The Oakland Raiders have settled on their replacement for Dennis Allen.
After several conflicting reports emerged over the last 12 hours about who the Raiders would go with as Allen’s replacement, Jim Trotter of ESPN reported on Tuesday that the Raiders have hired an interim head coach: a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko.
If the reports are correct that Raiders General Manager Reggie McKenzie indeed wanted a chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea, but owner Mark Davis preferred Al Saunders or Tony Sparano, that would indicate that Davis still has confidence in McKenzie’s decision-making. This seems unlikely considering that most of McKenzie’s decisions as Oakland’s G.M. have been awful.
At 0-4, the Raiders are on their bye this week, which will give a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko some extra time to make whatever changes he deems necessary. Although a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko will presumably get the final 12 games of the season to prove himself capable of handling the job on a permanent basis, it seems more likely that the Raiders will hire a new coach after the season ends.
Reached for comment, Yoko hurled a barrage of his own feces at the camera while incessantly screaming and scratching and gnawing at his groin area.