October, 2013

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A Game for the Ages (Pop Warner Edition)

Monday, October 21st, 2013

The Giants are looking to bounce back from a godawful 0-6 start. I see no reason to believe this will occur other than that they play the Vikings of Minnesota. Minnesota is hoping to build on their one (1) win by turning to Josh Freeman as quarterback.

Yeah, that will fix it.

Don’t forget I am a Tampa fan (shut up) in the social world and I know what Josh Freeman is capable of. Josh Freeman will play 4 competent games a year then utterly melt down during the other 12. But let’s not dwell on any potential positives. It’s bottomless Tums night at the Monday Night Football producer’s house. Most dependable call for this game is the Nielsen ratings will be in the negative.

Needless to say, tonight the surviving members of the 72 dolphins, are doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

Ok, what in the name of sweet baby Horus is that? They need a quarterback dude, not a Michael Jackson impersonator.

Whatever, shake your body down to the ground if that works for you.

- J

The House that Case Keenum Built

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

Apparently this individual was the adversary’s quarterback this afternoon and apparently this individual figured out how to throw a touchdown pass in an NFL football match. Knowing nothing about this (human male?), yes he’d have to be human if he’s playing in the NFL, I did some digging. As always, a google image search proves enlightening:

This evidence confirms Casey Kasum Keenum is indeed a quarterback (note the bit under his name), AND is also in fact a one-star quarterback. So there you have it. Whoever this is, the adversary is still sitting mildly pretty. The aforementioned QB yielded him a not super 6.42. However, the defense of the Jacksonville Jaguars netted him a dreadful 0.00.

So this could go either way. My reverse fantasy football piggy bank already contains $2.66 worth of points from Carson Palmer’s half-assed outing and an IOU from the Colts defense.

Today’s tangent: The Jets still suck. I don’t care how many games they win, they suck. That’s not a rational statement but it sure seems like it ought to be. End Tangent.

I leave this evening in the hands of Captain combover and Chris Collinsworth.

– J

Some people just get it

Friday, October 18th, 2013

This is an actual quote from Jared Allen earlier this week – ‘We got a chance to do something epic here, let’s embrace the suck, let’s embrace this and move forward”.

Jared Allen is my new favorite football player. Let’s follow his lead and really embrace the suck this and every weekend.

On that note, after throwing 2 interceptions, fumbling, then being sacked 7 times, Carson Palmer yet again managed a garbage touchdown and sits on the plus side at 2.66. Not exactly the start to the reverse fantasy football week I was hoping for, but I’m confident my defense of *UNDECIDED* will keep me in the mix. I’m only facing Jacksonville’s defense (NO!) and Ryan Fitzpatrick (NO!). It will be fine (NO IT WON’T, MAKE IT STOP!).

– J

Are Ya Car Keys In Your Khakis? (Say it out loud)

Thursday, October 17th, 2013

This weekend the New England Patriots will be without Jerod Mayo, Aqib Talib, and of course Vince Wolfork.
Uh oh…

But wait! Not uh oh….

I know, I know, one week he sucks, the next week he plays well, then he’s appalling, then he looks like he might be the Jets’ long term answer, then the next week he’s flat out repugnant. I guess the part of me that suspects Geno Smith really does suck refuses to die. Time will tell, but I’m calling it, the Pats have nothing to worry about this week.

Oh and I’m not buying it Brady. Need I remind you who your banging this evening?

Exactly. Like you’re in a bad mood ever.


The 12th man lives in Arizona

Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Carson Palmer has 11 interceptions thus far in 2013. After tonight, I’m hopeful it’s 621.
Man. What is up with that face? Quest for Fire called, they need some more extras.
Yeah I’ve got to update my references.

Rock, Paper, Tactical Nuclear Weapon

Tuesday, October 15th, 2013

So we’ve been talking a ton about Rex Ryan this year. I assume because he has a foot fetish and coaches the stupid Jets. And intentionally ended his QB’s season. And he probably has man-tits. And, so wait, no more Rex Ryan talk. He’s a priceless and valuable member of the human race that has the worst job on the planet. Right behind John Boehner’s publicist (Oh I did not).

So, the Denver / Jacksonville thing finally happened and yeah, no duh, I lost. But not the way I expected. The Jacksonville Jaguars defense did that thing where when you tell somebody they’re going to lose by an absurd margin because they’re that terrible, then they really get offended by that and find the will to not be that terrible. They actually put up a 2 (two). Of course 2.00 is horrific for a defense, but come on, this was the Jacksonbille (adversary, explain yourself) Jaguars facing the most potent offense you and I will see this year. The adversary scored -0.88 for the week, a very respectable reverse fantasy football number. What shocked me is my “defense” (the Browns of Cleaveland) scored a -3.00 all by themselves, besting the Jaguars defense in a week in which they were 28 point underdogs. The poison pill in my Swiss Miss was Carson Palmer (I hate when I say that in everyday conversation).

