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Wideout Harry Douglas returns to Falcons practice, still has whitest name ever

Friday, October 24th, 2014

The Atlanta Falcons may finally be getting some good news regarding an injured player. Wide receiver Harry Douglas, who missed four games due to a foot injury, has made the trip to London with the team and participated in Thursday’s practice.

We asked Douglas how it was going and he explained “I am a proud African American man….. named Harry Douglas. How do think its going?”

The Falcons have been positively decimated by injuries this year. Asked to comment on the fact that he’s finally getting at least one playmaker back from injury, head coach Mike Smith said “Is he the fat white guy that played right tackle? If so, that’s great; our offensive line is in bad shape.”

Harry’s return should take some of the load off of Julio Jones. Jones added, “Harry Douglas? Sounds like a white dude that sells shit. I suppose you think coach’s name is DaQwan Smith. Get out of my face snowflake.”

Turning our attention to reverse fantasy football, it’s been a bit since we’ve had a Suckleague update. I can safely report I’m HALF doing well every week. Cases in points… case in points… cases in point… (here’s what the fuck has been happening)

Week 6 saw Oakland’s defense collapse spectacularly against San Diego, yielding me a stout -6.00 points. However, Derek Carr threw 4 touchdowns. Let me type that again – Derek Carr threw 4 touchdowns netting me 33.44. Obviously we won’t speak of week 6 any longer.

Week 7 witnessed Teddy Bridgewater throw 2 picks and get sacked 5 times. And yes, even though at one point he became disoriented and scored a touchdown, he still posted a very respectable 0.84. All I needed was a decently fetid defensive performance and I’d finally be in the red. As the Bengals have been in free fall for a few weeks now, I thought the Colts would show them a healthy trouncing. And they did, gingerly beating Andy Dalton (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) and the rest of the Cincinnati Ballerinos 27-0. HOWEVER, they recovered 2 fumbles and registered 2 sacks generating a rather douchey +7.00.

On to week 8 – the quest for horror continues.

Cincinnati Bengals Defense

– J

NFL to discipline Geno Smith after F-bomb usage

Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

Rex Ryan and Geno Smith sat down Monday to discuss the postgame incident Sunday, when Smith cursed out a fan. “It’s a mistake and I don’t think it will happen again to Geno,” Ryan said. Smith is facing discipline from the NFL this week after the incident, for unsportsmanlike conduct by a first-time offender.

“I’m aware that my actions, that what I did is not right, so I am subject to a discipline”, Smith said. “Whatever the ramifications will be, I will accept them.”

Roger Goodell worked to close the matter quickly, making both Smith and the Jets organization aware of his decision in a statement released early Thursday. “Geno needs to represent the NFL better. The fans and especially children should not be exposed to such behavior. We hope Geno can learn from this experience and move forward quickly. So, on Friday, Geno Smith will be fined $1,500. And his left hand will be cut off.”

The statement continued “Now I know some of you might think this a bit harsh, but I assure you, both myself and our attorneys have based this decision on a thorough review of the collective bargaining agreement as well as some loopholes we found in Islamic law. Initially I wanted Geno Smith stoned to death, but the NFLPA took issue with that. A multi-game suspension was also considered, but both sides eventually agreed that the combination of severing his left hand in public, as well as a fine of $1,500, would teach Mr. Smith a valuable lesson.”

As if we needed more evidence that Roger Goodell is insane, there you go.

Roger Goodell Is Insane

On to this week’s negative fantasy football action.

Week 4 saw the Skin Flute Players go with Jacksonville on defense and the not at all aptly named “Titans” quarterback Charlie Lyndhurst (I think). So buckle in – next stop Negativazakhstan…..

Defense: Jacksonville’s defense was dependable and deplorable as always, collapsing like the champions they are and yielding a very solid -5.00 in their “performance” against San Diego. Philp Rivers and his 78 children and counting were all able to score with ease against this unit.

