November, 2013

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Jacksonville Jaguars to get new scoreboards

Thursday, November 14th, 2013

After a long exhaustive fight, the Jacksonville city council finally approved $63 million in funding to be used to construct new scoreboards. They reportedly will be the world’s largest.

“It was a hard sell”, said team president Mark Lamping, “How do you justify spending that much on something that’s almost never used?”

Indeed, Jacksonville city officials had suggested alternatives like “a large chalkboard” or “maybe one of those playground abacus thingies”. Councilwoman Lyndsey Parker added “This drain on city funding is unjustified. How many points do they have for the entire season? 9? Look, Most games they have 0 or 3 points, can’t people just remember?”

Regardless, the team is celebrating one of its few victories. “Everyone who attends an event at EverBank Field is going to fall in love with these improvements,” Lamping continued, “We owe our fans nothing less than the very best in-stadium experience. This up-to-date stadium technology will give fans the best in video quality, so they can watch any game that’s not the one on the field being played by the Jaguars with stunning clarity. This will really create a personality for EverBank Field which is distinctly Jacksonville.”

– J

Vernon Davis to miss week 24 with a concussion

Tuesday, November 12th, 2013

49ers tight end Vernon Davis suffered concussion like symptoms in Sunday’s loss to the Carolina Panthers, and he’s reporting he’ll definitely miss some time.

“Yeah, docs won’t clear me, so I’ll be sitting week 24. Shame, I just want to get back out on the field. But let’s make that medium rare and can I get broccoli instead of mashed potato? Thanks.”

He’ll certainly be missed in this week’s match up with New Orleans. Asked about his team’s chances against the Saints he responded “Oh man. I can haz win? Shit.”

When pressed that he might still be experiencing symptoms of a concussion, Vernon Davis responded “Let me ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to god that their wife doesn’t miscarry, or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death, or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trauma from post-operative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Let me tell you something – I am god.”

His twitter account offered little insight: @TheRealVernonDavis #LoveMeSomePudding

–J

Jaguars figure out a way to win – don’t use a quarterback

Monday, November 11th, 2013

One wonders why Gus Bradley didn’t think of it sooner. The elated Jacksonville Jaguars head coach said after his teams’ unexpected win Sunday, “It kind of just came to me all of a sudden around 10 o’clock this morning after watching some game film for the third or fourth time. Our chances of winning are much better if we don’t use a quarterback. At all. So I just sent them home.”

“It’s definitely exciting for us. We treated this week one game at a time and kind of like a new season. We are really excited for Gus.”, Jaguars quarterback Chad Henne said when we tracked him down at the Jacksonville Home Depot, his cart filled with several bags of no-float mulch.

“To have the ability to stay the course, stay true to who we are and come out and execute the way we did is an awesome deal and an awesome feeling for our guys.”, Blaine Gabbert added from a local area Best Buy, “I’m fairly certain this Kindle Fire HD would work for me, but that Retina iPad mini sounds really good too. I just wish it was out already.”

Ricky Stanzi, the third string quarterback was equally vocal. “Did we play this week?”, seemingly undistracted from his test drive of the new Nissan Altima.

While the Jaguars will no doubt still have a high pick in the 2014 draft, it’s now widely expected they will not select a quarterback. In any round. Ever again.

– J

Week 9 – YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

Friday, November 8th, 2013

Item 1 – My starting QB this week was someone named Jeff Tool. I’m fully aware that sounds like I’m making it up, but I’m quite serious. Shockingly, this person was good for 8.88 points.

Item 2 – My starting defense this week a unit named the Tampa Bay Math Club. They played the Seattle Seahawks and naturally were good for 8.00 points.

Item 3 – The adversary started Mike Glennon, who was naturally good for 19.06 freaking points.

Um, attention NFL….

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Great, I beat the adversary 16 to 24. There’s an accomplishment in reverse fantasy football. At this point I’m not even enthused about winning. I DEMAND SOME NEGATIVE POINTS.

This week, I am NOT calling it: Kellen Clemens and the San Diego Chargers defense will blaze a path of repulsive and lead me below zero. I am so not calling it.

– J

Falcons, Steelers, and Raiders also claiming Kubiak collapse caused loss

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

Several members of the Houston Texans related that the halftime collapse of coach Gary Kubiak was indeed a distraction and ultimately led to their 27-24 Sunday night loss against the Indianapolis colts. Now several players from other teams have admitted the same.

“It’s on you’re mind when you’re out there playing,” Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan reported, “But you try to focus on the game and just go out and do your job. We were just too distracted to get it done.”

Raiders cornerback Mike Jenkins was candid, “Affected us? Of course it affected us. Kubiak goes down and then boom, Nick Foles throws 7 touchdown passes against us. I just hope Kubes is ok, but no way we were winning after that.”

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger reported a disorienting scene, “I just heard everybody screaming, ‘trainer, trainer.” Word kind of travels and it got to me when I was already in the locker room. They said it was Houston Texans Coach Kubiak passed out and stuff. It was definitely tough for us. It was without question the reason we lost.”

When asked to comment on the fact that the Texans game was played Sunday night, hours after their teams had lost, both Ryan and Jenkins just stared blankly at the camera while Ben Roethlisberger suddenly collapsed and claimed he was having a minor stroke.

– J

Tampa Bay Buccaneers thrilled to be 8-0 with moral victories

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

The Buccaneers once again played their hearts out on Sunday against the Seattle Seahawks, and the best effort they could muster wasn’t enough to win an NFL game. However they are a perfect 8-0 on the season when it comes to moral victories.

“This is huge, I mean man, for us to come out here and play our butts off and show our support for coach Schiano, and just miss the win, it’s special”, explained Buccaneers running back Mike James with a big smile on his face, “This is a team moral win”.

“It felt awesome”, exclaimed a bright eyed Greg Schiano, “This is huge moral win for these guys and well deserved. There’s a lot of good things that will show up on the tape. Morally running the ball, morally stopping the run. Once we calmed down, the defense was morally outstanding. This is a signature moral win.”

The sentiment from Seattle was understandably not as positive. “I mean sure, we’re 8-1 and we won a close game and first in our division and all that, but it just feels kind of empty. You’ve got to morally hand it to them”, said a despondent Richard Sherman. “This will sting for a bit.”

“It’s shocking to me,” Pete Carroll added. “I thought we were way better than this morally, but clearly not. It’s something we’ll work on this week.”

– J

Who?

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

Is this for real? And yes of course I started him.

–J

NFL Flex-Scheduling Tampa / Miami game

Saturday, November 2nd, 2013

The NFL has announced that the Week 10 Dolphins-Buccaneers game scheduled to be played on Monday night, Nov. 11 has been chosen as the first flex-scheduled game of the year. The NFL will instead be showing an episode of The Good Wife.

“We understand that some games look good at the beginning of the season, but lose some of their meaning as the season wears on. That’s why we created the flex-schedule to begin with”, explained Roger Goodell. “We have every confidence that repeating an episode of The Good Wife from 3 weeks ago will draw vastly better ratings than a Tampa / Miami game. We just want to keep the fans happy.”

Local TGIFridays owner Charles Shepard responded to the news, “Wow, that’s a relief. At least we’ll get some Monday night business now. I was just going to close up after lunch.”

The Dolphins-Buccaneers game will still be played, flexed into the Tuesday 4:25 a.m. slot on BRAVO.

– J