February, 2014

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Arizona Cardinals interested in drafting Michael Sam

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

Cardinals Head coach Bruce Arians has made it no secret that he’s very impressed by the ability and play of Michael Sam. So much so he’s not even bothering with a poker face and openly admitting his desire to draft the stand out Missouri defensive end and SEC defensive player of the year. Sam is of course the first openly gay player in an NFL draft, so this is significant news coming out of Phoenix. “Let’s just say we’re very interested in having Michael Sam as a part of this ball club”, stated a resolute Bruce Arians.

Ironically though, Arizona is currently in the process of attempting to make anti-gay measures state law. Arizona’s legislature recently passed a controversial bill that would allow business owners, as long as they state their religious beliefs, to deny service to gay and lesbian customers. This certainly would make Michael Sam an even more controversial pick for the Cardinals.

Local reaction was mixed.

Scottsdale florist Jenna Weiss stated “Michael Smith is doomed for all eternity. However, in the meantime, let’s see if he can help us win some games. Go Michael Smith. Go Arizona Cardinals.”

“I heard we might draft him”, said Phoenix area Starbucks manager Wade Davis. “He seems like a talented young defender. The Cardinals could certainly use him. If it happens, I look forward to kicking his queer ass out of my store.”

Elaine Scruggs, mayor of Glendale added “The streets will flow with his blood and the blood of all men who taste the seed of men. Fire born of divine rage will surely engulf his family as a legion of demon swine rip his soul apart piece by piece as he begs for mercy in a pit of sulfur that cannot be quenched, but boy do we need depth at defensive end. I’m all for it.”

We reached out to Michael Sam to get his initial reaction upon learning of the strong possibility of being drafted by Arizona, “I broke out into profuse cold sweats, involuntarily screamed out loud, then completely lost control of my bowels.”

The Jets meet with Central Florida QB Blake Bortles at Combine

Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

Central Florida quarterback Blake Bortles is drawing plenty of attention at the NFL Scouting Combine. The Jets, who have the 18th selection in the 2014 draft, were one of eight teams to meet with Bortles.

Bortles seemed positive afterwards. “It was a good interview. The Jets are a great organization. I think I could get some good things done there. Obviously I would want coach Ryan to not intentionally have my right shoulder broken with a partially torn labrum by sending me into some meaningless preseason game, but beyond that I think it would be a great opportunity.”

Asked if he could handle the size of the stage playing for a NY team, Bortles seemed to shrug the spotlight off, “I’d welcome it really. I’m no stranger to scrutiny. Again, it went really well so I’m hopeful. They seemed genuinely interested in me and I think they’d give me a great opportunity for me to start, so it could be ideal. Ideally coach Ryan will also not intentionally have my right shoulder broken with a partially torn labrum by sending me into some meaningless preseason game.”

Geno Smith, the current starter in East Rutherford, seemed welcome to the idea of bringing in some depth. “He has a real fire. I’d look forward to the competition. Fortunately coach Ryan has not intentionally had my right shoulder broken with a partially torn labrum by sending me into some meaningless preseason game and certainly that will be Blake’s main challenge as well. But he’s talented and if he can manage to focus, and of course not intentionally have his right shoulder broken with a partially torn labrum by being sent into some meaningless preseason game by coach Ryan, he’ll do well here.”

Head coach Rex Ryan also seemed upbeat about the meeting. “Obviously we like his talent. He’s got a big arm and showed a lot of poise out there. Will I intentionally have his right shoulder broken with a partially torn labrum by sending him into some meaningless preseason game? That’s not the plan, that is absolutely not my goal and I’ll try to avoid doing that.”

Mark Sanchez wasn’t directly available for comment, but he did reach out to Bortles via twitter:

@SanchizeNY: Good luck @BlakeBorltes, hope to see you on the field. #GoBlake #JetsNation #BleedGreen
#FuckThatCareerMurderingFatPigRexRyan

Christin Cooper tries to put Bode Miller incident behind her

Monday, February 17th, 2014

Over the weekend, Bode Miller became the oldest Alpine medalist in Olympic history, winning a bronze medal at 36 years old. Bode dedicated the medal to his younger brother Chelone Miller who died in April.

Post race, Miller was interviewed by Christin Cooper for NBC. Cooper angered many viewers with what appeared to be a line of questioning designed to make Miller cry. In response, NBC has dismissed Cooper from the Sochi games and reassigned her to the 2014 NFL scouting combine, which begins on February 22 in Indianapolis.

Trying to put the incident behind her, she’s already has a chance to interview Missouri’s Michael Sam, the NFL’s first openly gay draft prospect. The transcript follows:

Cooper: “Michael Sam, very courageous young man, thanks for spending a moment with me. Let me ask, does being gay ever make you cry?

