Game Day Report

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Who?

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

Is this for real? And yes of course I started him.

–J

Suckleague Reverse Fantasy Football Pointless Observations Division Presents

Sunday, October 27th, 2013

Wes Welker, Danny Amendola, and Danny Woodhead would like to remind you that Tom Brady overwhelming prefers throwing to short white guys. And the majority of the time, Tom Brady prefers throwing the ball to short white guys named Danny.

So there’s that.

– J

A Game for the Ages (Pop Warner Edition)

Monday, October 21st, 2013

The Giants are looking to bounce back from a godawful 0-6 start. I see no reason to believe this will occur other than that they play the Vikings of Minnesota. Minnesota is hoping to build on their one (1) win by turning to Josh Freeman as quarterback.

Yeah, that will fix it.

Don’t forget I am a Tampa fan (shut up) in the social world and I know what Josh Freeman is capable of. Josh Freeman will play 4 competent games a year then utterly melt down during the other 12. But let’s not dwell on any potential positives. It’s bottomless Tums night at the Monday Night Football producer’s house. Most dependable call for this game is the Nielsen ratings will be in the negative.

Needless to say, tonight the surviving members of the 72 dolphins, are doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

Ok, what in the name of sweet baby Horus is that? They need a quarterback dude, not a Michael Jackson impersonator.

Whatever, shake your body down to the ground if that works for you.

- J

Are Ya Car Keys In Your Khakis? (Say it out loud)

Thursday, October 17th, 2013

This weekend the New England Patriots will be without Jerod Mayo, Aqib Talib, and of course Vince Wolfork.
Uh oh…

But wait! Not uh oh….

I know, I know, one week he sucks, the next week he plays well, then he’s appalling, then he looks like he might be the Jets’ long term answer, then the next week he’s flat out repugnant. I guess the part of me that suspects Geno Smith really does suck refuses to die. Time will tell, but I’m calling it, the Pats have nothing to worry about this week.

Oh and I’m not buying it Brady. Need I remind you who your banging this evening?

Exactly. Like you’re in a bad mood ever.

-J

The 12th man lives in Arizona

Thursday, October 17th, 2013

Carson Palmer has 11 interceptions thus far in 2013. After tonight, I’m hopeful it’s 621.
Man. What is up with that face? Quest for Fire called, they need some more extras.
Yeah I’ve got to update my references.

Week 3: the 2014 NFL Draft

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Well, looks like the Cleaveland Brownze have already thrown in the towel on this season so we may as well talk about who they’ll be drafting in the draft. I know I used the same word twice in the space of 4 words, it’s ok–no one’s going to notice because no one will actually read this.

In any case, Adam Schefter is reporting that the CLeaveland Broese (I’m not even going to bother correcting my poor typing when I write the name of the CLeve;ane Broewns) will likely select the relatively unknown quarterback out of Ikea University, Turd Bjorkland. If the Browsn can exceed all expectations and land the first pick of the 2014 draft, Turd would be quite a coup. He’s been dominating the bookcase and endtable field like no other quarterback in history, and as you can see by this IU file photo he undoubtedly he has the physique of a champion (architect). Black is very slimming.


Perhaps the BRewns are planning a redesign of their locker rooms, or they need some more sensible storage for their administrative offices. The possibilities are endless, and maybe they can write a discount on meatball platters with lingonberry jam into Turd’s contract.


So much to look forward to (shield our eyes from).

But back in this 2013 Suckleague season, we still have something to live for…but just barely.  Last week (week 2, for those of you that have trouble counting to 2), Andy Reid’s Navel (the team, not the actual navel) had a decent (horrid) week based mainly on the misfortune (fortune) of ARN’s adversary, the Adversary’s Adversary’s team 50 Shades of Flaccid. Initially ARN was disappointed to have missed the opportunity to select the Tampa Bay defense, but Christian Ponder and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense (“defense”) really came through (pooped the bed) for ARN.

So for week 3 (for those of you that have trouble remembering what comes after 2), even though the Jags somehow recorded 3 sacks and a fumble recovery–ARN is sticking with them. And we’ve also drafted with confidence (confidence) the current Clevensland BRowns quarterback, Brain Hoyer, who has ascended the throne (toilet) after the questionable (totally deserved) benching of Braylon Weenen. Should be a great (awful) performance against the stout Vikings defense.

Wait, HOLD ON A SECOND…Hoser has thrown two touchdowns through the mid-2nd quarter? My internet must be sending me junk data–I’m going to have to call Time Warner. I’m sure everything will straighten itself out and get better (descend the wheelchair ramp to futility) in the second half.

Cheers,
The Adversary (Bjorn Borg)

The Wisdom of Rex Ryan

Saturday, August 24th, 2013

I’ll borrow some from Jewish mythology to make my point here.

Two women are brought before Rex Ryan, each claiming a baby belongs to them (said nobody ever).

Rex Ryan suggests the baby be cut in half and each half be given to the either of the two women. The first woman (being a Pats fan) has no problem with this plan. The second woman begs Rex Ryan to not cut the baby in half, and also to not jeopardize the Jets season by putting Mark Sanzchez in the 4th quarter of a meaningless pre-season game.

