loss #1 for the Anonymous Jets. So join me. Grab a box of tissues, fire off “Anthem”, and stare at the flying chicken. Anything to add Charlie Batch?

“This post is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been a part of!”

Charlie Batch Crying