QB: You have got to be kidding me. Charlie – Jesus holding a clipboard – Whitehurst absolutely profaned my best efforts. While he had pick, 3 sacks, and lost a fumble, he also threw a touchdown for, I don’t know, moral reasons? The sun got in his eyes and he accidentally threw the ball to a Titan? Someone in Tennessee actually wore shirt under their denim coveralls and that confused him? Ugh.

+ 3.94

Whatever Charlie Whitehead. Sure I have no opponent this year and I can’t even get close to 0, but that just strengthens my resolve. I’m calling it (i.e., this won’t happen under any circumstances), as sure as Philip Rivers’ wife is either pregnant or soon to be pregnant or was pregnant a short time ago or just found out she’s pregnant even though she’s been pregnant for 6 months already, next week there will be a minus in front of my score.

– J

Playing with myself

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

So here at reverse fantasy football central, I’ve emerged victorious this year. Though it’s not without an asterisk. No, I’ve not been pumping myself full of Yak steroids again like 2003 (allegedly). However, the adversary skipped quite a few games this year.

Apparently being “the adversary” is one of the most difficult jobs in the universe. I struggle to understand this, but frankly I don’t need an opponent anyway. I’m in this for one thing. Glory. And Pride. Sure, I’d rather play against an actual person, but I’m no stranger to applying the hand brake. Many a week it’s just me, making the bald man puke, and those are the weeks when it matters. You, and your personal best, shaking hands with Yul Brynner.

Choking Richard and dating Miss Michigan for nothing but the pure satisfaction of venturing deep into the negative.

Yes, it’s been one of those years. Numerous weeks found me giving myself the low five after electing the president (?). Bludgeoning Henry Longfellow for NOTHING but the interpersonal experience of the WIN. Yes, there’s no room for fear when the true adversary is yourself. And those are the weeks that Suckleague is made of. Solitary. Comforted only by the lonely glare of a 60 inch LCD TV, teaching Patrick Stewart to Mambo.

Champion. I.

– J

Week 6 in the books

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

Some points to the adversary’s points:

#1) Where on earth did you find a Torg Bjorkland selfie?

#4) You can poke fun at the counting thing all that you want, but it’s only funny until I get a handle on it which I no doubt will inevitably do. Tonight might just be that night….. 2, 1, 3, blastoff! (DAMMIT)

Whatever, here’s some mathology I am certain of: One of us finally scored into the negative, and it was truly yours at -10.20. Chad Henne was disgusting and Oakland’s defense was even worser (-3.20 and -7.00 respectively). I absolutely waylaid the adversary -10.2 to his positive 12.2. As satisfying as this is, I couldn’t be more pissed at Brian Hoyer. Let’s break this down:

Team fantastic (me):
Chad Henne -3.20
Oakland -7.00

Team broken condom laying behind a dumpster (the adversary):
Jacksonville -6.00
Brain Hoyer: 340.00

Clearly one of these things is not like the other. This could have easily been a record low scoring week and as much as I want the win, I would have much preferred Brian Hoyer live up to his name (Brian Hoyer). Look, the adversary’s picks were spot on, frankly better than mine, i.e., how in the fudge does Brian Hoyer throw for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns? If Brian Hoyer was Julia Roberts then the Vikings defense was the bald store manager kissing her ass because she has Richard Gere’s credit card. And wow that was the worst analogy I’ve ever put forward. If that analogy was a character from Inception, it would have been Mal. And all my analogies that aren’t that analogy would be Saito. Hmm.

Well, as expected tonight’s prose has catastrophically jumped off the tracks and plunged into the abyss. Where was I? (as if it matters at this point) Oh week 3 (DAMMIT 4).

I’m pulling the trigger on the Eagles defense, as Chip Kelly likes to keep them on the field for 54 minutes of every game. And for the moment I’m throwing my saddle on Carson Palmer as the Arizona offensive line is, well isn’t.

