October, 2013

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Buccaneers now offering MRSA to any player that requests it

Thursday, October 31st, 2013

Three Buccaneers have “officially” been stricken with MRSA this year – kicker Lawrence Tynes, guard Carl Nicks, and cornerback Johnthan Banks. Adding to the fire, it was reported this week that Davin Joseph is the fourth Buccaneers player to contract MRSA. Team officials were quick to deny it.

However, later in the day, general manager Mark Dominick came clean. “Of course, when the first cases of MRSA started to develop, we were trying our best to contain the outbreak and find the source of the infections. However, as the season wore on, I had more than one player ask if they could be infected as well.”

Treatment for MRSA typically involves hospitalization, with plenty of IV fluids and medications, and many Bucs players are starting to see the appeal of this. Faced with another 8 weeks of regular season games as a Buccaneer, rookie quarterback Mike Glennon commented, “Shit, most Sundays I wish I had MRSA. If the team is ready to offer it, I’ll be the first in line”.

Veteran receiver Vincent Jackson was quick to chime in, “Look, we’re 0-8. I’m a competitor, so as to 0-9, I love me some MRSA.”

Buccaneers Head trainer Todd Toriscelli expressed a real concern that the team would experience a shortage of MRSA in the following days. “We’ll try to keep up, but this is a bunch that wants MRSA more than anything.”

– J

Week 8, we were so close

Wednesday, October 30th, 2013

I had such high (rock bottom) hopes for this week and for the most part it was a reasonably putrid Sunday at Suckleague central. The adversary started strong (like a trailer hitch made out of balsa wood) with the Jags defense delivering a whopping -7.00 in what was no doubt an international good will clinic in what NOT to do if you’re the first city outside the United States planning to have an NFL team.

My stateside defensive unit, the Washington – we don’t hate American Indians (much) – was statistically ok and ended up being worth 7 points in the positive. But in reality they gave up 39 points, so I’ll join Tony Romo and claim a moral victory for starting them. As to my quarterback Kellen Clemens? He wanted it bad, posting a solid -4.74, netting 2 interceptions, 158 yards, and willing himself to be sacked 3 times.

However, this season’s truly ghastly week, the week in which all 4 of our players rise up (and fall down) still eludes us. This week’s poison pill? Jason Campbell. Wait, the Jason Campbell the Redskins drafted in 2005? (To our American Indian friends, my use of the R-word was inexcusable there, but understand I was merely stating historical fact). 300 yards and 2 touchdowns for a whopping 24.96 points.

As always, I’ll take the win (win), but I’m still looking forward to that week where it all comes together (the wheels catch fire and fall off). As I type this, I notice the adversary had grabbed the Vikings defense and, oh dear, Mike Glennon with his supporting cast of “Schiano’s job savers” as they face Seattle this week. In Seattle. Yikes.

As to the adversary, his typical mid-season behavior has returned. He gets a small taste of the power that comes with a Suckleague season and decides to engage on a world tour of debauchery consisting mainly of whores and cocaine. Yet again, once he gets that out of his system, I look forward to his posting again from time to time. Not that I find anything wrong with whores and cocaine.

So, even though I’ve yet to make my picks yet, I’m calling it. This is the week where it all comes together (becomes unglued like a GM side view mirror)

– J

Shahid Kahn moving Jaguars to London

Wednesday, October 30th, 2013

In a recent interview, former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Mark Brunell stated that the Jacksonville Jaguars moving to London is inevitable. He had this to say on ESPN’s Mike & Mike in the morning. “We have an owner in Shahid Khan that bought the soccer team over there and all indications are that we’re headed that way.”

In response, residents of London have started rioting. Disturbed citizens quickly took to Trafalgar Square. A police officer who asked to remain anonymous described the scene: “There was an angry noise. You could sense the tension. A building was on fire and officers on the ground were trying to sort out scuffles, linking arms and looking frightened. It was not a good situation. We were trying to push the crowd away, but they were so angry. So angry.”

Rioters anxiously tried to be heard, pleading with reporters on the scene. 16 year old Bridget Woods passionately stated, “The Jacksonville Jaguars? Every part of our lives as working class people is under attack. If Shahid Kahn thinks poor people don’t have a voice, he’s in for a rude awakening.”

