Michael Sam has canceled his reality show with Oprah Winfrey’s OWN network. His agent recently stated, “After today’s meeting with the Rams, we felt it is best to postpone the project. This will allow for Michael to have total focus on football, and will ensure no distractions to his teammates.”
OWN was quick with a follow up statement. OWN president president Erik Logan remarked, “After careful consideration and discussion with the St. Louis Rams. ‘The Untitled Michael Sam Project’ has been postponed, allowing Michael the best opportunity to achieve his dreams of making the team. OWN is about elevating and empowering people to achieve their best. It’s clear that we, along with the world, recognize the opportunity that Michael has in this moment. We will continue to support him in his journey to earn a spot playing for the Rams.”
Oprah Winfrey however, seems to think the project is not entirely dead, though it would no longer involve Michael Sam. At a recent press conference regarding the matter, she stated, “Sure, it would have made for an inspiring story. African American, college star, the first openly gay draft pick, you couldn’t make up anything more poignant. However I think we can still salvage this thing. Instead, we’re going to document a year in the life of a fat, white Mormon.”
As such, a film crew from the OWN network has been assigned to chronicle the next year in the life of Oakland Raiders offensive guard Tony Bergstrom. Bergstrom was drafted by the Oakland Raiders with the 95th pick in the 2012 draft. He is indeed Mormon, as well as white and fat.
Hard pressed to really find a common thread in the two stories, many present requested clarification. “I don’t think you’re seeing the big picture”, replied a clearly frazzled Winfrey, “Tony Bergstrom is quite fat, really white, and highly Mormon. This is inspiring stuff.”
While perhaps atypical for the NFL, if one found one’s self in say Utah, one couldn’t swing a dead cat without it hitting a fat, white Mormon in the face. Perhaps sensing that not a single individual present sensed even a mild similarity between being the first openly gay player in the NFL struggling for a roster spot VS. being a Mormon, white, fat starting NFL guard, Winfrey attempted to change the subject.
“Look, I’m Oprah, I’ve been fat. Then thin, then fat again, then sort of thin, then fat, then Free Willy fat, then just fat again. And if all that has taught me anything, it’s that I love America. And don’t fry everything.”
There were no more questions.