December, 2013

...now browsing by month

 

Jim Schwartz denies insulting Detroit fans

Friday, December 27th, 2013

As overtime approached in Sunday’s matchup against the Giants, the fans in Detroit became vocal. After the Giants won in overtime, head coach Jim Schwartz denied exchanging words with the crowd.

“I wasn’t addressing the crowd,” Schwartz said, “I was just trying to get our team fired up. I mean, I did tell the guy in B202 that I slept with his wife the evening prior, but that didn’t affect the outcome of the game.”

Schwartz admitted he was aware of all the booing.

“I mean I was disappointed to hear boos. We were getting ready to go to overtime right there. Is that the reason I related to the gentleman in A141 that his level of intelligence was comparable to that of a small monkey with a venereal disease? No, I don’t think so.”

When pressed about his reaction to the Detroit fans, Schwartz replied, “Our crowd is great for us, and they support us. I thought our team needed a lift right there. We didn’t need to feel bad at that point. As to the young lady in C106, look I strongly believe her mother should have had an abortion. At the very least, let’s get an apology from the condom factory.”

– J

T.J. Ward admitted to local area hospital

Wednesday, December 25th, 2013

The Browns will conclude their season this Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers and they’ll do so without the services of soon to be free agent safety T.J. Ward. Ward has had an outstanding season, leading the team in tackles. He’s also reached the end zone twice and is clearly a bright spot on an otherwise unremarkable Cleveland Browns team.

However, he is spending his holiday in a local area hospital. NFL officials first became concerned upon reading Ward’s recent comments in the Cleveland Plain Dealer: “I definitely want to be back. I like my team. I love my teammates. I love being in this city. I love the organization. We haven’t had many wins, but I think we’re building something here, and I think it’s being built the right way.”

The NFL contracts with countless independent medical doctors and many were quick to raise a red flag upon being made aware of Ward’s comments: “I’ve seen this too many times to ignore it”, remarked Dr. Steven Weeks, a concussion specialist, “Mr. Ward has lost the ability to separate fantasy from reality.”

Several other doctors responded to our request for comment: “It’s beyond any doubt, the man is clearly bat shit insane at this point “, added psychologist Emery Stevens. “Expressing a desire to remain in Cleveland is damming enough, but couple that with the delusion that the Browns are ‘building for the future’ and, well, Mr. Ward has lost all grip on reality. There was a time when we’d lobotomize people like this.”

Behavioral specialist and professor of Clinical Psychiatry at the University of Manchester, Dr. Niles Graham tried to put the situation into perspective. “Look, I’ve cured drug addicts. I’ve rescued patients from the depths of religious cults. But expressing a desire to remain in Cleveland, Ohio? If a human being has hit that point, I’m not sure treatment is possible.”

–J

Texans sign TE Brad Smelley to their active roster

Thursday, December 19th, 2013

The Texans looked to add some depth to their tight end corps by promoting Brad Smelley to the active roster last Friday. It’s good news for Smelley who was recently let go by the Browns. Team reaction was mostly positive.

DeAndre Hopkins said, “There’s a guy named Smelly on our practice squad? Sure there is. He must be Poopy McCraperson’s roomate.”

It’s quite an uplifting story for the Alabama native who was drafted by the Cleveland Browns in the 7th round only recently to find himself unemployed. The Tuscaloosa native actually played quarterback in high school, so making an NFL active roster as a tight end really speaks to his physical ability as well as his motivation and work ethic.

JJ Watts added, “His last name is Smelly? What’s his first name, Dickhole?”.

Interim head coach Wade Phillips, who has final say in all personnel decisions, had this to say about his newly promoted tight end, “I’m exited about Smelly. He’s a smart player and a great motivator. I threw my lunch tray at him earlier today.”

–J

Riley Cooper wants to stay in Philly

Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

Before the 2013 season began, there appeared to a be a strong possibility that Riley Cooper would not be a member of the Philadelphia Eagles for the 2013 season. Shortly after the release of a video in which Cooper used racist language at a concert (he had threatened to “Fight every ni**er in here” after being denied access backstage), he had to cope with disgruntled teammates and team officials, as well as the press, before returning to work. Since, he’s been a seemingly model citizen and quite a productive member of the Eagles offense.

Stat wise, he’s caught 37 passes for 714 yards. He also has seven touchdowns on the year and has been a favorite target of Nick Foles. While Cooper is set to be a free agent after the season, he’s indicated he wants to remain with the Eagles.

“I want to be back here,” Cooper told the Philadelphia Inquirer. “Everyone around here knows that I love the scheme. I think I fit in it well with the bubble screens and the stuff that we do with blocking and being a bigger guy and a bigger target. This is one group of darkies I want to spend the next few years with.”

Chip Kelly has done some creative things with the Eagles offense, and Cooper’s play has proven he could be a long term piece of the puzzle in Philadelphia.

“There’s other groups of coloreds I could go play with, but I’ve never been happier. Given the choice, I like this group of overwhelmingly black men the best.”

– J

Mike Shanahan to sit entire team for the remainder of the season

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Following his decision to sit Robert Griffin III for the remainder of the season to allow his knee to get fully healthy for 2014, Mike Shanahan earlier this afternoon announced he will be shutting down the rest of the Washington Redskins so they can heal up and get ready for next year.

