September, 2013

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Week 6 in the books

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

Some points to the adversary’s points:

#1) Where on earth did you find a Torg Bjorkland selfie?

#4) You can poke fun at the counting thing all that you want, but it’s only funny until I get a handle on it which I no doubt will inevitably do. Tonight might just be that night….. 2, 1, 3, blastoff! (DAMMIT)

Whatever, here’s some mathology I am certain of: One of us finally scored into the negative, and it was truly yours at -10.20. Chad Henne was disgusting and Oakland’s defense was even worser (-3.20 and -7.00 respectively). I absolutely waylaid the adversary -10.2 to his positive 12.2. As satisfying as this is, I couldn’t be more pissed at Brian Hoyer. Let’s break this down:

Team fantastic (me):
Chad Henne -3.20
Oakland -7.00

Team broken condom laying behind a dumpster (the adversary):
Jacksonville -6.00
Brain Hoyer: 340.00

Clearly one of these things is not like the other. This could have easily been a record low scoring week and as much as I want the win, I would have much preferred Brian Hoyer live up to his name (Brian Hoyer). Look, the adversary’s picks were spot on, frankly better than mine, i.e., how in the fudge does Brian Hoyer throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns? If Brian Hoyer was Julia Roberts then the Vikings defense was the bald store manager kissing her ass because she has Richard Gere’s credit card. And wow that was the worst analogy I’ve ever put forward. If that analogy was a character from Inception, it would have been Mal. And all my analogies that aren’t that analogy would be Saito. Hmm.

Well, as expected tonight’s prose has catastrophically jumped off the tracks and plunged into the abyss. Where was I? (as if it matters at this point) Oh week 3 (DAMMIT 4).

I’m pulling the trigger on the Eagles defense, as Chip Kelly likes to keep them on the field for 54 minutes of every game. And for the moment I’m throwing my saddle on Carson Palmer as the Arizona offensive line is, well isn’t.

In closing, if this ending was a planet, it would be Pluto. And I’m out. In more ways that you can imagine.

- J

Week 3: the 2014 NFL Draft

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Well, looks like the Cleaveland Brownze have already thrown in the towel on this season so we may as well talk about who they’ll be drafting in the draft. I know I used the same word twice in the space of 4 words, it’s ok–no one’s going to notice because no one will actually read this.

In any case, Adam Schefter is reporting that the CLeaveland Broese (I’m not even going to bother correcting my poor typing when I write the name of the CLeve;ane Broewns) will likely select the relatively unknown quarterback out of Ikea University, Turd Bjorkland. If the Browsn can exceed all expectations and land the first pick of the 2014 draft, Turd would be quite a coup. He’s been dominating the bookcase and endtable field like no other quarterback in history, and as you can see by this IU file photo he undoubtedly he has the physique of a champion (architect). Black is very slimming.


Perhaps the BRewns are planning a redesign of their locker rooms, or they need some more sensible storage for their administrative offices. The possibilities are endless, and maybe they can write a discount on meatball platters with lingonberry jam into Turd’s contract.


So much to look forward to (shield our eyes from).

But back in this 2013 Suckleague season, we still have something to live for…but just barely.  Last week (week 2, for those of you that have trouble counting to 2), Andy Reid’s Navel (the team, not the actual navel) had a decent (horrid) week based mainly on the misfortune (fortune) of ARN’s adversary, the Adversary’s Adversary’s team 50 Shades of Flaccid. Initially ARN was disappointed to have missed the opportunity to select the Tampa Bay defense, but Christian Ponder and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense (“defense”) really came through (pooped the bed) for ARN.

So for week 3 (for those of you that have trouble remembering what comes after 2), even though the Jags somehow recorded 3 sacks and a fumble recovery–ARN is sticking with them. And we’ve also drafted with confidence (confidence) the current Clevensland BRowns quarterback, Brain Hoyer, who has ascended the throne (toilet) after the questionable (totally deserved) benching of Braylon Weenen. Should be a great (awful) performance against the stout Vikings defense.

Wait, HOLD ON A SECOND…Hoser has thrown two touchdowns through the mid-2nd quarter? My internet must be sending me junk data–I’m going to have to call Time Warner. I’m sure everything will straighten itself out and get better (descend the wheelchair ramp to futility) in the second half.

