September, 2014

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Raiders hire interim head coach

Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

The Oakland Raiders have settled on their replacement for Dennis Allen.

After several conflicting reports emerged over the last 12 hours about who the Raiders would go with as Allen’s replacement, Jim Trotter of ESPN reported on Tuesday that the Raiders have hired an interim head coach: a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko.

If the reports are correct that Raiders General Manager Reggie McKenzie indeed wanted a chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea, but owner Mark Davis preferred Al Saunders or Tony Sparano, that would indicate that Davis still has confidence in McKenzie’s decision-making. This seems unlikely considering that most of McKenzie’s decisions as Oakland’s G.M. have been awful.

At 0-4, the Raiders are on their bye this week, which will give a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko some extra time to make whatever changes he deems necessary. Although a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko will presumably get the final 12 games of the season to prove himself capable of handling the job on a permanent basis, it seems more likely that the Raiders will hire a new coach after the season ends.

Reached for comment, Yoko hurled a barrage of his own feces at the camera while incessantly screaming and scratching and gnawing at his groin area.

Raiders Lar Gibbon

–J

Teddy Bridgewater’s ankle MRI is negative

Monday, September 29th, 2014

Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer told reporters on Monday that Teddy Bridgewater’s MRI was negative. Despite suffering a sprained ankle against the Falcons, it appears that Bridgewater will be ready to play in week 5 against the Green Bay Packers. However, while his MRI was negative for a broken ankle, it did come back as positive for flesh eating zombie nano-robot disease.

“Well I’m glad my ankle isn’t broken”, said Bridgewater when reached for comment, “but I can’t say I’m really happy about having flesh eating zombie nano-robots in my system. Guess I’ll just take practice day to day and focus on being ready for Sunday.”

We contacted team physician Dr. Greg Stephens to get some further details on Bridgewater’s condition.

Suckleague: “Dr. Stephens, what’s the treatment for flesh eating zombie nano-robot disease?”

Dr. Stephens: “There is no treatment. They’re zombie robots.”

Suckleague: “So what’s Teddy’s prognosis and expected recovery time?”

Dr. Stephens: “Well Teddy will slowly be devoured by an army of tiny zombie flesh eating nano-robots until such a time as he himself turns into a zombie. At which point we’ll shoot him in the head with a shotgun.”

Coach Zimmer added, “Teddy’s rookie debut was outstanding. We think we have our franchise guy and look forward to him leading us to many wins during his career here. Until of course he turns into a zombie, at which point we’ll shoot him in the head with a shotgun.”

Zombie Teddy Bridgewater

–J

Rams looking for help at QB, RB, TE, WR, OT, OG, C, FB, DT, DE, LB, FS, SS, CB, PN, AND K

Thursday, September 25th, 2014

On Wednesday, the Rams tried to address some of their needs, namely at QB, RB, TE, WR, OT, OG, C, FB, DT, DE, LB, FS, SS, CB, PN, AND K, via an open tryout, which no doubt turned out fantastic. So, to this week’s reverse fantasy football action.

Conclusion – TAMPA BAY EVEN SUCKS AT SUCKING.

Fist the good – Chad Henne was marvelous (ghastly), completing 4 of 7 passes for 33 yards, getting sacked three times then promptly being benched <pauses to sob gently then wipe tear from eye>. THAT, is how you do it.

My “defense”? Tampa Bay gave up 52 points!!!!!! Does that mean its finally big happy joy week in reverse fantasy Craposlovenia? You would think I should have scored so far into the negative I could see the insides of my own pancreas (?)

WRONG. Tampa scored +6.00. Why? BECAUSE REVERSE FANTASY FOOTBALL IS ACTUALLY DIFFICULT, unlike your stupid normal fantasy league. You can pick a team that gives up 52 and still LOSE.

The Tampa Bay Area Brony Chapter, er, defense recovered 3 fumbles, 2 of which I think they fumbled right back again, and somehow scored a TD. But you know what, FUCK IT – I’m taking the moral victory on this one. If you pick a defense that gives up 52 you should be crowned King Chancellor Deity of Reverse Fantasy Football for the week (Please refer to me as that until Sunday at 1pm, thanks). So, I’m *1-2 and failing miserably at playing with myself. It doesn’t get much darker than this.

Brony Shame

Ok, it clearly could be worse.

– J

Jaguars sign Sherrod Martin and 2 others in effort to keep team shitty

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

The Jaguars are 0-3 and they brought in three players on Tuesday they hope will help keep both the offense and the defense shitty.

