Shahid Kahn moving Jaguars to London

Written by SLAdmin on October 30th, 2013

In a recent interview, former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Mark Brunell stated that the Jacksonville Jaguars moving to London is inevitable. He had this to say on ESPN’s Mike & Mike in the morning. “We have an owner in Shahid Khan that bought the soccer team over there and all indications are that we’re headed that way.”

In response, residents of London have started rioting. Disturbed citizens quickly took to Trafalgar Square. A police officer who asked to remain anonymous described the scene: “There was an angry noise. You could sense the tension. A building was on fire and officers on the ground were trying to sort out scuffles, linking arms and looking frightened. It was not a good situation. We were trying to push the crowd away, but they were so angry. So angry.”

Rioters anxiously tried to be heard, pleading with reporters on the scene. 16 year old Bridget Woods passionately stated, “The Jacksonville Jaguars? Every part of our lives as working class people is under attack. If Shahid Kahn thinks poor people don’t have a voice, he’s in for a rude awakening.”

Eye witnesses described a quickly deteriorating scene. “It was terrifying. I saw people on scaffolding throwing bits of wood at people,” said an unidentified middle aged woman. “It’s chaos. But I can’t say I’m unsympathetic. Blaine Gabbert and Chad Henne? This is the kind of shit you’re trying to dump on England? We’re a proud people. Put that team in Pyongyang or Kabul and leave London out of this.” Overcome with emotion, she proceeded to hurl a brick at a police horse.

Prime Minister David Cameron insisted Wednesday that order would be restored. “We will do whatever is necessary to restore law and order onto our streets,” Cameron said in a somber televised statement. “Nothing is off the table. However if you think we’re going to sit by quietly and allow the London Jaguars to become a reality, I would remind you the United States is not the only country with a nuclear deterrent.”

We tried to reach Shahid Kahn directly for comment, however one of Blaine Gabbert’s errant passes knocked the transmitter out of our news van.

– J


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