Fifty Shades of Impotence

Written by SLAdmin on September 5th, 2013

Masochism. Utter masochism. I cannot come up with another reason any of the “players” on our collective roster wish to suit up this Sunday. With that, you’ve no doubt concluded the official 2013 Suckleague reverse fantasy football draft is in the books.

There is no way to sugarcoat it. This year’s draft is a train wreck.

I’m unable to find a smattering, nay, even a residue of hope on either of our rosters. (Sorry, I’ve recently been doing this thing where I pretend John Cleese is reading everything I write aloud. I’ll try and stop.) Anyway, you may well need some kind of counseling after seeing this lineup. Selecting first, me, as the adversary was gentlemanishly enough to allow me to select first this year.

I went with the Oakland raiders defense.

If you’ve been paying even mild attention you are no doubt marveling “You didn’t take Geno Smith first?” In all honesty, I just about had to tie my fingers behind my back to prevent G-E-N-O from forming, but I think my reasoning is sound — I do not believe Geno Smith’s NFL career will last more than 2 quarters. Now it will no doubt be the most memorable (terminal) 2 quarters of football I ever witness as I lay sobbing in my red room of pain living room.

And I didn’t stop there. I’ve gone all in, carrying the ashes of Al Davis proudly over my head, like an Olympic torch that requires two hands to hold up and is shaped like an urn. My quarterback? Tyrell effing Pryor. Ok, allow me to expound:

The Oakland Raiders. This is an organization that cut it’s 2013 4th round pick BEFORE THE SEASON STARTED. I don’t know that they’ve selected a player in the draft in the last 5 years that is still in the NFL. Rodger Godell cut up their credit cards as well – “The Raiders now have $32.9 million worth of dead money in 2013, which is 26.7 percent of the total salary cap.” Meaning, almost 30 percent of their salary cap is charged off against players they gave contracts to and later released. I couldn’t help but jump on this organization as whole. Oh then there’s this gem. Tyrell Pyror actually made this statement roughly 45 days ago:

“I never really knew how to throw a football before, It’s coming along. I’m getting way better.”

Wow. Yeah needless to say I’m feeling 50 shades of fantastic about my quarterback this year. Similarly, I want to shout the adversary’s picks from a high mountain. His roster is equally vile, but I’ll leave it to him to explain himself to the rest of the world.

And with that, pencils down, it’s on. “Fifty Shades of Flaccid” vs. (whatever the hell the adversary names his team).

Also – my favorite line of the draft – the adversary referring to his defense as “The endzone welcoming committee”.


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