In exchange for privately funding nearly $400 million in stadium renovations, the Miami Dolphins want to stop paying property taxes on Sun Life Stadium. While the deal would put South Florida back into contention for Super Bowls, it would effectively erase about $3.8 million in tax revenue that pays for libraries and schools.
The Marlins and the Heat have a similar deal in place and Dolphins owner Stephen Ross would like to enjoy the same. “He just wants to be treated fairly,” said Dolphins CEO Tom Garfinkel. “He wants to be treated like all the other franchise owners from that standpoint.”
Local reaction wasn’t as sympathetic.
Miami resident Bryan Jones, an orange skinned, coked up area software developer wearing dirty flip flops had this to say, “That’s not right. Ross is a billionaire, don’t punish the school kids just to pretty up the stadium.”
Vodka swilling, balloon lipped South Beach florist Julia Weiss added, “Seems like Mr. Ross could afford to keep paying property tax like the rest of us.”
Local customer service manager Ed Randall, who’s currently recovering from eyelid surgery, draped in Versace, and has been drunk since 10:15 am added, “Stephen Ross is insane. If he wants his stadium upgraded, pay for it and pay your damn taxes. Why does he think he’s special?”
Sporting both a knapsack sized purse, a Yorkshire terrier, and basking in the glow of being one of Yahweh’s chosen people, local retiree Annette Stern was candid about her feelings for Mr. Ross and the whole of the Miami Dolphins organization when she remarked, “My niece would be perfect for you.”
Well there you have it. And after a $45 bar tab consisting of 2 vodka tonics, I’ve decided it’s time to leave Miami.