Bulletproof draft predictions

Written by SLAdmin on January 10th, 2014

Here at reverse fantasy football central, I thought we’d take a brief break from satire and look at the most likely candidates for the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL draft.

The Texans of Houston own this pick, and I’ve broken down what I think are the 4 most probable names you’ll hear called May 8th. Let’s face it, the Houston Texans know how to pick first in the draft. Likely because they’ve had so much practice. So let’s go – from least to most probable:

#4 Derek Carr – Quarterback Fresno State.

The Carr’s have fantastic hair. These are manes the Budweiser Clydesdales have naughty dreams about. Plus, Fresno State has produced such notables as running back Ryan Matthews of the San Diego Chargers AND Trent Dilfer, 2001 Superbowl champion. But Trent Dilfer’s hair sucks, that’s common knowledge. However, Fresno State also produced Robert Beltran who played the role of Chakotay on Star Trek Voyager. Chakotay’s hair was flat out stunning, but the Carr’s have it all over Chakotay. What was I saying?

#3 AJ McCarron – Quarterback Alabama.

This is an easy choice. McCarron comes from a pro ready system under Nick Saban and led the Crimson Tide to 3 BCS national championship titles. And none of that matters at all, as this is his girlfriend:

You stick her in the stands every Sunday and Texan’s season tickets are suddenly something you will to your children.

#2 Kyle Van Noy – Outside Linebacker, Brigham Young University

- Mormon.
- Has at a minimum 3 names.
- At least one of those names is Kyle.

Go ahead and argue with this pick. You’d just look foolish.

Nonetheless, with the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans will with 100% certainty select:

#1 Kirby Van Der Kamp – Punter, Iowa State Cyclones

What did you expect? It is the Texans.

I will admit, that’s some solid lettuce he’s sporting. The Texans could certainly do worse from a hair perspective.

– J

 

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