The team announced earlier today they have signed safety Sherrod Martin, linebacker Jeremiah George, and tight end Nic Jacobs to their 53-man roster. Though Martin is the only member of the trio with professional experience, all 3 were readily available and shitty.

Martin was a former second-round pick and made 36 starts for them before tearing his ACL in 2012. He didn’t play in the league at all last season but was with the Jaguars this summer. The need for Martin arose when Chris Prosinski hurt his triceps after playing shitty against the Colts. That leaves the Jags with only shitty wide receiver Cecil Shorts and shitty defensive tackle Tyson Alualu to show from their shitty 2010 and 2011 drafts.

Sahid Kahn

– J

Giants finally figure out their new offense

Monday, September 22nd, 2014

After two weeks of inconsistent offensive play and mounting criticism on Giants quarterback Eli Manning for not picking up the new offensive system implemented by first-year offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo, things finally clicked in Sunday’s 30-17 win at MetLife Stadium. Manning nearly was perfect, completing 21-of-28 for 234 yards, two touchdowns and a robust 123.2 rating. “That is the way it’s supposed to work”, said an elated Manning, “You just play the Texans.”

“Manning has persevered greatly,” receiver Victor Cruz said of his quarterback and the criticism he has endured. “This week in practice, he was locked in and made every throw. I think were somewhere around 90 percent this week in practice. He was locked in, knew exactly what he needed to do. Play the Texans.”

The tempo at which Manning and the offense operated was the highest since McAdoo arrived. “I love seeing him in a rhythm like that where he’s confident,” Giants’ safety Antrel Rolle said. “He looked very poised. Eli did a phenomenal job executing the offense and the rest of the guys did an excellent job being on same page as Eli. Playing the Texans has made all the difference in this offense.”

Giants head coach Tom Coughlin said, “Last week we made some steps to get better and this week was even stronger. If we can keep playing the Texans, we’ll be just fine.”

The Texans Suck

– J

Tony Romo says there’s no reason to worry about his back

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

After he missed yesterday’s practice with tightness in his back, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo insists there’s no reason for alarm. Keep in mind he missed most of the off-season following back surgery. Romo said he planned to practice today, but he would likely miss practice here and there in the future.

“It’s going to pop up,” Romo said. “I’m sure it’ll happen throughout the rest of the season. You’ll see a day here or there. It’s the same as the arm. Sometimes your arm gets tired. It’s just obviously more talked about because of having surgery on the back. You play this game. It’s a very violent, physical game, and you throw the ball a lot and you do all these things. Sometimes it’s just that tightness stuff comes up. You prefer obviously to do everything 100 percent of the time, but you can’t always do that. I’ll be fine. The fans don’t have to worry about my back at all.”

Romo continued, “But if they want to worry about something, how about my god-awful throwing mechanics? Even better would be to worry about my total lack of consistency. I mean, if I’ve performed well in 2 games back to back, I have no memory of it. Or how about my uncanny ability to completely fold like a goddamn lawn chair from Dollar General in the 4th quarter. Now that warrants some worry. Or my ridiculous ability to hit defenders between the fucking numbers when we have the lead? THAT I would worry about. Go Cowboys!”

We attempted to confirm Romo’s back health with his orthopedic surgeon who added “Tony Romo sucks.”

Tony Romo Sucks

– J

Peyton Manning murders John Fox with an axe

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Earlier today, following an apparent spat between himself and head coach John Fox over a new offensive formation, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning pulled out a single bit felling axe and swung at Fox multiple times, causing massive trauma and bleeding that ultimately resulted in Fox’s death. As Broncos practice is regularly filmed, the gruesome act was captured on video from multiple angles (the footage of which is so disturbing it will not be shown here.)

Broncos GM John Elway was quick to issue a statement, “Yes I’ve seen the film and it’s certainly a bit unsettling. But we really believe that due process needs to run its course here. This is America and Manning is innocent until proven guilty. He’ll start Sunday at Seattle.”

Team owner Pat Bowlen added, “Based on the extensive information that we have right now and what we know about Peyton, not only as a person, but what he has also done for this community, we believe he deserves to play while the legal process plays out. At the same time, we must defer to the legal system to determine whether he went too far. But we cannot make that judgment.”

Manning himself released a statement after the incident indicating that he was “sorry about the hurt I have brought to my coach. I am not a perfect. But I am, without a doubt, not an axe murderer. No one can understand the hurt that I feel for Fox and for the harm I caused him. My goal is always to give my coach constructive feedback, and that’s what I tried to do that day.”

