Dallas Cowboys back up running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting from a suburban mall Monday night. Randle was charged with a misdemeanor according to Texas police. He was released on bond at 1:20 a.m. Tuesday. Frisco Police Lt. Jason Jenkins said Randle is accused of attempting to steal cologne from Dillard’s in Stonebriar Centre Mall.
A team source said Tuesday evening that the Cowboys would fine Randle an amount that has yet to be determined but will not suspend him. However, the team indicated on Wednesday there would in fact be no fine. The fine, which was initially going to be $29,000, was thrown out when it was discovered that the cologne Randall had stolen was in fact a bottle of Axe body spray.
“What the fuck, does he want to smell like a fat kid at a middle school prom?” said team owner Jerry Jones, “It would be wrong to fine somebody that stupid.”
Quarterback Tony Romo indicated he was very shocked by the whole incident, “He stole Axe? Is he retarded? That shit smells like an armpit.”
Head coach Jason Garrett addressed the media earlier this afternoon in an attempt to diffuse the situation. “He’s an impressionable young man. He was going by those stupid commercials that have all the hot women groping men because they’re wearing Axe. He and I had a good talk in the locker room this morning. Trust me, he’s really sorry. Joseph finally sprayed some Axe and smelled it. He immediately broke down crying. Then he vomited in the sink. Then he dry heaved uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. Then he vomited again. Then he lost control of his bowels, and dry heaved uncontrollably for another 30 minutes. Then he resumed crying. Afterwards, we all agreed that the combination of shit, vomit, bile, and jockstrap smell still had a better scent than Axe.”