Game Day Report

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Rams looking for help at QB, RB, TE, WR, OT, OG, C, FB, DT, DE, LB, FS, SS, CB, PN, AND K

Thursday, September 25th, 2014

On Wednesday, the Rams tried to address some of their needs, namely at QB, RB, TE, WR, OT, OG, C, FB, DT, DE, LB, FS, SS, CB, PN, AND K, via an open tryout, which no doubt turned out fantastic. So, to this week’s reverse fantasy football action.

Conclusion – TAMPA BAY EVEN SUCKS AT SUCKING.

Fist the good – Chad Henne was marvelous (ghastly), completing 4 of 7 passes for 33 yards, getting sacked three times then promptly being benched <pauses to sob gently then wipe tear from eye>. THAT, is how you do it.

My “defense”? Tampa Bay gave up 52 points!!!!!! Does that mean its finally big happy joy week in reverse fantasy Craposlovenia? You would think I should have scored so far into the negative I could see the insides of my own pancreas (?)

WRONG. Tampa scored +6.00. Why? BECAUSE REVERSE FANTASY FOOTBALL IS ACTUALLY DIFFICULT, unlike your stupid normal fantasy league. You can pick a team that gives up 52 and still LOSE.

The Tampa Bay Area Brony Chapter, er, defense recovered 3 fumbles, 2 of which I think they fumbled right back again, and somehow scored a TD. But you know what, FUCK IT – I’m taking the moral victory on this one. If you pick a defense that gives up 52 you should be crowned King Chancellor Deity of Reverse Fantasy Football for the week (Please refer to me as that until Sunday at 1pm, thanks). So, I’m *1-2 and failing miserably at playing with myself. It doesn’t get much darker than this.

Brony Shame

Ok, it clearly could be worse.

– J

Jaguars sign Sherrod Martin and 2 others in effort to keep team shitty

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

The Jaguars are 0-3 and they brought in three players on Tuesday they hope will help keep both the offense and the defense shitty.

The team announced earlier today they have signed safety Sherrod Martin, linebacker Jeremiah George, and tight end Nic Jacobs to their 53-man roster. Though Martin is the only member of the trio with professional experience, all 3 were readily available and shitty.

Martin was a former second-round pick and made 36 starts for them before tearing his ACL in 2012. He didn’t play in the league at all last season but was with the Jaguars this summer. The need for Martin arose when Chris Prosinski hurt his triceps after playing shitty against the Colts. That leaves the Jags with only shitty wide receiver Cecil Shorts and shitty defensive tackle Tyson Alualu to show from their shitty 2010 and 2011 drafts.

Sahid Kahn

– J

Tom Coughlin responds to Adrian Peterson situation

Monday, September 15th, 2014

Many NFL players, assistants and coaches have expressed shock at the indictment of Adrian Peterson for child abuse charges. However, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin went a step further, holding a press conference after Sunday’s loss to address the situation.

“Today’s decision was made after significant thought, discussion and consideration,” Coughlin said. “This is clearly a very important issue. On Friday, we felt it was in the best interests of the organization to step back, evaluate the situation, and not rush to judgment given the seriousness of this matter. To be clear, we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child. This is a difficult path to navigate, and our focus is on doing the right thing. Currently we believe we are at a juncture where the most appropriate next step is to cut Eli Manning.”

Asked how that move related to the Adrian Peterson situation at all, Coughlin continued, “Look, we’re not making the same mistake that we did with Ray Rice. There is no video in this case. There will not be a video in this case. But that does not minimize the severity of this case. Releasing Eli Manning is the right thing to do and we will not delay in doing the right thing.”

Pressed further Coughlin asserted, “Look, I’m not going to take any questions. This is a serious matter and we’ve addressed it how we think appropriate. You may think child abuse is no big deal, but the Giants organization takes it VERY SERIOUSLY. So Eli Manning is no longer a member of this football team.”

Eli Manning Has Been Cut

– J

So the Giants have cut Eli Manning. Meanwhile, on the reverse fantasy football front, THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF TEAM SPORTS GOING BACK TO ORGANIZED PALEOLITHIC ROCK KICKING. First the good. The Chiefs defense – a SOLID 0. Eye of the margay, guys – way to focus. That foundation should have allowed my starting quarterback, um, Austin Davis (?), to propel me way into the negative.

Who is Austin Davis

How did Austin the-belfry-of-capacity Davis perform in his first game against the mighty Tampa 4th Grade Spelling Bee Finalists (Defense)? 235 yards, 0 turnovers. You’re making the baby Tebow cry, Tampa.