In closing, if this ending was a planet, it would be Pluto. And I’m out. In more ways that you can imagine.

- J

Week 3: the 2014 NFL Draft

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Well, looks like the Cleaveland Brownze have already thrown in the towel on this season so we may as well talk about who they’ll be drafting in the draft. I know I used the same word twice in the space of 4 words, it’s ok–no one’s going to notice because no one will actually read this.

In any case, Adam Schefter is reporting that the CLeaveland Broese (I’m not even going to bother correcting my poor typing when I write the name of the CLeve;ane Broewns) will likely select the relatively unknown quarterback out of Ikea University, Turd Bjorkland. If the Browsn can exceed all expectations and land the first pick of the 2014 draft, Turd would be quite a coup. He’s been dominating the bookcase and endtable field like no other quarterback in history, and as you can see by this IU file photo he undoubtedly he has the physique of a champion (architect). Black is very slimming.


Perhaps the BRewns are planning a redesign of their locker rooms, or they need some more sensible storage for their administrative offices. The possibilities are endless, and maybe they can write a discount on meatball platters with lingonberry jam into Turd’s contract.


So much to look forward to (shield our eyes from).

But back in this 2013 Suckleague season, we still have something to live for…but just barely.  Last week (week 2, for those of you that have trouble counting to 2), Andy Reid’s Navel (the team, not the actual navel) had a decent (horrid) week based mainly on the misfortune (fortune) of ARN’s adversary, the Adversary’s Adversary’s team 50 Shades of Flaccid. Initially ARN was disappointed to have missed the opportunity to select the Tampa Bay defense, but Christian Ponder and the Jacksonville Jaguars defense (“defense”) really came through (pooped the bed) for ARN.

So for week 3 (for those of you that have trouble remembering what comes after 2), even though the Jags somehow recorded 3 sacks and a fumble recovery–ARN is sticking with them. And we’ve also drafted with confidence (confidence) the current Clevensland BRowns quarterback, Brain Hoyer, who has ascended the throne (toilet) after the questionable (totally deserved) benching of Braylon Weenen. Should be a great (awful) performance against the stout Vikings defense.

Wait, HOLD ON A SECOND…Hoser has thrown two touchdowns through the mid-2nd quarter? My internet must be sending me junk data–I’m going to have to call Time Warner. I’m sure everything will straighten itself out and get better (descend the wheelchair ramp to futility) in the second half.

Cheers,
The Adversary (Bjorn Borg)

Everyone is Mr. Irrelevant

Friday, September 13th, 2013

So the Suckleague draft took place online last week via email. Riveting. The only thing we have going for us is that the players we want will be available when we’re ready to draft. Also we had available to us a fine selection of fonts–but not too much choice as to be overwhelming. Though I would have appreciated a little Garamond Bold.

May I say that an email draft is something special to take part in sometime in your life–put it on your 100,000,000 things to do before you die list, somewhere around 99,999,998. Just before the “watch Mark Sanchez butt fumble 2 video” and “clean Andy Reid’s navel.”

Round 1. Geno Smith. There’s no way that the guy that probably could not beat out the Sanchize for a starting NFL job (see several previous posts; see also any google result set for “butt fumble”) would have a good week against the supposedly stout Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. However, no one told me that the Bucs would bring back their defense from the 1980s that lost 5,409 games in a row–leading Geno to post a decent week, which anyone could have done by going out there and breathing.

Round 2. Buffalo Bills defense: some injuries and a matchup against the supposedly high-powered New England offense spells trouble (mondo points). But NE looks anemic and they’ve got all these 3-year-old receivers more concerned with their toy trucks and diaper changes than actually CATCHING the ball. So Buffalo did ok too. We’re going to have to make some changes around here–these performances are just too good. Our fan demands more (futility).

