Clean and Sober

Written by SLAdmin on September 14th, 2013

So I spent the morning at the car dealership, more specifically, in the customer’s lounge of my local *brand withheld* dealership. At this particular *brand withheld* dealership (fine, Acura), they try to lessen the blow of spending Saturday morning in the customer’s lounge at a car dealership by providing a bottomless supply of cookies and coffee. While downing endless caffeine and sugar seemed like a fantastic idea at the time, I spent my afternoon throwing up into a bucket and sobbing into a curtain. Thankfully the DTs have passed to the point where I think I can type, so here we go.

As the adversary noted, week one is in the books. And what a stinking mess that was. Yahoo is not working for me at the moment as Marissa Mayer hates me (which is fine, I hate her as well) but if I recall correctly, I won week one something like 23 to 25 (Step 11 of the sugar-caffeine-withdrawal 12 step program is when you can piece together last week). I really remember both Geno Smith and Terrelle Pryor scoring something like 15 or 20 points each, and that’s not good (good). Plus, as the Raiders play the only team worse than themselves this week (America’s team, the Jacksonville Jaguars), I can’t justify keeping Oakland’s defense either. So drastic measures are necessary. In a sense, by drafting all in on the Oakland Raiders, I have become the Oakland Raiders by screwing up my entire draft.

So week 2 is a fresh start, and I’ll get this one right. Meticulous studies with my research assistant (SHE’S NOT A BLOW UP DOLL, SHE’S A REALISTIC INTIMACY SIMULATOR) have yielded this significant information:

Man, it looks like Locker tore his ACL there, so I don’t see how he starts this week. Then again, I’m not, um, whoever the heck coaches the Tennessee Titans.

Defensively, I’ve jumped on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The same unit that allowed Geno Smith to excel now faces Drew Brees. I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that, but considering my morning, that could be for any number of reasons.

As he does with every draft class QB, John Gruden sat down with Jake Locker to play Pictionary:

Locker Pictionary

Come on John Gruden. That’s so clearly “Independence Day”, you fucking moron. (It’s after 10pm, F word usage approved)

Confused Gruden

John Gruden sucks at Pictionary. Also, where did the adversary find a picture of Andy Reid wantlingly caressing Desean Jackson’s ass? That’s vile dude.

 

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