I received a very odd phone call from the adversary earlier: (which is, of course, code for what follows is a complete fabrication)
The Adversary: Big Ben is healthy.
Me: Yeah I saw.
The Adversary: I’m in a South Beach recording studio with Ryan Tannehill.
Me: How did you get to Miami so quickly?
The Adversary: Really?
The Adversary: I need your opinion on something. Listen to this.
Ryan Tannehill: I was a fool to ever leave your side
The Adversary: Me minus you is such a lonely ride
Ryan Tannehill: That break-up we had has made me lonesome and sad
The Adversary: I realize I love you ‘cuz I want you back, hey-hey
Both: Reunited and it feels so good
Me: Please. Stop.
The Adversary: What did you think?
Me: What would you like me to say? I think I’m permanently impotent after hearing that.
The Adversary: Forget it. You know I don’t see a degree in music from university of Phoenix hanging on your wall.
Me: Well no, but, what?
That’s right, it took until week 14, but the Suckleague #1 pick of 2012 and his drafter are back together again! As exciting as that is, I can assure our reader(s) that the chances of a me / Brandon Weeden reconciliation are about zero. He’s just so damn immature and puts his friends’ needs over mine and he’s in love with his stupid car and, sorry, what was I talking about? Oh, this week’s matchup.
So beyond the oblivious QB / GM reunion, the adversary has once again enlisted Oakland’s “defense”, which should be a solid play. As of now (9ish EST) they look like the keystone cops for the most part, but have a fluke interception. The Chicken Apocalypse is rather pissed that Ryan Lindley (?) has been benched in favor of John Skelton (?), but is sticking with the Cardinals QB. Defensively, I’m going with Philadelphia. Traditionally Philadelphia is an ok defense, however the situation in meat-inundated-with-cheese-town has deteriorated into a soap opera where Andy Reid fires some random coach each week, one can only assume in anticipation of his own dismissal at the end of the season.
So let’s congratulate the adversary and Ryan Tannehill on their reconciliation and pretend we all think it will last. He does only hit you when he’s been drinking.