November, 2013

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Jacksonville Florida has run out of medication

Saturday, November 30th, 2013

First things first. Your reverse fantasy football HQ results from week 12 saw me beat the adversary with a brutal (tender) combination of Jason Campbell and the Washington Racists Redskins defense. I didn’t see the game, but I’ve heard at least one report claiming that Jason Campbell gave himself a concussion as a result of getting hit in the head by one of his misfired balls. As to the adversary, I can’t confirm at this point, but he’s either dead or just utterly committed to sticking with Jacksonville on both sides of the ball until the wheels fall off (Of course I hope it’s the latter). Speaking of Jacksonville.

You know I currently reside in Florida. I’ve been to Jacksonville several times. I like Jacksonville. It’s a good looking city and there’s actually quite a bit to do. Plus Amelia Island is right next door. However the residents of Jacksonville have apparently descended into complete madness. I make none of this up:

The City of Jacksonville is organizing a tailgate party for this Thursday night. What follows are actual quotes from a Jacksonville news site.

  • Mayor Alvin Brown said, “Night games are always exciting for Jacksonville. We are a football city that’s always ready for a big game.”
  • “We can’t emphasize enough how important a packed stadium is to us. We have been very impressed with the support that the fans have showed us throughout the season,” said Coach Gus Bradley.
  • “Families are encouraged to bring the kids to the interactive Kids Zone, and anyone with a game ticket will have free access to the Bud Light Beer Garden. The Beer Garden will offer free beer tastings accompanied by games such as the Army / Navy Outdoor Shooting Gallery. More adventurous fans can ride a mechanical bull.” – The Jacksonville Daily Record.

So, let me get all this straight. 5,500 people apparently now counts as a packed stadium in a “football city”. Said “football city” would like me to bring my hypothetical children to an outdoor venue where I will drink copious amounts of Bud Light and engage in small arms fire. Oh and there’s a mechanical bull if that gets boring.

You know, that actually sounds a lot better than what I’m doing tonight. Ok Jacksonville, I’m a fan again – go Jags.

– J

Darren McFadden expected to make second NFL start on Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 27th, 2013

The Oakland Raiders website is reporting that Darren McFadden is healthy enough to make his second NFL start since being drafted by the team 4th overall in the 2008 draft. His first start that year ended with him suffering a sprained shoulder. McFadden expressed expected enthusiasm via twitter:

@TheRealDMC: This is #HUGE, time to finally show everyone what I can do and justify everyone’s faith in me. I’m finally over the turf toe, concussion,

@TheRealDMC: torn meniscus, pulled hamstring, sprained ankle, fractured orbital bone, lisfranc sprain, high ankle sprain, bruised elbow,

@TheRealDMC: torn bicep, herniated disk, calf sprain, quad bruise, broken thumb, groin pull, iliotibial band syndrome, torn rotator cuff,

@TheRealDMC: dislocated shoulder, neck stinger, shin splints, achilles tear, tendonitis, torn ACL, torn MCL, torn PCL, heel spurs,

@TheRealDMC: bursitis, hip pointer, the flu, sprained wrist, and fractured clavicle.

@TheRealDMC: #RAIDERNATION #HEREICOME

–J

Browns looking at Stephen Hawking to fill QB void

Monday, November 25th, 2013

The Cleveland Browns are literally running out of quarterbacks. After Jason Campbell suffered head trauma in Sunday’s game against Pittsburgh, Cleveland is down to a single healthy quarterback left on its roster, Brandon Weeden. With no one available to promote from the practice squad, the team is reportedly bringing in Stephen Hawking for a look.

“Look, Brian Hoyer is out for the season and Campbell is likely headed in that direction. And honestly, with our offensive line, this isn’t going to get any better.”, explained head coach Rob Chudzinski. The problem appears real, with even the most desperate out of work quarterbacks hesitant to join the club.

“Guys are starting to figure out that playing quarterback in Cleveland involves the genuine possibility of dying on the field, or at the very least ending up in a wheelchair. We think it’s time to just get the first part out of the way, so Dr. Hawking could be a great fit.”

When asked about Hawking’s obvious lack of football or frankly any athletic experience, Chudzinski retorted, “He may not be able to talk without the help of a computer, but come on. The man has radiation named after him. I think he can figure out the Steelers defensive scheme.”

“I’m not sure I could sack Stephen Hawking, I’d feel bad.” remarked Ravens linebacker Elvis Dumervil, whose squad would have to face Hawking twice a year.

“That’s what we’re counting on.”, continued Chudzinski, “There’s a sympathy factor as well. Would you want to be known as the guy that knocked over Steven Hawking’s wheelchair? I don’t think so.”

– J

The Factory of Sadness

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

The unfortunate and ill-timed fact that I’m an adult with things like responsibilities prevented me from waiting in line to purchase an XBox One at midnight on Friday.

So, as I sit here endlessly spamming “F5″ at BestBuy.com, each time greeted by the grayed out button that reads “not in stock”, I can appreciate to some extent what it’s like to be a Cleavland Browns fan. Best Buy has no Xbox Ones. Yet I keep returning to their website thinking that I”ll somehow outsmart the Internet and snag myself some holiday joy. Similarly, Cleavland has no chance of winning most weeks, yet Browns fans keep returning to FirstEnergy stadium. I’ve never felt so in touch with Cleveland, Ohio (?)