Cheers,
The Adversary (Bjorn Borg)

So there’s this

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

Keeping in mind that insanity has oft been defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, the Cleavland Browns just traded their first round draft choice from 2012 for a first round draft choice in 2014. OBVIOUSLY the Cleavland Browns will get it right this time. I am speechless.

Ikea 2 – The Quickening

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013

Do I milk Ikea for blog content? You bet I do. And frankly, can you recall anything not Ikea-related that you’d consider quality writing by yours truly on this site? The question is quite obviously, hardly worth answering. On to the photos of my recent visit. So there’s this guy:

Tord Bjorkland? No one can possibly be named this as it’s not pronounceable. I don’t care how close to the north pole you are born, your given name must comply with basic linguistics.

I took this picture as Ace of Base was being piped over the PA system. I know you can’t really get a sense of that from the picture, but if you’d like to start singing “I saw the sign” out loud, I don’t know many people that would hold that against you.

One thing you can never charge Ikea with is racism. Strange Swedish cabbage-patch-like dolls are a full 20% not Swedish.

Ok enough. Ekby Oxie? I’ll safely assume that when one has a baby in Sweden, it’s name is nothing more than a government mandated string of randomly generated letters. Despite all this, I departed triumphant:

That Hemnes end table now holds a prominent place at the end of my couch. It has up to this point successfully supported both a lamp and a beverage. At the same time. Heck yeah, bizzarishly scaled meatballs for the win.

Speaking of small meatballs and a lack of vowels (?), the adversary kind of kicked my ass last week. Between Jake Locker and Tampa’s defense, I scored almost 35 points in the positive. How the tandem of Jake Locker and the Buccaneer defense can combine for 35 points is the stuff of ABBA compilation albums, but I’ll give props to his cheap ass particle board lineup of Christian Ponder and the Jacksonville defense. Well done Bjorn Borg.

That said, Chad Henne faces Seattle and Oakland’s defense faces Peyton Manning. If that’s not a bucket of fermented herring I don’t know what is.

-J

Clean and Sober

Saturday, September 14th, 2013

So I spent the morning at the car dealership, more specifically, in the customer’s lounge of my local *brand withheld* dealership. At this particular *brand withheld* dealership (fine, Acura), they try to lessen the blow of spending Saturday morning in the customer’s lounge at a car dealership by providing a bottomless supply of cookies and coffee. While downing endless caffeine and sugar seemed like a fantastic idea at the time, I spent my afternoon throwing up into a bucket and sobbing into a curtain. Thankfully the DTs have passed to the point where I think I can type, so here we go.

As the adversary noted, week one is in the books. And what a stinking mess that was. Yahoo is not working for me at the moment as Marissa Mayer hates me (which is fine, I hate her as well) but if I recall correctly, I won week one something like 23 to 25 (Step 11 of the sugar-caffeine-withdrawal 12 step program is when you can piece together last week). I really remember both Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor scoring something like 15 or 20 points each, and that’s not good (good). Plus, as the Raiders play the only team worse than themselves this week (America’s team, the Jacksonville Jaguars), I can’t justify keeping Oakland’s defense either. So drastic measures are necessary. In a sense, by drafting all in on the Oakland Raiders, I have become the Oakland Raiders by screwing up my entire draft.

So week 2 is a fresh start, and I’ll get this one right. Meticulous studies with my research assistant (SHE’S NOT A BLOW UP DOLL, SHE’S A REALISTIC INTIMACY SIMULATOR) have yielded this significant information:

Man, it looks like Locker tore his ACL there, so I don’t see how he starts this week. Then again, I’m not, um, whoever the heck coaches the Tennessee Titans.

Defensively, I’ve jumped on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The same unit that allowed Geno Smith to excel now faces Drew Brees. I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that, but considering my morning, that could be for any number of reasons.

As he does with every draft class QB, John Gruden sat down with Jake Locker to play Pictionary:

Locker Pictionary

Come on John Gruden. That’s so clearly “Independence Day”, you fucking moron. (It’s after 10pm, F word usage approved)

Confused Gruden

John Gruden sucks at Pictionary. Also, where did the adversary find a picture of Andy Reid wantlingly caressing Desean Jackson’s ass? That’s vile dude.

Everyone is Mr. Irrelevant

Friday, September 13th, 2013

So the Suckleague draft took place online last week via email. Riveting. The only thing we have going for us is that the players we want will be available when we’re ready to draft. Also we had available to us a fine selection of fonts–but not too much choice as to be overwhelming. Though I would have appreciated a little Garamond Bold.