Eye witnesses described a quickly deteriorating scene. “It was terrifying. I saw people on scaffolding throwing bits of wood at people,” said an unidentified middle aged woman. “It’s chaos. But I can’t say I’m unsympathetic. Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne? This is the kind of shit you’re trying to dump on England? We’re a proud people. Put that team in Pyongyang or Kabul and leave London out of this.” Overcome with emotion, she proceeded to hurl a brick at a police horse.

Prime Minister David Cameron insisted Wednesday that order would be restored. “We will do whatever is necessary to restore law and order onto our streets,” Cameron said in a somber televised statement. “Nothing is off the table. However if you think we’re going to sit by quietly and allow the London Jaguars to become a reality, I would remind you the United States is not the only country with a nuclear deterrent.”

We tried to reach Shahid Kahn directly for comment, however one of Blaine Gabbert’s errant passes knocked the transmitter out of our news van.

– J

Rex Ryan wants to remind you that the Jets are still good

Tuesday, October 29th, 2013

The Jets lost 49-9 to the Bengals of Cincinnati, but Rex Ryan wants you to focus on the positives. “We’re a much better team than that. We know we’re a better team than that.”

As Andy Dalton was able to throw for 325 yards and 5 touchdowns, Ryan predicted of the Jets’ upcoming match-up against Drew Brees and the Saints, “If we don’t play better pass defense than we did this past week, he’ll throw for 700 yards.”

I can’t recall ever being a bigger fan of Rex Ryan than I am right now.

Mark Sanchez however shares none of my goodwill, and described Rex Ryan as a “fat dick”.

Kansas City faces spontaneous ejaculation epidemic

Monday, October 28th, 2013

The CDC is working hard to contain a mysterious illness that is causing residents of Kansas City to experience symptoms of sexual orgasm without any kind of physical contact or warning. To date, over 500 cases of the mystery illness have been reported, and day by day trending indicates the situation is only getting worse. Reporters are scrambling to obtain as much information from locals as they can.

“I was walking down the street with this giant erection”, related 37 year old financial advisor Shane Moore, “then boom, I just came all over myself. I can’t explain it.” He then proceeded to pull out a giant foam glove stating that the Chiefs were #1 and waved it at the camera.

This appears to be not uncommon. 25 year old customer service rep Jennifer Brown related, “It’s too weird. I was sitting here typing away at my computer then BAM, I have a 30 minute orgasm and start screaming out names of deities.” She seemed genuinely disturbed, only able to continue after tapping the head of her Alex Smith booblehead precisely 4 times, (not 3, not 5, but 4). She then continued “I hope they figure this out sooner than later.”

Kansas City mayor Sylvester “Sly” James, Jr., speaking outside the Kansas City municipal building, petitioned the local residents for patience: “You are not alone, this is affecting all of us. I want you to know…. hang on…. yeah I just jizzed all over my pants. The Chiefs are 8-0″.

Our thoughts are certainly with the residents of Kansas City during this troubling time.

Suckleague Reverse Fantasy Football Pointless Observations Division Presents

Sunday, October 27th, 2013

Wes Welker, Danny Amendola, and Danny Woodhead would like to remind you that Tom Brady overwhelming prefers throwing to short white guys. And the majority of the time, Tom Brady prefers throwing the ball to short white guys named Danny.

So there’s that.

– J

Week 8 is brought to you by Jerry Jones

Saturday, October 26th, 2013

Here’s a picture of Jerry Jones. Because Jerry Jones would want it that way.

Here’s another picture of Jerry Jones.

I mean look at him, being all Jerry Jones sitting there, probably thinking about money. Or maybe buying something. Or even thinking about selling something and making money.

And there he is with some crazy hot gal. I don’t get to hang out with crazy hot women. You know who does? Uh, Jerry Jones. I enjoy myself thoroughly, but I wouldn’t mind being Jerry Jones either. You know who I’d hate to be? (** WARNING *** – The Large Hadron Terrible Segue Monitor has detected an anomaly. Unmanned drone dispatched to assassinate author). Oh shut up, it wasn’t that bad. Fine, it was. But you know who I’d hate to be? Jason Campbell, Kellen Clemens, the Washington Redskins defense, and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense. And Julian Assange.

I’m calling it (because we all know when I call something it has a 99% chance of not happening). Shut up parenthetical self, I’m calling it. This could be the worst (best) week of the year. Jason Campbell & Kellen Clemens? Piloting the Rams and Browns? Jaguars v 9ers and Washington v Denver? THIS IS THE WEEK, PERIOD. Jerry Jones, close this thing.