Peyton Manning Kills John Fox

Reebok, Gatorade, and MasterCard have all released statements in support of Manning and affirmed his endorsement deals are not in any danger.

– J

Robert Griffin III won’t need surgery

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

There was some rare injury related good news for Robert Griffin III earlier today. The oft-injured Griffin, who left Sunday’s game in Washington with an ankle injury, said that an MRI revealed he does not have a fracture and does not think he will need surgery. “Huge man”, said RGIII, “just huge. To know I can be back this season, back to show everybody what I can do.”

While that was certainly good news, it was short lived. Unfortunately, Robert Griffin III broke his leg while getting his ankle taped. Then most unfortunately while getting his broken leg set in plaster, both of his arms fell off. And in a most, most unfortunate incident, while having surgery to have his arms reattached, Griffin’s head exploded.

No time table for his return has yet been indicated.

–J

Tom Coughlin responds to Adrian Peterson situation

Monday, September 15th, 2014

Many NFL players, assistants and coaches have expressed shock at the indictment of Adrian Peterson for child abuse charges. However, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin went a step further, holding a press conference after Sunday’s loss to address the situation.

“Today’s decision was made after significant thought, discussion and consideration,” Coughlin said. “This is clearly a very important issue. On Friday, we felt it was in the best interests of the organization to step back, evaluate the situation, and not rush to judgment given the seriousness of this matter. To be clear, we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child. This is a difficult path to navigate, and our focus is on doing the right thing. Currently we believe we are at a juncture where the most appropriate next step is to cut Eli Manning.”

Asked how that move related to the Adrian Peterson situation at all, Coughlin continued, “Look, we’re not making the same mistake that we did with Ray Rice. There is no video in this case. There will not be a video in this case. But that does not minimize the severity of this case. Releasing Eli Manning is the right thing to do and we will not delay in doing the right thing.”

Pressed further Coughlin asserted, “Look, I’m not going to take any questions. This is a serious matter and we’ve addressed it how we think appropriate. You may think child abuse is no big deal, but the Giants organization takes it VERY SERIOUSLY. So Eli Manning is no longer a member of this football team.”

Eli Manning Has Been Cut

– J

So the Giants have cut Eli Manning. Meanwhile, on the reverse fantasy football front, THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF TEAM SPORTS GOING BACK TO ORGANIZED PALEOLITHIC ROCK KICKING. First the good. The Chiefs defense – a SOLID 0. Eye of the margay, guys – way to focus. That foundation should have allowed my starting quarterback, um, Austin Davis (?), to propel me way into the negative.

Who is Austin Davis

How did Austin the-belfry-of-capacity Davis perform in his first game against the mighty Tampa 4th Grade Spelling Bee Finalists (Defense)? 235 yards, 0 turnovers. You’re making the baby Tebow cry, Tampa.

The Skin Flute Players, week 2….. +7.10 points.
I’ll right this ship somehow.

Ted Robinson suspended 2 weeks for inappropriate Ray Rice comments

Thursday, September 11th, 2014

The San Francisco 49ers suspended veteran broadcaster Ted Robinson on Wednesday night for the next two games following comments this week on a San Francisco radio station about the Ray Rice domestic violence case that were deemed insensitive.

The Pac-12 Networks also announced late Wednesday that it had suspended Robinson for the next two weeks and that he would undergo sensitivity training. Robinson, 57, spoke while co-hosting on KNBR radio Monday.

“The comments made by radio broadcaster Ted Robinson on Monday were offensive and in no way reflect the views of the San Francisco 49ers organization. We have made the decision to suspend him for the next two games. I informed Ted of our decision earlier today, and we will continue to address this matter with him internally. Our organization stands strongly against domestic violence and will not tolerate comments such as these,” said 49ers president Paraag Marathe.

The transcript of Robinson’s broadcast follows.

<begin transcript>

KNBR Radio Host: That’s something about Ray Rice, isn’t it Ted?

Ted Robinson: It really is. Nobody should ever hit a woman like that. Let me tell you what pisses me off though. How come we have to call Obama the first black president? He’s only half black. Look at his wife, she’s full on black and like 3 shades darker than him.

<35 seconds of the most awkward silence ever>

Ted Robinson: What?

<end transcript>

Following his suspension, the following statement was issued: “I want to unconditionally apologize for my comments the other day,” Robinson said. “As a professional communicator, I am responsible for my words. My choice of words was careless. I wholeheartedly apologize and I will refer to Obama as the first black president from now on. Also, I think my paternal grandmother was Jewish, so please call me Jew King of the Bay from now on. Assholes.”

Ted Robinson Archie Bunker

– J