Speaking of holiday sadness, Matt McGloin scored me 26.24 points last week. IN THE POSITIVE. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO MATT MCGLOIN IS. Needless to say, I lost week 11.

The adversary and I are yet again but 1 game apart. He’s all in on the Jacksonville wounded kittens. I am staying with the Washington Racists Redskins on defense and I unite with my sadness factory brethren by starting Jason Campbell.

You know who could have stood in line until midnight last night with no adverse lifestyle effects at all? Tim Couch, Brian Hoyer, and Brandon Weeden. Way to not do me a solid guys. Oh well, guess it’s another round of River Raid until football starts.

– J

Tony Dungy, Derrick Brooks, and Vince Young among Hall of Fame semifinalists

Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Former player and coach Tony Dungy, linebacker Derrick Brooks, and unemployed quarterback Vince Young have been announced as first-time semifinalists for the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2014.

Dungy, who last coached in 2008 and was the Vikings’ defensive coordinator from 1992-95, is one of four first-year eligible candidates. He led the Colts to a victory in Super Bowl XLI.

Brooks played 14 years for the Buccaneers and is widely considered one of the best players in franchise history and one of the best linebackers in NFL history. From 1995 to 2008, Brooks started 221 of 224 games, recording 1,698 tackles, 13.5 sacks, 25 interceptions, and six touchdowns.

Vince Young has has been fired by 4 different teams and is currently seeking a role as a backup or practice squad quarterback for any NFL organization. It’s widely believed that a computer glitch is to blame for his name even showing up on the ballot at all.

“Hopefully it helps get my foot back in the door” explained Young via his cell phone from his Houston home. “I’m just looking forward to playing again and doing all I can to justify my nomination into the NFL hall of fame.”

–J

Rex Ryan defends team outing at Dave and Busters

Tuesday, November 19th, 2013

Many in the media have been critical of Rex Ryan’s decision to take his entire team to the Buffalo Dave and Buster’s the night before the Jets’ 37-14 trouncing by the Bills in week 11. Several Buffalo Bills players even called it “disrespectful”.

Ryan however defended the decision, saying it wasn’t meant to be disrespectful. “I don’t know why that’s added motivation (for the Bills). We do different things when we’re on the road,” Ryan said. “We went out as a team, so that’s what we did. I just try to build some camaraderie.”

But several sources are reporting there was a bit more to it.

“Look, he’s my coach but come on,”, said a distraught Geno Smith, “a pretzel dog eating contest the night before a game is a really bad idea. I think I threw up 5 times during warm ups.”

Center Nick Mangold was equally critical, “It was ridiculous. They can call it a “skinny margarita”, but they get you just as drunk. I’m pretty sure I slapped Mark Sanchez at one point.”

Ryan however, stood by his choice, “If guys can’t hang, then you don’t belong on my team. And yeah I won. I’m the coach, the alpha male. I ate more pretzel dogs than any of those sissies and then I downed a plate of steak Alfredo just to rub it in. Playing hungover builds character Sally.”

– J

Titans taking a second look at John Skelton

Monday, November 18th, 2013

With Jake Locker out for the season, the Titans are bringing John Skelton back for a second visit. Currently, the only active quarterbacks on the Titan’s roster are Rusty Smith and Ryan Fitzpatrick, so it’s no surprise they are looking to add more depth. Titans coach Mike Munchak explained, “We had Skelton in for a look last week and we brought him in for a second look earlier today.”

When asked how those visits went, Munchak replied “Pretty well. When we first looked at John Skelton, I kind of thought he looked like that Finn kid from Glee, the one who died recently. However after today, both myself and the rest of the coaching staff seem to be forming a consensus that he looks like Ben Affleck. He’s really tall as well.”

When asked if the organization was close to signing Skelton, Munchak replied “Oh dear god no. Have you never seen him play?”

– J

How?

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

Henne and McGloin each have a TD pass already.

No I’m not drunk.

– J

All your base are belong to, uh, Matt McGloin

Saturday, November 16th, 2013

There’s few things as special in the reverse fantasy football universe as never having heard of your starting quarterback. As that’s the case this week, I’ve decided to do a bit more than just mock the way his name sounds, and get to know my field general du jour a bit further.

Matthew James McGloin was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania in 1983 and attended Penn State University. Ok, who cares. I tried. His name sounds like a seasonal loose meat sandwich. The McGloin is back, for limited a time (until we run out of tripe).

So I won (won) again this week. We’re actually seeing some disparity this year at Suckleague HQ. Ever since what’s his name singed on at the beginning of last season, we’ve been disturbingly close (in points scored). However this week I find myself up 2 games. Another win this week and dare I say time to panic Mr. Sary?

The war, as they say, rages on.

Henne. McGloin.

Make us proud sons.

– J

Stevie Johnson ruled out

Friday, November 15th, 2013

The Bills have declared wide receiver Stevie Johnson out of Sunday’s game against the Jets, the club’s official Twitter feed said.

According to multiple sources, Johnson missed practice on Friday after missing the previous two days. All indications are that Stevie Johnson thinks the Bills suck and he’d rather spend time at home.

– J