January, 2013

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Swords and Malls

Monday, January 14th, 2013

I was walking through the mall the other day, and I happened to a pass a kiosk with a gentleman selling swords. And by sword, I mean a long blade made of durable metal capable of decapitating someone. The experience really triggered a sense of time for me. A sense of time as in, 2,013 years into the common era, what exactly is going on in your life that you would purchase a sword at the mall? You might retort, a history buff or someone who is an enthusiast in the evolution of weaponry, and I’ll partially give you that. I completely understand that some people buy swords. But I mean, who would literally make a sword purchase at the mall?

This instantly got me thinking about the legality of walking out of a mall with a freshly purchased sword. Again, being it’s not the year 1,130, I wondered how I would even get the thing home should I jump on this purchase in light of modern laws.

So I started researching public sword possession (said no one ever). In NY for example, don’t even try. However, I’ve lived in FL for the past 15 years, and if you follow any kind of news at all, Florida is a bit flexible when it comes to many, well most, things. I discovered the following:

790.10 Improper exhibition of dangerous weapons or firearms.–
If any person having or carrying any dirk, sword, sword cane, firearm, electric weapon or device, or other weapon shall, in the presence of one or more persons, exhibit the same in a rude, careless, angry, or threatening manner, not in necessary self-defense, the person so offending shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the first degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.

Let’s break this down a bit. If I’m reading this correctly, and that’s a massive if, I can wear a sword to Ikea. However, I can’t be rude if I choose to draw it.

So hypothetical.

  • I roll into my local GMC dealership all samurai’d out.
  • The salesman tries to convince me that color keyed mud guards are worth six hundred and ninety nine dollars ($699.00)
  • I draw my sword (?)
  • I then compare he or she to a mindless single celled organism, feeding on whatever decayed plant matter that happens to float by.
  • I’m now in violation of 790.10 and face up to a year in prison and a fine of $1000.

You know, that might be worth it…

All silliness aside, what an absurdly entertaining weekend of playoff football this was and I miss reverse fantasy football already.

Suckies are soon to come.

In the meantime, bask in this: Oldsmobile named one of their cars after a sword once.

Cutlass Ciera