The Adversary’s Adversary’s draft: Terrelle Pryor and the Oakland Raiders. I have to admit I’m fearful of the disaster potential residing in my opponent’s roster–going all-in with the Oakland Raiders is a bold, albeit completely logical, move because they are so amazing(ly terrible). Plus, owning an Oakland Raiders tie is on my bucket list, although I think if I actually wore it to work I’d be fired before I reached my desk.

On to Week 2, where I inexplicably dropped Geno in favor of Christian Ponder. I felt OK about it until the 4th quarter of Thursday night’s game when Geno threw 3 interceptions. Poppycock.

One thing left to do is come up with a name. I’m still thinking.

Best regards,
The Adversary

Pain. Old pain.

Monday, November 19th, 2012

For dinner this evening I had the following items: 6 frozen PF Changs chicken and vegetable dumplings, and a bowl of Peanut Butter Crunch. Suffice to say I didn’t feel like cooking, or thinking about, or spending any time whatsoever on dinner. However, each of these items delivered about at the level I expected. Nothing gourmet, but dinner was achieved and I’m reasonable satisfied. If I had to pick, the Peanut Butter Crunch clearly outperformed the dumplings.

Which brings me to Byron Leftwich. Byron Leftwich played like crap last night. He threw for 201 yards, was sacked 3 times, fumbled, threw an interception, and completed 46% of his passes.

That’s terrible by any measure.

However, Byron Leftwich also did this bizarre, hard to intentionally forget impression of some sort of middle aged bumble bee, lumbering past several clueless Raven defenders, “scrambling” to the most pointless touchdown I’ve ever seen, with all the grace of Frankenstein’s monster, provided Frankenstein’s monster had a 2×4 stuck up his ass.

Byron Leftwich Frankenstein

It was dreadful. It resulted in both a tweet and an email to the adversary with the same single word title – “Seriously?”. (He did promptly reply to both with absolutely nothing that made me feel better.) It was tragic. Like tragic in a really Greek way. Tragic like in a your grandson gets decapitated then your family gets exiled kind of way. (I said really Greek, that’s a valid comparison)

It was the only bright spot in a performance that would have had the whole of Athens circa 2500 years ago making up new awards:

  • Matt Cassel: 1.46. Throw for 93 yards, get sacked, fumble, then get benched.
  • Oakland Defense: -7.00. Surrender 32 points. Do not record even one sack or fumble.
  • Indianapolis Defense: -14.00. Give up forty seven points.

In the end the adversary pasted me, -12.54 to 2.72. But I’ll defend my choice of Leftwich all day long. Why? Well I was present for, and had to endure, the greatest offense to human competition ever. In late 2008, Jon Gruden was fired as the head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. His replacement, Raheem Morris, having served as DC at Kansas State University, wisely had some input in drafting Josh Freeman. However, in his first decision as head coach, he chose to sit Freeman for a bit and allow him to, uh, “learn” (I assume learning by observing what not to do) by having a highly publicized, and frankly a blatantly horrifying competition of who would be the starting quarterback, between Luke McCown and Byron Leftwich. (I’ll save you the time, no typos on this page, Luke McCown and Byron Leftwich).

It was a painful preseason to say the least. I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say, one would be awful, the next would be awful, on and on, ad nauseam. By mid-season, both had been taken out behind the barn and shot, and Freeman has led the team since. I don’t know who the professional football team is in your city, but that experience left a mark. The competition was an affront to sport. It made my tandem of PF Changs frozen dumplings and Peanut Butter Crunch look like surf and turf at Peter Luger (thought I forgot about the dinner transition, didn’t you?)

OH, and so either I fired the adversary and there’s a new adversary or the adversary changed the name of his team. I’m not going to speculate. I figure he / she / they will let me know. But I’ll close by saying I witnessed Byron Leftwich do things in a Buccaneers uniform that I’ll really never be able to totally erase from my memory. Remember that year the Browns couldn’t figure out if their starter was going to be Derek Anderson or Charlie Frye? I wish I was a Browns fan in 2009.

