The CDC is working hard to contain a mysterious illness that is causing residents of Kansas City to experience symptoms of sexual orgasm without any kind of physical contact or warning. To date, over 500 cases of the mystery illness have been reported, and day by day trending indicates the situation is only getting worse. Reporters are scrambling to obtain as much information from locals as they can.
“I was walking down the street with this giant erection”, related 37 year old financial advisor Shane Moore, “then boom, I just came all over myself. I can’t explain it.” He then proceeded to pull out a giant foam glove stating that the Chiefs were #1 and waved it at the camera.
This appears to be not uncommon. 25 year old customer service rep Jennifer Brown related, “It’s too weird. I was sitting here typing away at my computer then BAM, I have a 30 minute orgasm and start screaming out names of deities.” She seemed genuinely disturbed, only able to continue after tapping the head of her Alex Smith booblehead precisely 4 times, (not 3, not 5, but 4). She then continued “I hope they figure this out sooner than later.”
Kansas City mayor Sylvester “Sly” James, Jr., speaking outside the Kansas City municipal building, petitioned the local residents for patience: “You are not alone, this is affecting all of us. I want you to know…. hang on…. yeah I just jizzed all over my pants. The Chiefs are 8-0″.
Our thoughts are certainly with the residents of Kansas City during this troubling time.