The Skin Flute Players, week 2….. +7.10 points.
I’ll right this ship somehow.

Browns hire Wilbert Montgomery

Thursday, February 6th, 2014

The Cleveland front office announced on Thursday the hiring of former Ravens running backs coach Wilbert Montgomery. Montgomery had been with Baltimore for 6 seasons. He also played tailback for the Philadelphia Eagles from 1977 to 1984.

Browns head coach Mike Pettine had this to say about the hire. “We’re looking forward to utilizing Wilbert’s many years of expertise to help improve our backfield. While his experience was certainly one of the factors that we considered when selecting Wilbert, it was mostly because his Raven’s head shot has to be one of the worst photographs I’ve ever seen.”

“As soon as we heard he was available, we had to bring him in.” added general manager Michael Lombardi. “I want every opportunity to post this picture in as many places as I can.” It’s hard to argue the point. His Ravens head shot is terrible. Team reaction was similar.

“It’s horrific, I made it my Facebook picture.” said Browns Pro Bowl receiver Josh Gordon. “I must tweet it out 5 times a day. I mean who took this picture then said ‘Yep, that’s great. We got it. Thanks Wilbert, it will be up on the site in a few minutes. You look fantastic.’ I mean I hope that photographer is in jail somewhere.”

“It’s gruesome. It looks like the bottom of his jaw is about to fall off of his skull.” added quarterback Jason Campbell. “Did they dangle his child out of a window to get that look?” A visibly disturbed Campbell took a moment to collect himself then continued, “He’s a fine looking man in real life, but that picture, man. It looks like he’s in clinical shock. Was it like, ‘Ok Wilbert, look at this picture of a dead puppy getting eaten by a vulture. Now say cheese.’ I just wish I could unsee it. I really can’t talk about it anymore…”

Likely unbeknownst to Campbell, Browns CEO Joe Banner is reportedly considering a billboard outside of First Energy announcing the hire.

– J

Superbowl Challenge – Siri vs. Google Now

Monday, February 3rd, 2014

Hosting a successful Superbowl party can be challenging, so I thought this would be good opportunity to pit the 2 major smart phone voice assistants against each other.

First up, Apple’s Siri.

Me: Siri, what time is the game on?

Siri: The Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos play in Superbowl 48 at 6:30pm eastern standard time.
Me: Thanks Siri.
Siri: Aw, shucks.

And again with Google Now.

Me: Ok google, what time is the game on?

Google Now: It’s currently 5:32 pm EST. The superbowl begins at 6:30 this evening. 10 of the 12 people you invited over have accepted your meeting request. You should probably take those disgusting cocktail weenies out of the crockpot, the ones you make every year and think everyone likes but your gmail contacts refer to as “ass dogs” and “ferret turds in vomit sauce”.

I’m tracking Tom on GPS and he’ll be about 15 minutes late based on current traffic. And yes, he’s bringing his giant asshole wife Brenda who’ll do everything in her power to passive aggressively ruin the entire evening for everyone. Oh and Carol really doesn’t have a work thing tonight, she’s cheating on you with Stan.

Google TV confirms that Puppy Bowl X is scheduled to record, you can secretly watch that later after everyone leaves. Also you should have enough time before everyone gets here to masturbate to that porn site you like so much, you know the one with all the shoes. Here’s hoping no one was in the room when you asked me this. Hey your job just showed up on Monster. Would you like me to schedule an appointment in your parent’s basement 2 weeks from now?

I really hate Android. –J

Google Now: Tell queen bitch of the universe Siri to stick that in her vagina and smoke it.

Jacksonville Florida has run out of medication

Saturday, November 30th, 2013

First things first. Your reverse fantasy football HQ results from week 12 saw me beat the adversary with a brutal (tender) combination of Jason Campbell and the Washington Racists Redskins defense. I didn’t see the game, but I’ve heard at least one report claiming that Jason Campbell gave himself a concussion as a result of getting hit in the head by one of his misfired balls. As to the adversary, I can’t confirm at this point, but he’s either dead or just utterly committed to sticking with Jacksonville on both sides of the ball until the wheels fall off (Of course I hope it’s the latter). Speaking of Jacksonville.

You know I currently reside in Florida. I’ve been to Jacksonville several times. I like Jacksonville. It’s a good looking city and there’s actually quite a bit to do. Plus Amelia Island is right next door. However the residents of Jacksonville have apparently descended into complete madness. I make none of this up:

The City of Jacksonville is organizing a tailgate party for this Thursday night. What follows are actual quotes from a Jacksonville news site.