May I say that an email draft is something special to take part in sometime in your life–put it on your 100,000,000 things to do before you die list, somewhere around 99,999,998. Just before the “watch Mark Sanchez butt fumble 2 video” and “clean Andy Reid’s navel.”

Round 1. Geno Smith. There’s no way that the guy that probably could not beat out the Sanchize for a starting NFL job (see several previous posts; see also any google result set for “butt fumble”) would have a good week against the supposedly stout Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. However, no one told me that the Bucs would bring back their defense from the 1980s that lost 5,409 games in a row–leading Geno to post a decent week, which anyone could have done by going out there and breathing.

Round 2. Buffalo Bills defense: some injuries and a matchup against the supposedly high-powered New England offense spells trouble (mondo points). But NE looks anemic and they’ve got all these 3-year-old receivers more concerned with their toy trucks and diaper changes than actually CATCHING the ball. So Buffalo did ok too. We’re going to have to make some changes around here–these performances are just too good. Our fan demands more (futility).

The Adversary’s Adversary’s draft: Terrelle Pryor and the Oakland Raiders. I have to admit I’m fearful of the disaster potential residing in my opponent’s roster–going all-in with the Oakland Raiders is a bold, albeit completely logical, move because they are so amazing(ly terrible). Plus, owning an Oakland Raiders tie is on my bucket list, although I think if I actually wore it to work I’d be fired before I reached my desk.

On to Week 2, where I inexplicably dropped Geno in favor of Christian Ponder. I felt OK about it until the 4th quarter of Thursday night’s game when Geno threw 3 interceptions. Poppycock.

One thing left to do is come up with a name. I’m still thinking.

Best regards,
The Adversary

Fifty Shades of Impotence

Thursday, September 5th, 2013

Masochism. Utter masochism. I cannot come up with another reason any of the “players” on our collective roster wish to suit up this Sunday. With that, you’ve no doubt concluded the official 2013 Suckleague reverse fantasy football draft is in the books.

There is no way to sugarcoat it. This year’s draft is a train wreck.

I’m unable to find a smattering, nay, even a residue of hope on either of our rosters. (Sorry, I’ve recently been doing this thing where I pretend John Cleese is reading everything I write aloud. I’ll try and stop.) Anyway, you may well need some kind of counseling after seeing this lineup. Selecting first, me, as the adversary was gentlemanishly enough to allow me to select first this year.

I went with the Oakland raiders defense.

If you’ve been paying even mild attention you are no doubt marveling “You didn’t take Geno Smith first?” In all honesty, I just about had to tie my fingers behind my back to prevent G-E-N-O from forming, but I think my reasoning is sound — I do not believe Geno Smith’s NFL career will last more than 2 quarters. Now it will no doubt be the most memorable (terminal) 2 quarters of football I ever witness as I lay sobbing in my red room of pain living room.

And I didn’t stop there. I’ve gone all in, carrying the ashes of Al Davis proudly over my head, like an Olympic torch that requires two hands to hold up and is shaped like an urn. My quarterback? Tyrell effing Pryor. Ok, allow me to expound:

The Oakland Raiders. This is an organization that cut it’s 2013 4th round pick BEFORE THE SEASON STARTED. I don’t know that they’ve selected a player in the draft in the last 5 years that is still in the NFL. Rodger Godell cut up their credit cards as well – “The Raiders now have $32.9 million worth of dead money in 2013, which is 26.7 percent of the total salary cap.” Meaning, almost 30 percent of their salary cap is charged off against players they gave contracts to and later released. I couldn’t help but jump on this organization as whole. Oh then there’s this gem. Tyrell Pyror actually made this statement roughly 45 days ago:

“I never really knew how to throw a football before, It’s coming along. I’m getting way better.”

Wow. Yeah needless to say I’m feeling 50 shades of fantastic about my quarterback this year. Similarly, I want to shout the adversary’s picks from a high mountain. His roster is equally vile, but I’ll leave it to him to explain himself to the rest of the world.

And with that, pencils down, it’s on. “Fifty Shades of Flaccid” vs. (whatever the hell the adversary names his team).

Also – my favorite line of the draft – the adversary referring to his defense as “The endzone welcoming committee”.