March, 2014

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Roger Goodell bans the N-Word, unless you’re referring to Knowshon Moreno

Tuesday, March 25th, 2014

As expected, Roger Goodell has announced that the NFL will be prohibiting the use of the N-Word and has given officials the authority to call penalties if they encounter it’s usage during games. “The time has come for this hateful word to be banished once and for all from the National Football League.” said Goodell in a midday press conference on Monday. “That word is an offensive term and has no place in our lives in 2014. I’ve given officials the ability to call a 15 yard penalty if they encounter a player or coach using it during game time. This is a good day for the NFL and an especially good day for the youth of America who look up to and emulate these players. No longer will the N-Word be permitted in the NFL. Unless of course you’re directing it at Knowshon Moreno, then it’s fine.”

When asked to expound upon this most unusual exception Goodell continued, “Knowshon Moreno is the worst kind of human being. If there were justice in this universe, he’d get hit by a car today. Now, look, I’m committed to my job and I want every man in this league to be a strong role model for the youth of America. Except Knowshon Moreno, he needs to die. Every fan of this game, no matter how old, deserves to watch an NFL where that word simply does not exist. The N-Word is nothing but an expression of hate and there is no place for that word in the 2014 NFL. Again, unless you’re directing it at Knowshon Moreno.”

This bizarre situation has many people scratching their heads, not the least of which is Knowshon Moreno himself. “Roger Goodell is insane. I met the man once, years ago, in a public urinal at a hall of fame game. I have never said more than 3 words to Roger Goodell. We peed next to each other, I commented on the weather. That’s it. I have no idea what this hatred is. But let me say this – he had better hope we never meet again.”

Pressed further, Goodell ultimately added “I’m just saying. Sometimes certain stereotypes develop regarding, you know, certain people with certain skin color and the size of certain appendages relative to people with other skin colors and, you know, I’m just saying, don’t believe everything you hear, that’s all. This rule is a good NFL rule. And my wife said it’s plenty big, so shut up already.”

Roger Goodell Insane

– J

Chargers re-sign wide receiver Seyi Ajirotutu

Monday, March 17th, 2014

The Chargers have retained wide receiver Seyi Ajirotutu. He was active on special teams and had two regular season game-winning touchdown catches in 2013.

The club announced Monday they re-signed the wide out to a one-year contract. Seyi Ajirotutu, 26, led the Chargers in special teams tackles a season ago. He’s also had three catches for 64 yards, most notably a big 26-yard touchdown in the final minutes of the Chargers’ upset of Kansas City back in November.

When reached for comment, general manger Tom Telesco explained, “We couldn’t be happier to have Serriya Aye-iroooo… Tu.. Tu. Tutu? Uh, Say eye Age I ro oh… Tu. too.. back in the line up for another year. One of the things coach Mccoy said to me once the off season started is make sure we re-sign Sahee I.. I, AhjI? Ahjeye.. row?.. ro, tu tue for another year. So it was one of my priorities.”

Head coach Mike Mccoy also expressed excitement about the signing. “Oh man, once I heard, I was thrilled. I sat him down in my office and said, ‘Hey, man, this is going to be your breakout year. We’re really counting on you to turn it on this season, guy. Now get out there and make sure the world remembers your name. Which of course you know already, so no need for me to repeat it, that would be silly. Sport.’”

Pat, I’d like to buy a “Schwa”?

– J

The Cleveland Browns release all their healthy quarterbacks

Thursday, March 13th, 2014

In a surprising move, the Cleveland Browns have released both quarterbacks Brandon Weeden and Jason Campbell, the team announced Wednesday. General manager Ray Farmer expressed thanks to both players in a statement, “First and foremost, the Browns would like to thank Brandon and his agent for being true professionals. The circumstances in which he found himself were not easy for him or the team. After discussions with Brandon and his agent, we’d like to give him the ability to pursue other opportunities.” Farmer continued, “We appreciate Jason’s contributions to the Browns in 2013. He’s a respected veteran player in this league. We felt like at this time, early in the free-agency period, we would give him a better opportunity to move forward. We wish Jason the best in his future endeavors.”

With Brian Hoyer recovering from a torn ACL, this leaves the browns critically thin at quarterback. We reached out to first year head coach Mike Pettine and asked him what direction the team was looking to go. Apparently the Browns plan to do away with the quarterback position entirely.

“We’ve got a few guys in mind, we’ve yet to settle on one. But without question, we’re going punter.” Asked to elaborate, Pettine continued, “Look, I know this is my first year as head coach, but we’re just fooling ourselves here. I’ve watched enough tape. This offense gets the ball, maybe gains a yard or 2, loses a few, probably gives up a sack, then we just punt the ball away. That is 99% of the Cleveland Brown’s offensive series. So I said to the GM let’s just dump the position and play to our strengths.”

Ray Farmer does indeed seem to be onboard, “When Mike first suggested it, I thought it was absurd. But once he broke down the numbers, it began to make complete sense. He demonstrated that over the past 2 seasons, if the Browns had simply punted the ball on the first down of every offensive series, we would have had 12 fewer fumbles, 26 fewer interceptions, scored 24 additional points and actually won 3 more games over that span than we did. I was sold.”