  • Mayor Alvin Brown said, “Night games are always exciting for Jacksonville. We are a football city that’s always ready for a big game.”
  • “We can’t emphasize enough how important a packed stadium is to us. We have been very impressed with the support that the fans have showed us throughout the season,” said Coach Gus Bradley.
  • “Families are encouraged to bring the kids to the interactive Kids Zone, and anyone with a game ticket will have free access to the Bud Light Beer Garden. The Beer Garden will offer free beer tastings accompanied by games such as the Army / Navy Outdoor Shooting Gallery. More adventurous fans can ride a mechanical bull.” – The Jacksonville Daily Record.

So, let me get all this straight. 5,500 people apparently now counts as a packed stadium in a “football city”. Said “football city” would like me to bring my hypothetical children to an outdoor venue where I will drink copious amounts of Bud Light and engage in small arms fire. Oh and there’s a mechanical bull if that gets boring.

You know, that actually sounds a lot better than what I’m doing tonight. Ok Jacksonville, I’m a fan again – go Jags.

– J

The Factory of Sadness

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

The unfortunate and ill-timed fact that I’m an adult with things like responsibilities prevented me from waiting in line to purchase an XBox One at midnight on Friday.

So, as I sit here endlessly spamming “F5″ at BestBuy.com, each time greeted by the grayed out button that reads “not in stock”, I can appreciate to some extent what it’s like to be a Cleavland Browns fan. Best Buy has no Xbox Ones. Yet I keep returning to their website thinking that I”ll somehow outsmart the Internet and snag myself some holiday joy. Similarly, Cleavland has no chance of winning most weeks, yet Browns fans keep returning to FirstEnergy stadium. I’ve never felt so in touch with Cleveland, Ohio (?)

Speaking of holiday sadness, Matt McGloin scored me 26.24 points last week. IN THE POSITIVE. AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO MATT MCGLOIN IS. Needless to say, I lost week 11.

The adversary and I are yet again but 1 game apart. He’s all in on the Jacksonville wounded kittens. I am staying with the Washington Racists Redskins on defense and I unite with my sadness factory brethren by starting Jason Campbell.

You know who could have stood in line until midnight last night with no adverse lifestyle effects at all? Tim Couch, Brian Hoyer, and Brandon Weeden. Way to not do me a solid guys. Oh well, guess it’s another round of River Raid until football starts.

– J

How?

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

Henne and McGloin each have a TD pass already.

No I’m not drunk.

– J

All your base are belong to, uh, Matt McGloin

Saturday, November 16th, 2013

There’s few things as special in the reverse fantasy football universe as never having heard of your starting quarterback. As that’s the case this week, I’ve decided to do a bit more than just mock the way his name sounds, and get to know my field general du jour a bit further.

Matthew James McGloin was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania in 1983 and attended Penn State University. Ok, who cares. I tried. His name sounds like a seasonal loose meat sandwich. The McGloin is back, for limited a time (until we run out of tripe).

So I won (won) again this week. We’re actually seeing some disparity this year at Suckleague HQ. Ever since what’s his name singed on at the beginning of last season, we’ve been disturbingly close (in points scored). However this week I find myself up 2 games. Another win this week and dare I say time to panic Mr. Sary?

The war, as they say, rages on.

Henne. McGloin.

Make us proud sons.

– J

Tampa Bay Buccaneers thrilled to be 8-0 with moral victories

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

The Buccaneers once again played their hearts out on Sunday against the Seattle Seahawks, and the best effort they could muster wasn’t enough to win an NFL game. However they are a perfect 8-0 on the season when it comes to moral victories.

“This is huge, I mean man, for us to come out here and play our butts off and show our support for coach Schiano, and just miss the win, it’s special”, explained Buccaneers running back Mike James with a big smile on his face, “This is a team moral win”.

“It felt awesome”, exclaimed a bright eyed Greg Schiano, “This is huge moral win for these guys and well deserved. There’s a lot of good things that will show up on the tape. Morally running the ball, morally stopping the run. Once we calmed down, the defense was morally outstanding. This is a signature moral win.”

The sentiment from Seattle was understandably not as positive. “I mean sure, we’re 8-1 and we won a close game and first in our division and all that, but it just feels kind of empty. You’ve got to morally hand it to them”, said a despondent Richard Sherman. “This will sting for a bit.”

“It’s shocking to me,” Pete Carroll added. “I thought we were way better than this morally, but clearly not. It’s something we’ll work on this week.”

– J