But, I tend to think Jacksonville blew their proverbial load (?) against Denver, and they will revert to even more horrific numbers as the weeks go on. It’s as if the adversary has shown up with an M-16, and I’m sitting across the table pointing a Furby with dead batteries at him. Put simply, I’m out gunned.

As I contemplate my picks this week, I will also consider how many shades of orange one man can achieve.

- Jeff

Rex Ryan is a Genius

Tuesday, October 8th, 2013

Several weeks ago, Rex Ryan had Mark Sanchez’s shoulder broken. This was, in retrospect, a brilliant move that has no doubt saved his job. I don’t claim to understand what’s happened since. It’s got the adversary doubting an ordered, purposeful universe and instead envisioning a world in which giant feline-canine hybrids have enslaved humanity to mine salt (something along those lines). Regardless, it’s time to admit it. Geno Smith truly does not suck. Amazing. Let me type that again (nm, just read it twice). Consequently, I find myself wanting to learn more about this intriguing man we know only as Rex Ryan.

So, before previewing this week’s septic runoff, I thought we could analyze Rex a bit more.

  • Rex Ryan is 50 years old. (Wait, I’ll be 50 years old someday!).
  • Rex Ryan can rock the bejesus out of a sweater vest:
  • AND Rex Ryan can rock the living shit out of a dress shirt and ugly tie:
  • Sorry, that second one is actually Snake Plissken. You know, I’m highly heterosexual, but Snake Plissken looks damn good wielding that M-10, not giving a shit about your war OR your president. Indeed. So, where in the reverse fantasy football world was I? Ah, Rex Ryan.

  • Rex Ryan supports breast cancer awareness
  • (That one I kind of expected. Rex Ryan has titties.)

  • Rex Ryan thinks our government officials should stop being so inflexible and get back to work (I think the same thing!)
  • Rex Ryan is a member of the only extant species of the primate family Hominidae (Son of a bitch, SO AM I!)
  • Ok, I’m in. Rex Lucifer Bin Laden Metta World Peace Ryan clearly warrants more consideration (May or may not be his actual middle name). From today on, I’m a Rex Ryan fan (just not of the stupid Jets).

    So I managed a win this week somehow. The adversary’s Jaguars were horrific, as one would expect. However, as they played the Rams, Blaine Herbert Walker (nm) Gabbert did manage a TD pass. While the adversary posted an impressive -3.98, he couldn’t match my flat out awful combination of Carson Palmer (0.00) and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders (-8.00). Sorry, if you give up more than 50 points, I can’t in good conscience call you a defense.

    As concerned as I was last week, this week is worst case scenario. The adversary possesses the Jaguars defense in what should be the most lopsided victory in the history of sport. As of this writing, Las Vegas has Denver favored by twenty eight (28) points. That ties the highest point spread of all time, set in 1966.

    So no worries here. There hasn’t been a game predicted to go this badly by odds-makers – IN FORTY SEVEN YEARS.

    You said it Rex.

    - J

Time to Panic

Thursday, October 3rd, 2013

You know, you grow up thinking, sure, sometimes things will get weird, but, dang it, this is America (6 commas in that sentence. The University of Phoenix just revoked my A.S. in literary scientogrophy). No matter how hard things seem, we always come out on top. This is a nation that wins. I mean we took out Hitler AND Bin Laden. Can Portugal claim that? I doubt it.

However, I can’t lie. After this week, I’m no longer sure about anything. I’m really not sure that things can just go on from here. And the scary thing is, I don’t even know how it happened. I’ve gone over a seemingly infinite number of hypotheticals, and I can’t see a solution. Progress isn’t even possible. It’s the worst case scenario and I’m not sure there’s a way out.

The adversary has the Jacksonville Jaguars on both sides of the ball.

Title revision – it is clearly time to panic. Suckleague reverse fantasy football is built on the foundation that you always have a chance each and every week. While I still believe that, right now, it’s a bunch of crap. Until Jacksonville has a bye week, I’m not winning a game. The only team even close to the Jaguars level of horrid is Tampa and they’re off this week. I’m seemingly done for.

But you know what? I’ll keep fighting. Just like this great nation, I’m not going anywhere. The defense of Dallas and the offense of Carson Palmer being my only hope, I do hereby affirm to you, as long as the government of this great country is functioning, I SHALL NOT GIVE UP HOPE.

Wait, what?