Ron Rivera is a Terminator

Written by SLAdmin on December 9th, 2013

Several sources are reporting exactly what most of us have suspected for a while, that Carolina Panthers head coach Ron Rivera is in fact a T-800 Cyberdyne Series Model 101 Terminator, sent from the future to eliminate the eventual leader of the human resistance against the machines.

Reaction has been mostly muted. “I knew it” said defensive coordinator Sean McDermott, “that’s so clearly living tissue surrounding a metal endoskeleton.”

Rivera has the Panthers on quite a run this season, leading the team to 8 wins in their last 9 games. He’s gaining support in Carolina as the long term answer at head coach, while underneath being a hyper-alloy combat chassis, microprocessor-controlled, fully armored, and very tough. But outside, living human tissue: flesh, skin, hair, blood – grown for the cyborgs, and developing quite a following as a fan favorite.

“Look, I may be here to hunt down and kill John Conner, but I’m also focused on winning games. Anyone who thinks those 2 mission parameters can’t co-exist is not a true Panther fan.” said a determined Rivera.

“It can make for some animated half-time meetings”, admitted quarterback Cam Newton. “One time we were down by 21 and he punched a hole in the white board and ended up punching right through the concrete wall into the shower. I’ve never seen anything like it. Steve Smith was all like, he was probably on PCP – broke every bone in his hand and wouldn’t feel it for hours. But I was like, no way man, that s**t just happened.”

Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon has been planning a Ron Rivera day should the Panthers make the post season. When asked if it bothered him to be giving a giant fake key to the city to a machine that is plotting the destruction of the future generations of humans, he responded, “That’s just one possible future. From your point of view… I don’t know tech stuff. What I do know is Carolina needs to win a championship in the present.”

– J

 

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