Several weeks ago, Rex Ryan had Mark Sanchez’s shoulder broken. This was, in retrospect, a brilliant move that has no doubt saved his job. I don’t claim to understand what’s happened since. It’s got the adversary doubting an ordered, purposeful universe and instead envisioning a world in which giant feline-canine hybrids have enslaved humanity to mine salt (something along those lines). Regardless, it’s time to admit it. Geno Smith truly does not suck. Amazing. Let me type that again (nm, just read it twice). Consequently, I find myself wanting to learn more about this intriguing man we know only as Rex Ryan.
So, before previewing this week’s septic runoff, I thought we could analyze Rex a bit more.
- Rex Ryan is 50 years old. (Wait, I’ll be 50 years old someday!).
- Rex Ryan can rock the bejesus out of a sweater vest:
- AND Rex Ryan can rock the living shit out of a dress shirt and ugly tie:
- Rex Ryan supports breast cancer awareness
- Rex Ryan thinks our government officials should stop being so inflexible and get back to work (I think the same thing!)
- Rex Ryan is a member of the only extant species of the primate family Hominidae (Son of a bitch, SO AM I!)
Sorry, that second one is actually Snake Plissken. You know, I’m highly heterosexual, but Snake Plissken looks damn good wielding that M-10, not giving a shit about your war OR your president. Indeed. So, where in the reverse fantasy football world was I? Ah, Rex Ryan.
(That one I kind of expected. Rex Ryan has titties.)
Ok, I’m in. Rex Lucifer Bin Laden Metta World Peace Ryan clearly warrants more consideration (May or may not be his actual middle name). From today on, I’m a Rex Ryan fan (just not of the stupid Jets).
So I managed a win this week somehow. The adversary’s Jaguars were horrific, as one would expect. However, as they played the Rams, Blaine Herbert Walker (nm) Gabbert did manage a TD pass. While the adversary posted an impressive -3.98, he couldn’t match my flat out awful combination of Carson Palmer (0.00) and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders (-8.00). Sorry, if you give up more than 50 points, I can’t in good conscience call you a defense.
As concerned as I was last week, this week is worst case scenario. The adversary possesses the Jaguars defense in what should be the most lopsided victory in the history of sport. As of this writing, Las Vegas has Denver favored by twenty eight (28) points. That ties the highest point spread of all time, set in 1966.
So no worries here. There hasn’t been a game predicted to go this badly by odds-makers – IN FORTY SEVEN YEARS.
You said it Rex.