April, 2014

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Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha to visit Ravens

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Alabama standout safety Ha-Ha Clinton Dix recently met with the Baltimore Ravens. He’s also met with the Lions and Titans, both of whom select before the Ravens who will be on the board with the 17th overall pick. Less known, his younger brother, Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha has also been making the private workout rounds. While Ha-Ha (Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha, not Ha-Ha Clinton Dix) did not attend a major university like his older brother, he’s sparked quite a bit of interest from more than one NFL team.

John Harbaugh said, “I think in many ways, Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha is a better draft choice than Ha-Ha Clinton Dix because you can grab him in a later round. Clinton (Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha, not Ha-Ha Clinton Dix) is in many ways just as explosive as Ha-Ha (Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, not Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha).”

Also visiting NFL teams is Ha-Ha’s half brother, Ha-Dix Clinton Clinton Da-Hix Clinton. Bills head coach Doug Marrone had a private workout earlier in the week with Dix (Ha-Dix Clinton Clinton Da-Hix Clinton, not Ha-Ha Clinton Dix or Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha) and he came away impressed. “Clinton Clinton is the hidden gem in this draft. He may not go as high as Ha-Ha (Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, not Dix-Dix Clinton Ha-Ha or Ha-Dix Clinton Clinton Da-Hix Clinton) but he’s going to an NFL starter in my opinion.”

We reached out to Dix’s mother to inquire as to just what in the hell is wrong with her and what the fuck was she thinking. We’re still awaiting comment.



Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars among least popular internet searches

Monday, April 7th, 2014

ESPN reported this week that the Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars have abysmal search numbers on the internet. Based on Google search frequency, the Tennessee Titans rate just behind such juggernauts as MLB’s Colorado Rockies and even with the NHL’s Calgary Flames in popularity.

The data of global search traffic searched major North American professional leagues and comes from Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com. The Titans rank 80th on the list, behind four teams from the Mexican soccer league. Understandably, only the Jacksonville Jaguars are less looked for than the Titans in global Google searches among NFL teams.

Reached for comment, Ruston Webster general manager of the Titans expressed disappointment. “It’s a bit embarrassing. Clearly we have to take steps to increase the team’s popularity. I mean, look at some of these. Seriously? The Tennessee Titans are searched for less than ‘Midgets having sex with cars’ and ‘Bangkok she-male watersports’? What does that last one even mean? And no, I take no solace whatsoever in the fact that we barely beat out ‘granny tranny orgy’. This list is revolting by the way.”

Jacksonville Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley tried to find the bright side. “Hey, cool we beat out ‘hot toe worship’ and ‘amputees in nylon’, nothing wrong with that. I mean, sure ‘Jacksonville Jaguars’ is searched for a full 10 times less than ‘bathroom discipline webcam’, but at least we’re more popular than ‘Amish Bukkake’. It just shows this organization headed in the right direction.”