January, 2014

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Joey Harrington is beyond pissed about the Pro bowl

Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

The rethinking of the 2014 NFL Pro-bowl has been seen as nothing but a success, with Team Rice edging out Team Sanders 22-21. The new fantasy football style drafting, as opposed to the traditional NFC vs. AFC format, has been lauded by both media and fans and made for an unusually entertaining Pro-bowl matchup. However, former Oregon Duck standout and the 2002 3rd overall draft pick of the Detroit Lions – Joey Harrington has been quite outspoken in his dissatisfaction with the new Pro-bowl process.

“Where in the fuck was team Harrington in this pro-bowl?” exclaimed the really, really pissed off former PAC-10 offensive player of the year. “Look, I was in the NFL for 6 years and it was my understanding that I’d have a team.”

NFL officials were quick to respond. “No, Joey Harrington was not promised a team or any kind of participation in this or any future Pro-bowl. We have no idea where Mr. Harrington got that idea from and wish him continued success in, whatever it is he does now.”

Undeterred, Harrington made known the results of his fantasy draft last night via Twitter. However, with most of the big name talent in the NFL already drafted by either Team Rice or Team Sanders, or playing in Superbowl XLVIII, Team Harrington looks to be off to a rough start:

QB: ME (Joey Harrington), Christian Ponder, Kellen Clemens (Oregon Freaking Ducks Bitches)

WR: ME (Joey Harrington), Jeff Maehl

RB: Kenjon Barner, ME (Joey Harrington)

Plus every other Oregon Duck there is, FEAR THE QUACK, WIN THE DAY. – @Joeylicious

We attempted to reach Mr. Harrington for further comment however he was described as currently “resting” at an undisclosed location.

–J

Richard Sherman wants to remind you that January is thyroid awareness month

Thursday, January 23rd, 2014

The thyroid gland is often referred to as the body’s engine. As health care professionals have designated January Thyroid Awareness Month, Richard Sherman wants to spread awareness of a disease that affects 30 million Americans.

Sherman had this to say. “The thyroid gland is a small, butterfly-shaped gland located in the base of the neck just below the Adam’s apple. Although small in size, the gland plays a large role by producing thyroid hormone which influences the function of many of the body’s most important organs, including the heart, brain, liver, kidneys and skin. If thyroid issues run in your family, let your doctor know and test your thyroid levels beginning at age 20, with follow-up blood tests as often as yearly.”

Sherman closed by saying “If you experience additional symptoms at any time while taking medication, schedule an appointment for a new thyroid level test.”

–J *

* (I’d like to spread awareness of something equally as devastating. It’s called writer’s block and it affects millions of people daily)

Roger Goodell to change extra point rule

Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

It’s been widely reported that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is planning on changing the NFL rules, possibly eliminating extra points. As it turns out however, instead of abolishing extra points, Goodell actually wants to have them play an even bigger part on Sundays.

“It’s all about fan excitement. You want to add excitement with every play.” said Goodell, “I don’t believe that we’ve ever had this kind of energy around a proposed rule change.”

The commissioner then explained, “The new rule works this way. A team scores a touchdown in the traditional manner, either by passing or running the ball into the end zone. However the scoring team is awarded one point for the touchdown. They then have the option of kicking up to seven extra point attempts in a row.”

When asked how that’s even remotely exciting, Goodell responded, “Wait, it gets way better. If the kicking team misses any of the 7 attempts, they fall back to 1 point. However if they make all 7 attempts, they gain 7 points and are allowed to attempt a Powerball Death Kick.”

Apparently this new type of bonus kick is by no means a gimmie. “The Powerball Death Kick attempt occurs at the 50 yard line and really ups the risk and excitement. If the kicking team is successful in making the Powerball Death Kick, they are awarded an additional 17 points. However if they fail, they lose not only the original 8 points they earned for the touchdown, they lose all their timeouts for the half.”

When pressed as to if all this would simply be too confusing, Goodell responded, “NFL fans are passionate. I bet some of the games you remember the most hinged on a last second kick attempt. We’re just trying to replicate that excitement.”

He’ll certainly meet that goal as the NFL front office now estimates that going forward, 15% – 20% of a 60 minute football game will now consist of kick attempts. But it doesn’t stop there.

“If the Powerball Death Kick attempt is successful, the opposing team then has a chance to counter with a Disco Moneywheel “Bring on the Benjamins” Kick. This is placed at the opposing 40 yard line. If the kicking team makes the Disco Moneywheel “Bring on the Benjamins” Kick (What amounts to an 87 yard field goal attempt – Ed), they are awarded 100 points. However if they miss, they forfeit the entire season and lose all their draft picks for the next 2 years.”

Apparently Roger Goodell is insane. However it sounds like bathroom breaks won’t be an issue for the 2014 season.

–J

Brady to hold exclusively going forward

Monday, January 13th, 2014

An injury to punter / holder Ryan Allen led to New England quarterback Tom Brady having to fill in on holding duties on multiple field goal attempts during the Patriots 43-22 win over the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday. In fact he performed so well that Patriots coach Bill Belichick has announced that he wants Brady to hold exclusively, relieving him of his quarterback duties.

Belichick has named Ryan Mallet the Patriot’s starting quarterback for the remainder of the playoffs. Belichick explained, “Yeah, that was a great job. Brady holding, Gostkowski punting. That’s kind of playoff football — things like that happen. Guys get called on to do something maybe they haven’t done all year, haven’t done in several years and come through at a big time. I really need Tom to focus on that going forward”.