Sure enough, there’s Jerry Jones at the club, just Jerry Jonesing his face off. I can’t be certain, but I think that’s three (3) buttons he has open. THREE. You could not pull that off.

– J

The only one who will determine when Greg Schiano is fired is Greg Schiano

Friday, October 25th, 2013

Greg Schiano reaffirmed his commitment to righting the ship in Tampa earlier today. Responding to mounting fan sentiment that he should be fired, he had this to say via the Tampa Bay Times: “I have some say in how to fix it. The players have some say. The fans don’t. I understand their frustration totally. We’ve just got to give them a better product. That’s what it’s all about.”

He was subsequently asked for comment regarding the fact that he has recently landed the leading role as Christian Grey in the upcoming film “Fifty Shades of Grey”, and how that can possibly do anything but detract from his ability to function as an effective NFL coach. Schiano responded: “At the end of the day, these guys are busting their guts to do it. Why are we making a mistake? I always look first at myself.”

Meanwhile, E.L. James, author of the best-selling book “Fifty Shades of Grey,” is now not only confirming, but positively beaming over Greg Schiano’s casting as the new Christian Grey in the upcoming film adaptation:

“Stow your twitchy palms ladies… our man is here. Welcome to #TeamFifty @GregSchiano x,” she tweeted.

Schiano scored the role after Charlie Hunnam left the project earlier this month. Dakota Johnson, still signed on to play Anastasia Steele opposite Schiano, 23 years her senior, added “When you don’t win, there are consequences. He needs to get wins. I said it the other day. He’ll get his share of wins. I believe he will.”

Dakota Johnson seems to be in a growing minority of people who think that Greg Schiano hasn’t completely lost the locker room in southwest Florida.

Demonstrating what Schiano almost clinically referred to as his signature “boob tickling motion” served only to empty the room of reporters.

– J

Daniel Synder to Rename Redskins

Thursday, October 24th, 2013

Softening his previous stance where he in no uncertain terms stated: “We will never change the name of the team. As a lifelong Redskins fan, and I think that the Redskins fans understand the great tradition and what it’s all about and what it means…”, Daniel Snyder has apparently succumbed to pressure from both the mass media and several Native American activist groups and has agreed to rename the Washington Redskins beginning in the 2014 NFL season.

“As much as it pains me to say, 2013 will be the last year of the Washington Redskins name. Know that this change of heart did not come lightly. I have, after many thoughtful interactions with Oneida Nation and several other Native American groups, come to realize that Redskin is indeed a racial slur. I now recognize that it’s offensive, disparaging, and frankly a disgusting name. After several meetings with team officials, close friends, as well as my family and much conscious reflection, I completely understand that it’s time for a change. So in that spirit, as of August 1st, 2014, the NFL team that calls the District of Columbia it’s home will be known as the Washington Buffalo Jockeys.”

Snyder continued, “I feel like the new name really honors the Native American tradition while still poking fun at them, albeit in a much less offensive way. Sure, I considered the Washington Tee-Pee Squatters as well as the Washington Alcoholics, but I’m really trying to embrace this racial sensitivity nonsense.”

When pressed if he had considered simply naming the team without the intention of debasing Native Americans, Snyder responded “Why the hell would I do that?”

Peyton Manning is a terrible quarterback

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013

Fine he isn’t. He’s probably the best that’s ever played.

I’ll admit, like everyone else I’m to the point where I expect Peyton Manning to throw 6 touchdowns every week and that’s hardly a realistic expectation. That being said, WTF, PEYTON MANNING DID NOT THROW 6 TOUCHDOWNS THIS WEEK. Between his trivial 3 touchdowns AND an interception, the Colts defense racked up 2 fumble recoveries AND a safety, gaining me a hurtful 9.00 points.

Armed with Casey Keenum’s American Top 40 and the expectedly appalling Jacksonville defense, the adversary has won (won) the week. So he gets to drive the Suckleague reverse fantasy football taco truck for yet another week. Lucky bastard, I’m having cilantro withdrawals. On the bright side, Kellen Clemens (?) has gotten the call to start for the mighty Rams against the stout Seattle defense. He’ll have the full compliment of the Rams offensive weapons at his disposal like *** TODO: See if the Rams have any offensive weapons ***

I can’t say I have a clue what Kellen Clemens looks like and I just grabbed the first image that came back on Google, so here’s Kellen readying himself for Monday night.

Go get them.

- J