The Oakland Raiders are not in good shape. The team started the year 0-4, then fired head coach Dennis Allen before making assistant head coach Tony Sparano their interim coach.
Sparano, apparently looking for the team to make a fresh start mentally, had the players bury a football after practice as a symbolic gesture, as well as 3 prostitutes he ritually murdered some time ago.
A video from NFL Media shows Sparano with a shovel and a ball, as well as the bloodied bodies of 3 dead prostitutes, telling his team to bury the memories of their 0-4 start along with the ball. “What this ball represents and what this hole represents are the first four games of the season, the first quarter of our season, as well as 3 prostitutes I ritually murdered”, Sparano told his team, via a video posted on the team’s website, before making them actually cover the football (and prostitutes) with dirt.
And with that, week 5 Suckleague reverse fantasy football is in the books, which has pretty much been me ritually murdering myself with terrible decisions.
The week started smashingly well. My field general was none other than the delicate Christian Ponder – and did he ever want it. Until he stopped wanting it that is. Going into the 2nd half of Thursday night’s match-up against the Packers of Green Bay, “CP1″ had amassed some impressive stats – virtually no yards, a bunch of sacks and 2 interceptions. The clouds were finally parting, this was the week it was all going to come together. I could see the sun! You know until the clouds all got together again and started raining elephant urine all over my head. In a tragic admission that he has no business throwing a football in an NFL game, Ponder ran for a touchdown, dragging his up to that point lurid stats into the positive, +3.34.
But wait, hope was not lost. My defenders, the Jacksonville LARP chapter, er, Jaguars, were facing a Pittsburgh Steeler team that was ready for a redemption victory. This is the mighty yellow curtain, the steel towel, a town of well-tanned, well-toned people with no folding chairs on their front lawns. PITT. The mighty Pittsburgh Steelers would show Jacksonville what it’s like be, OH GODAMMIT.
<Greco Roman statue with one nad face palm>
17 points, that’s all you could put up against the Jacksonville freaking Jaguars?
I………… am going to give up for a few days, perhaps get in some LARPing, then regroup for week 6.