Quite understandably, Belichick was pressed as to how he could possibly think that starting Ryan Mallet at quarterback over 3 time Superbowl champion and first ballot hall of famer Tom Brady was on any level a good idea. In typical Belichick fashion he responded calmly, “I can’t have a guy worrying about 2 positions. This is the best move for the team.”

Brady reacted to the news, “Well I’m shocked to say the least. My salary for 2014 just dropped from a little over 23 million to $159,000. Gisele left. I’m not sure when she’ll be back. I guess I’ll have to figure out the mansion in Malibu and some other things, but hey, anything I can do to help out Ryan, and you know, hold on field goals. It’s all about getting another ring.

“It’s been a crazy few days“, said Mallet, “I got laid on the drive over here. But I trust coach and I’m just looking forward to getting out there and doing all the quarterback-type things as good (sic) as I can.”

Odd makers have responded swiftly, with the Payton Manning led Denver Broncos now finding themselves 126 point favorites.

TomBradySad

– J

Bulletproof draft predictions

Friday, January 10th, 2014

Here at reverse fantasy football central, I thought we’d take a brief break from satire and look at the most likely candidates for the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL draft.

The Texans of Houston own this pick, and I’ve broken down what I think are the 4 most probable names you’ll hear called May 8th. Let’s face it, the Houston Texans know how to pick first in the draft. Likely because they’ve had so much practice. So let’s go – from least to most probable:

#4 Derek Carr – Quarterback Fresno State.

The Carr’s have fantastic hair. These are manes the Budweiser Clydesdales have naughty dreams about. Plus, Fresno State has produced such notables as running back Ryan Matthews of the San Diego Chargers AND Trent Dilfer, 2001 Superbowl champion. But Trent Dilfer’s hair sucks, that’s common knowledge. However, Fresno State also produced Robert Beltran who played the role of Chakotay on Star Trek Voyager. Chakotay’s hair was flat out stunning, but the Carr’s have it all over Chakotay. What was I saying?

#3 AJ McCarron – Quarterback Alabama.

This is an easy choice. McCarron comes from a pro ready system under Nick Saban and led the Crimson Tide to 3 BCS national championship titles. And none of that matters at all, as this is his girlfriend:

You stick her in the stands every Sunday and Texan’s season tickets are suddenly something you will to your children.

#2 Kyle Van Noy – Outside Linebacker, Brigham Young University

- Mormon.
- Has at a minimum 3 names.
- At least one of those names is Kyle.

Go ahead and argue with this pick. You’d just look foolish.

Nonetheless, with the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans will with 100% certainty select:

#1 Kirby Van Der Kamp – Punter, Iowa State Cyclones

What did you expect? It is the Texans.

I will admit, that’s some solid lettuce he’s sporting. The Texans could certainly do worse from a hair perspective.

– J

Bob Mcnair credits successful coach hire to looking stoic

Friday, January 3rd, 2014

Texans owner Bob Mcnair introduced Bill O’Brian as the team’s new head coach earlier this week. “He showed that he has the ability to step into difficult situations and turn them around,” McNair said. “He did that at Penn State under very difficult circumstances and did an outstanding job there. We expect to see good things happen immediately.”

O’Brian was pursued by several NFL teams and Mcnair believes one of the reasons he was able to hire O’Brian amid heavy competition was his ability to look stoic. “Look people want stability, solidity in their job. The more stoic I can look, well that’s got to impress a man. Early on, I set out to look like an 18th century rail worker, or at the very least, a civil war quartermaster. I think the results of my efforts speak for themselves.”

There’s no denying Mr. Mcnair is able to look awfully stoic. But when queried further as to if that’s really something that matters to a potential head coach, he responded “Look at this picture. This is a hunting party from the 1920s. Do you think I’d look out of place in this photo?”

An animated Mcnair continued, “Look, I’m worth 2 billion dollars. You don’t become a billionaire by getting lucky. You do it by looking stoic. Now I wanted Bill O’ Brain as the head coach of this Houston football team in the great state of Texas. And to pull that off, I needed to look so unfathomably stoic, you’d mistake me for 6th century bishop. I was commited to looking so stoic, you’d think I was involved in the purchase of Alaska.”

It’s hard to disagree he didn’t pull that off.

–J

Playing with myself

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

So here at reverse fantasy football central, I’ve emerged victorious this year. Though it’s not without an asterisk. No, I’ve not been pumping myself full of Yak steroids again like 2003 (allegedly). However, the adversary skipped quite a few games this year.

Apparently being “the adversary” is one of the most difficult jobs in the universe. I struggle to understand this, but frankly I don’t need an opponent anyway. I’m in this for one thing. Glory. And Pride. Sure, I’d rather play against an actual person, but I’m no stranger to applying the hand brake. Many a week it’s just me, making the bald man puke, and those are the weeks when it matters. You, and your personal best, shaking hands with Yul Brynner.

Choking Richard and dating Miss Michigan for nothing but the pure satisfaction of venturing deep into the negative.

Yes, it’s been one of those years. Numerous weeks found me giving myself the low five after electing the president (?). Bludgeoning Henry Longfellow for NOTHING but the interpersonal experience of the WIN. Yes, there’s no room for fear when the true adversary is yourself. And those are the weeks that Suckleague is made of. Solitary. Comforted only by the lonely glare of a 60 inch LCD TV, teaching Patrick Stewart to Mambo.

Champion. I.

– J