Rex Ryan responds by putting Mark Sanchez in only to get a shoulder injury. Both women conclude that both Geno Smith and Mark Sanchez suck and that Rex Ryan is an idiot. They also come to the realization that the baby in question is actually a cheese steak and Rex Ryan is addicted to fatty foods. And they lived happily ever after (?)

Back to reality, it really looks like Geno Smith is going to be the Jets starter week one of the actual NFL season. I just (euphorically) threw up in my mouth a little.

Look, I’m all for sexual fetishes, and quite flexible in this area, but the combination of Rex Ryan and this woman’s feet have officially turned me off permanently.

– J

ALL WILL BE EXPLAINED by Blow Football

Monday, December 31st, 2012

I’m up way past my bedtime this evening after driving several hours and several hundred miles today and I haven’t taken a look at the Suckleague scoreboard, though I know the games’ results (none of which I could actually watch). Unfortunately I was looking at antique American art, decorative arts and furniture all day today–things just like “Blow Football,” I assure you. Ok, full disclosure: Blow Football isn’t even in the same galaxy. Sorry, Blow Football…I’m writing this on the toilet and this is neither the time nor the place to be untruthful.

I had only enough time to change my team’s name to the completely awesome and original Chicken Apocalypso. Sounds like the new Macarena, right??? We haven’t had enough juicy unattributed quotes from Anonymous Jets sources to make that team name relevant any longer–it’s all out in the open….but SOMEHOW Mark Sanchez got the starting nod this week for them after an entire season of futility. I was looking forward facing McLemore for another week. At various times this season I’ve thought that the Jets were trying to win our Suckleague. Guys, let me clue you in: YOU’RE REAL.

Tangential rant over. I also had time to switch out my team. So Thaddeus Lewis of the Cleveland Browns answered the bell for Chicken Calypso this week–for his first ever NFL start, against the Steelers. Sounds great–I couldn’t even find a picture of him with a head! The Kansas City Chiefs defense was there for the taking as well–they’ve been a bottomless, yet nutritious, pool of misery for us this year.

Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso has stormed back from a seemingly unassailable summit of glory to level the score through week 16. An incredible comeback of fantasy and gridiron ineptitude! What could happen! Brady Quinn vs. Thad Lewis! KC vs. Miami “defenses!” This is it, avert your eyes!

Here’s hoping: That the Apocalypso will perform a horribly cliche caribbean mango dance on the grave of the Apocalypse. That The Adversary will triumph over The Adversary’s Adversary. That The Adversary’s Adversary has considered this experiment a successful one–regardless of today’s outcome and despite The Adversary’s self-imposed and inadvertent exile (that’s an apology without saying “I’m sorry for not writing more”)–damn i just apologized. That a cheap copy of BLOW FOOTBALL surfaces on Craigslist. That 2013 sucks even harder, deeper, and longer than 2012. (We’ll have to work at it because this year was so awful, but with some Adderall, strawberry weight gainer shakes, a framed portrait of Romeo Crennel, and a bean burrito hidden in the glove compartment of a 1983 Chrysler LeBaron, we’ve got a chance to finish in the negative.)

Tomorrow morning before breakfast I’ll check the final scores. Until then, Happy New Year.
–Comfort Wipes/Anonymous Jets/Chicken Apocalypso

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THIS IS

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

WhoAmI

– J

Do Over

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

Let me get this out of the way. I was in Publix earlier this evening and I noticed that John Skelton is now a Red Baron pizza box model:

JohnSkeltonPizza

Of course, he played ghastly last week, -18 something. While I expect him to be fired at some point in the near future, I have to admire his forward-thinking-ness-man-ship in already scoring a gig with Red Baron. Ryan Lindley is playing detestable football as well, but I doubt he has the name recognition of a John Skelton (?) to land something this big. Frankly, if Arizona could stick with one quarterback, either the adversary or myself would be 15-0 right now, but they keep changing out the position.

For dinner this evening, I decided to pull the trigger on the John Skelton pizza. I did my best to come up with a suitable side dish. After some debate, I naturally went with fuyu persimmons:

WTF

So I sat down to enjoy my meal of John Skelton pizza and fuyu persimmons (said nobody at all in the history mankind) and consider week 15.

True story, I went to swap out Philadelphia’s defense at 8:21 PM on Thursday evening. The game hadn’t started by a longshot, however Yahoo was adamant in insisting the game had started at 8:20 PM and that I couldn’t have Tampa’s defense. I call BS on this and demand a do-over.

You could make the argument that only 6 year olds request a do-over and you’d be correct for the most part. Frankly you’d be correct in every instance. However that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t win and there must be some way to correct that.

Am I being delusional to some (every) extent? Probably (without question). And really, even though Tampa’s defense was worth a vulgar -13.00, Christen Ponder scored me 10.62 and I couldn’t on any level recover from the adversary’s disgusting -9.32 performance this week.
So going into reverse fantasy football week 16, it’s still anybody’s season (keeping in mind that if the adversary wins, it doesn’t really count)

– J