It’s been widely reported that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is planning on changing the NFL rules, possibly eliminating extra points. As it turns out however, instead of abolishing extra points, Goodell actually wants to have them play an even bigger part on Sundays.
“It’s all about fan excitement. You want to add excitement with every play.” said Goodell, “I don’t believe that we’ve ever had this kind of energy around a proposed rule change.”
The commissioner then explained, “The new rule works this way. A team scores a touchdown in the traditional manner, either by passing or running the ball into the end zone. However the scoring team is awarded one point for the touchdown. They then have the option of kicking up to seven extra point attempts in a row.”
When asked how that’s even remotely exciting, Goodell responded, “Wait, it gets way better. If the kicking team misses any of the 7 attempts, they fall back to 1 point. However if they make all 7 attempts, they gain 7 points and are allowed to attempt a Powerball Death Kick.”
Apparently this new type of bonus kick is by no means a gimmie. “The Powerball Death Kick attempt occurs at the 50 yard line and really ups the risk and excitement. If the kicking team is successful in making the Powerball Death Kick, they are awarded an additional 17 points. However if they fail, they lose not only the original 8 points they earned for the touchdown, they lose all their timeouts for the half.”
When pressed as to if all this would simply be too confusing, Goodell responded, “NFL fans are passionate. I bet some of the games you remember the most hinged on a last second kick attempt. We’re just trying to replicate that excitement.”
He’ll certainly meet that goal as the NFL front office now estimates that going forward, 15% – 20% of a 60 minute football game will now consist of kick attempts. But it doesn’t stop there.
“If the Powerball Death Kick attempt is successful, the opposing team then has a chance to counter with a Disco Moneywheel “Bring on the Benjamins” Kick. This is placed at the opposing 40 yard line. If the kicking team makes the Disco Moneywheel “Bring on the Benjamins” Kick (What amounts to an 87 yard field goal attempt – Ed), they are awarded 100 points. However if they miss, they forfeit the entire season and lose all their draft picks for the next 2 years.”
Apparently Roger Goodell is insane. However it sounds like bathroom breaks won’t be an issue for the 2014 season.