“Look, these guys are really banged up. Frankly I should have pulled the plug sooner. This is the right call.”

When queried further as to why no one has heard any of this before, and nothing at all has shown up on the team injury report, Shanahan, now coming off a bit defensive, responded “Look, I’m the head coach. Trust me, these guys are all horribly injured, every one of them. So I’m trying to do what’s best for this organization. You don’t have to like it, the players certainly don’t like it, but these guys are just very, very, very, very, highly hurt. And really, if we don’t win anymore games, it’s cause everybody’s just very ill, so you know, don’t look at me. ”

Pressed for any reasonable explanation for his decision, Shanahan continued, “Everyone is completely hurt. These guys are simply not well, non-healthy and un-normal. This is just the right thing to do. There’s no point in even trying to win. Any coach, certainly not just me, but any coach whatsoever, from any league, really any sport would simply be unable to get players this utterly and blatantly wounded, ill, afflicted, and diseased to win, let alone even finish an NFL game. So certainly no one in their right mind could blame any coach of this team, really anyone, say me for example, for not winning anymore games. This is a debilitated bunch of human beings and they need rest, like a year of it.”

– J

Ron Rivera is a Terminator

Monday, December 9th, 2013

Several sources are reporting exactly what most of us have suspected for a while, that Carolina Panthers head coach Ron Rivera is in fact a T-800 Cyberdyne Series Model 101 Terminator, sent from the future to eliminate the eventual leader of the human resistance against the machines.

Reaction has been mostly muted. “I knew it” said defensive coordinator Sean McDermott, “that’s so clearly living tissue surrounding a metal endoskeleton.”

Rivera has the Panthers on quite a run this season, leading the team to 8 wins in their last 9 games. He’s gaining support in Carolina as the long term answer at head coach, while underneath being a hyper-alloy combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled, fully armored, and very tough. But outside, living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood – grown for the cyborgs, and developing quite a following as a fan favorite.

“Look, I may be here to hunt down and kill John Conner, but I’m also focused on winning games. Anyone who thinks those 2 mission parameters can’t co-exist is not a true Panther fan.” said a determined Rivera.

“It can make for some animated half-time meetings”, admitted quarterback Cam Newton. “One time we were down by 21 and he punched a hole in the white board and ended up punching right through the concrete wall into the shower. I’ve never seen anything like it. Steve Smith was all like, he was probably on PCP – broke every bone in his hand and wouldn’t feel it for hours. But I was like, no way man, that s**t just happened.”

Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon has been planning a Ron Rivera day should the Panthers make the post season. When asked if it bothered him to be giving a giant fake key to the city to a machine that is plotting the destruction of the future generations of humans, he responded, “That’s just one possible future. From your point of view… I don’t know tech stuff. What I do know is Carolina needs to win a championship in the present.”

– J

Mike Tomlin apologizes for shooting Joe Flacco in the face

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013

Mike Tomlin continues to face scrutiny for his shooting of Joe Flacco during the Steelers / Ravens game on Thanksgiving. He’s apologized for the incident, but appears to be losing patience with those who think he gunned down the Raven’s quarterback on purpose.

“My actions on that play are embarrassing,” said Tomlin. “I take full responsibility for my actions. I understand there are repercussions that come with a blunder of that nature. With my position comes the charge of preserving and protecting the integrity of football. Shooting Joe Flacco in the face was inexcusable. That play jeopardized the integrity of the NFL from a competition standpoint. That’s a mistake on my part. I was focused on the blunder itself and the embarrassment it produced. As a head coach in this league we are held to a higher standard of conduct. However If anybody thinks I or anybody else would shoot Joe Flacco in the face on purpose, they are crazy.”

Tomlin, who was subsequently fined $100,000 by the NFL for the incident, issued a statement indicating he’ll comply with the disciplinary action.

“As I stated yesterday, I take full responsibility for my actions, and I apologize for causing negative attention to the Pittsburgh Steelers organization. I accept the penalty that I received. I will no longer address this issue as I am preparing for an important game this Sunday against the Miami Dolphins. My focus is to prepare for that game, as well as not shoot Ryan Tannehill in the face.”

– J

Kim Jong Un upset with being slighted by NFL

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un has gone public with his apparent shunning from Sunday’s Bills / Falcons match-up in Toronto, while embattled city mayor Rob Ford was freely allowed to attend.

Jong Un said when interviewed, “Look filthy westerner, what does a dignitary need to do to get some love? That crack smoking chauvinist gets to sit on the 50 while I’m stuck watching WNBA reruns on a pirated cable hookup.”

Ford has admitted to smoking crack and driving drunk and is also under allegations of verbal and physical abuse from his former staff. He recently denied new allegations from a female staffer claiming he sought to perform oral sex with graphic language of his own, stunning the reporters who surrounded him: “It says I wanted to eat her pussy and I have never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married and I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.”

“He said what?”, Jong Un said in reacting to Ford’s latest PR nightmare, now visibly angry, “Look I may be the brutal monarch of a hereditary dictatorship, but I would never say ‘pussy’ to a reporter. Oh and I’ll pee in a cup right now, crack free here. Write it down. I mean it, write it down or I’ll have you publicly executed.”

When asked if he thought the mayor’s attendance hurt Buffalo’s chance to win, Jong Un replied “No, the Bills suck.”

– J