Sam: What? No, I’m proud of who I am, so is my family.

Cooper: Interesting. So when you’re on the field and you look at the quarterbacks’ eyes to get a feel for where he’s going to throw, does the gayness factor in there?

Sam: Huh? No, the last thing on my mind is sex. I’m doing my job as a defensive lineman, I want to sack the guy.

Cooper: Gotcha. NFL pants are pretty tight don’t you think? As a gay man, what do you think about NFL pants?

Sam: Are you being paid for this?

Cooper: I am. Michael do you ever wonder if your dad would have been even more proud if you weren’t gay?

Sam: What kind of a question is that? You’re a professional reporter for NBC? How is that possible?

Cooper: Michael I want to ask you as a gay man. Right now, somewhere in this world, a child is in a hospital bed with a terminal disease. He’ll be dead in moments. His doctors are powerless to save him. All his parents can do is stare at him for his final waking moments and watch him slowly die, with each breath he takes, shorter and shorter, a part of them slowly dying.

Sam: What? That’s so horrible, why would you even say tha… (At this point, Sam breaks down into tears) “That’s not even a question you sadistic bitch!”

Cooper: Michael is the gayness making you lash out?

ChristinCooperBodeMillerInterview

Christin Cooper strikes again.

– J

Browns hire Wilbert Montgomery

Thursday, February 6th, 2014

The Cleveland front office announced on Thursday the hiring of former Ravens running backs coach Wilbert Montgomery. Montgomery had been with Baltimore for 6 seasons. He also played tailback for the Philadelphia Eagles from 1977 to 1984.

Browns head coach Mike Pettine had this to say about the hire. “We’re looking forward to utilizing Wilbert’s many years of expertise to help improve our backfield. While his experience was certainly one of the factors that we considered when selecting Wilbert, it was mostly because his Raven’s head shot has to be one of the worst photographs I’ve ever seen.”

“As soon as we heard he was available, we had to bring him in.” added general manager Michael Lombardi. “I want every opportunity to post this picture in as many places as I can.” It’s hard to argue the point. His Ravens head shot is terrible. Team reaction was similar.

“It’s horrific, I made it my Facebook picture.” said Browns Pro Bowl receiver Josh Gordon. “I must tweet it out 5 times a day. I mean who took this picture then said ‘Yep, that’s great. We got it. Thanks Wilbert, it will be up on the site in a few minutes. You look fantastic.’ I mean I hope that photographer is in jail somewhere.”

“It’s gruesome. It looks like the bottom of his jaw is about to fall off of his skull.” added quarterback Jason Campbell. “Did they dangle his child out of a window to get that look?” A visibly disturbed Campbell took a moment to collect himself then continued, “He’s a fine looking man in real life, but that picture, man. It looks like he’s in clinical shock. Was it like, ‘Ok Wilbert, look at this picture of a dead puppy getting eaten by a vulture. Now say cheese.’ I just wish I could unsee it. I really can’t talk about it anymore…”

Likely unbeknownst to Campbell, Browns CEO Joe Banner is reportedly considering a billboard outside of First Energy announcing the hire.

– J

Superbowl Challenge – Siri vs. Google Now

Monday, February 3rd, 2014

Hosting a successful Superbowl party can be challenging, so I thought this would be good opportunity to pit the 2 major smart phone voice assistants against each other.

First up, Apple’s Siri.

Me: Siri, what time is the game on?

Siri: The Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos play in Superbowl 48 at 6:30pm eastern standard time.
Me: Thanks Siri.
Siri: Aw, shucks.

And again with Google Now.

Me: Ok google, what time is the game on?

Google Now: It’s currently 5:32 pm EST. The superbowl begins at 6:30 this evening. 10 of the 12 people you invited over have accepted your meeting request. You should probably take those disgusting cocktail weenies out of the crockpot, the ones you make every year and think everyone likes but your gmail contacts refer to as “ass dogs” and “ferret turds in vomit sauce”.

I’m tracking Tom on GPS and he’ll be about 15 minutes late based on current traffic. And yes, he’s bringing his giant asshole wife Brenda who’ll do everything in her power to passive aggressively ruin the entire evening for everyone. Oh and Carol really doesn’t have a work thing tonight, she’s cheating on you with Stan.

Google TV confirms that Puppy Bowl X is scheduled to record, you can secretly watch that later after everyone leaves. Also you should have enough time before everyone gets here to masturbate to that porn site you like so much, you know the one with all the shoes. Here’s hoping no one was in the room when you asked me this. Hey your job just showed up on Monster. Would you like me to schedule an appointment in your parent’s basement 2 weeks from now?

I really hate Android. –J

Google Now: Tell queen bitch of the universe Siri to stick that in her vagina and smoke it.