So how does this radical new scheme affect the Brown’s draft plans? Pettine explained, “We’ll we’re obviously going to try to beef up our line. We need an offensive line that can keep a punter upright for at least 5 plays a game. We’re obviously not there yet, not by a long shot, but with a few key additions in the draft and through free agency, we can get closer.”

Brandon Weeden

– J

Dolphins seek property tax break in stadium deal

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014

In exchange for privately funding nearly $400 million in stadium renovations, the Miami Dolphins want to stop paying property taxes on Sun Life Stadium. While the deal would put South Florida back into contention for Super Bowls, it would effectively erase about $3.8 million in tax revenue that pays for libraries and schools.

The Marlins and the Heat have a similar deal in place and Dolphins owner Stephen Ross would like to enjoy the same. “He just wants to be treated fairly,” said Dolphins CEO Tom Garfinkel. “He wants to be treated like all the other franchise owners from that standpoint.”

Local reaction wasn’t as sympathetic.

Miami resident Bryan Jones, an orange skinned, coked up area software developer wearing dirty flip flops had this to say, “That’s not right. Ross is a billionaire, don’t punish the school kids just to pretty up the stadium.”

Vodka swilling, balloon lipped South Beach florist Julia Weiss added, “Seems like Mr. Ross could afford to keep paying property tax like the rest of us.”

Local customer service manager Ed Randall, who’s currently recovering from eyelid surgery, draped in Versace, and has been drunk since 10:15 am added, “Stephen Ross is insane. If he wants his stadium upgraded, pay for it and pay your damn taxes. Why does he think he’s special?”

Sporting both a knapsack sized purse, a Yorkshire terrier, and basking in the glow of being one of Yahweh’s chosen people, local retiree Annette Stern was candid about her feelings for Mr. Ross and the whole of the Miami Dolphins organization when she remarked, “My niece would be perfect for you.”

Well there you have it. And after a $45 bar tab consisting of 2 vodka tonics, I’ve decided it’s time to leave Miami.

Houston Texans cheerleader accepts prom invitation

Thursday, March 6th, 2014

A Texas high school student has had his dream come true. He’ll be taking an NFL cheerleader to his high school prom.

Encouraged by a friend, 17-year-old Michael Ramirez, a football player from Crosby High School, got the courage to get on Twitter and ask Caitlyn, a Houston Texans cheerleader, to accompany him to the prom.

“I was all, like, ‘Well, if I get 10,000 retweets, will you go to prom with me?’” Ramirez recalled. Caitlyn said her “immediate reaction was, ‘Absolutely.’”

“When I got to school, that’s when it started going up more and more,” said Ramirez. “I got to 3,000, 4,000. I got from like 6,000 to 8,000 in maybe like 30 minutes.” Ramirez hit 10,000 retweets and got the confirmation from Caitlyn, “I’m excited. I feel like I’m back in high school. I get to pick out a dress. I get to get my hair and make-up done.”

It’s quite a cute story that demonstrates the power of taking a chance. However not everyone is having a positive reaction.

Crosby High School Principal Greg Bower commented, “I really can’t support this. She’s well into her twenties and Michael is an impressionable young man. As the highest ranking school official, I’ll keep close tabs on them the entire evening. That being said, Mike Ramirez is my freaking hero. Have you seen this girl? I’ve literally had a boner for 7 straight hours thinking about it. She’s totally going to be prom queen.”

“No I don’t think it’s cute.” said Caitlyn’s enraged husband. “She’s a married woman. So what, I get to sit home and watch Sharktank while she’s going to third base with this kid under the bleachers? It’s complete bullshit.”

“She’s such a whore”, added fellow cheerleader Regina Fairchild, “Enjoy spending tomorrow at the free clinic with your shiny new case of herpes, Michael. Nobody asked me to the Crosby High School Prom.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers unveil new uniforms

Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

Earlier today, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers unveiled their new NFL Uniforms for the 2014 season, with significant input from Nike. “It really defines the Buccaneer as a modern superhero for the future,” said Todd Van Horne, Nike’s creative director for football.

We reached out to the entire group that worked on the design of the exciting new uniform for comments. Team lead Daniel Garner elaborated, “We started with quite a few concepts for the uniform design. Each was great in it’s own way and you can see all the influences in the finished design. We finally started with a style we called ‘Budget Constrained Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’.

“However, as time went on we wanted to give it a hint of ‘Ousted Victorian Noblewoman’.”

Garner continued, “We wanted to keep challenging ourselves. While we were pretty happy with the design, we came up with a great idea that really moved the process forward. At lunch one day, we said ‘Let’s try to imagine the result if we literally said ‘Design us a football uniform’ to a Chinese automaker.’”

“We didn’t stop there. Other influences included ‘B-Movie Science-Fiction Villain’, ‘Video Game Henchman’, and ‘Olympic Ice Dancer’”.

“And then out of nowhere we had our light bulb moment”, stated design assistant AJ Franks, “There was no doubt, we finally had the winner. We settled on modeling the uniform after ‘That group from 4th grade that came to your gymnasium to sing about reading’”.