ALL WILL BE EXPLAINED by Blow Football

Written by TheAdversary on December 31st, 2012

I’m up way past my bedtime this evening after driving several hours and several hundred miles today and I haven’t taken a look at the Suckleague scoreboard, though I know the games’ results (none of which I could actually watch). Unfortunately I was looking at antique American art, decorative arts and furniture all day today–things just like “Blow Football,” I assure you. Ok, full disclosure: Blow Football isn’t even in the same galaxy. Sorry, Blow Football…I’m writing this on the toilet and this is neither the time nor the place to be untruthful.

I had only enough time to change my team’s name to the completely awesome and original Chicken Apocalypso. Sounds like the new Macarena, right??? We haven’t had enough juicy unattributed quotes from Anonymous Jets sources to make that team name relevant any longer–it’s all out in the open….but SOMEHOW Mark Sanchez got the starting nod this week for them after an entire season of futility. I was looking forward facing McLemore for another week. At various times this season I’ve thought that the Jets were trying to win our Suckleague. Guys, let me clue you in: YOU’RE REAL.

Tangential rant over. I also had time to switch out my team. So Thaddeus Lewis of the Cleveland Browns answered the bell for Chicken Calypso this week–for his first ever NFL start, against the Steelers. Sounds great–I couldn’t even find a picture of him with a head! The Kansas City Chiefs defense was there for the taking as well–they’ve been a bottomless, yet nutritious, pool of misery for us this year.

Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso has stormed back from a seemingly unassailable summit of glory to level the score through week 16. An incredible comeback of fantasy and gridiron ineptitude! What could happen! Brady Quinn vs. Thad Lewis! KC vs. Miami “defenses!” This is it, avert your eyes!

Here’s hoping: That the Apocalypso will perform a horribly cliche caribbean mango dance on the grave of the Apocalypse. That The Adversary will triumph over The Adversary’s Adversary. That The Adversary’s Adversary has considered this experiment a successful one–regardless of today’s outcome and despite The Adversary’s self-imposed and inadvertent exile (that’s an apology without saying “I’m sorry for not writing more”)–damn i just apologized. That a cheap copy of BLOW FOOTBALL surfaces on Craigslist. That 2013 sucks even harder, deeper, and longer than 2012. (We’ll have to work at it because this year was so awful, but with some Adderall, strawberry weight gainer shakes, a framed portrait of Romeo Crennel, and a bean burrito hidden in the glove compartment of a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron, we’ve got a chance to finish in the negative.)

Tomorrow morning before breakfast I’ll check the final scores. Until then, Happy New Year.
–Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso

 

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