The only image I can think appropriate for this post is a 1986 Ford Escort EXP John Kerry. He competed for starting president once. Perhaps you will know even a small part of my pain:

Not a good QB or candidate

– J

An Apology

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

I have no desire to reveal my true identity. Why? I could NOT deal with the Suckleague paparazzi camping out on my driveway every morning. However, I will say I work in information technology. I do a fair amount of database and software engineering and, wait… Dammit, I may have said too much already.

WHOSE GODDAMN HUMMER KEEPS TURNING AROUND IN THE CUL DE SAC?

Anyway, as such I’m active on many geek newsgroups and blogs, and at any given time have several online pet projects going to assist my techno brethren.

OH SO WAIT, before I go anywhere with this, I have to apologize for the Adversary and really Suckleague as a whole. I found his last series of posts disturbing and frankly disgusting. All the talk of bathrooms, gravy laden “French fries”, and Mexican food stuffed in condoms, this has no place at Suckleague. This is a family friendly site, and if you and your children gathered around the monitor during the last few days, I wholeheartedly apologize for his lewd conduct.

I’ll now quote from the Suckleague by-laws which, of course, once the adversary signed on as the adversary, he was required to memorize:

Section 5.2: Content Guidelines

Suckleague.com, as a family friendly reverse fantasy football website, strictly prohibits excessive vulgarity. Examples of this include, but are not limited to:

- Bathrooms and leaders of men mentioned in the same sentence
- Combining any reference to a “quagmire” with the future release of a Blackberry operating system (?)
- Any commentary on pirating an internet connection for the sole purpose of viewing explicit images of cheese, bathrooms, Tom Brady, or foods rich in carbohydrates used to fill prophylactics.

I’ll admit, I don’t recall writing any of that, but the by-laws don’t lie. SO CLEAN IT UP.

So back to what I was talking about before all the filth. Recently I put a quick utility online that automates some specialized code generation and today (I swear I’m not making this up: http://www.buildmystring.com), one of our friends from India left the following comment:

“I find very kind your tool. Thank you. With best regard”

See? WHOLESOME! Not that difficult, is it?

As foul mouth indicated, he won week 10. I’m still in shock. Buffalo’s defense was flawless for me, scoring a -13.00. Negative fucking 13. (It’s ok, it’s after 10pm and most kids are asleep, so I can use the F word.) I could have started just about any other quarterback and won. Naturally, I chose Sam Bradford and his stupid 21.70 performance leaping me ahead of team profanity by 3 points.

Looking ahead, make no mistake. RIM’S JOB is clear (RIM was possessive in that case, get your mind out of the gutter):

1) Reestablish the integrity of Suckleague.com. Your family deserves the trust, credibility, and values it’s come to expect here, and I WILL strive to bring them back.

2) Tear the adversary a second asshole next week.

- J

Chimichanga

Week 10 Make-up pix

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

Since my computer crashed on Saturday morning, I had to wait until today (and my return to work) in order to upload the pictures I intended to post in my most recent entry. I hear it’s up for a Pulitzer, so I better get these online right away.

My only regret, and one I’m sure I’ll remember on my death bed, is that I was unable to find an image of a chimichanga inside a condom. Although maybe that will be easier now that it’s required in LA County. (Don’t worry, I feel completely secure in my job while doing this at work.)

Also … HOLY CRAP, I won the week. I was certain last night that I didn’t because Buffalo was so atrocious and the Steel-belted Radials only scored 16 on KC. I don’t have cable, my pirate internet was inaccessible, and I was hosting a “guest” who would not stop talking, so I had no idea what happened last night except for occasionally checking the score when I “had to go to the bathroom.” Thanks, Sam Bradford, for showing up–I don’t think you’re worthy of the Blackberry 10 any longer, but that’s not my call to make.

–Chief Wipe

Since thou hast forsaken me, Romeo, thou art dead to me in Week 4

Sunday, September 30th, 2012

I’m back–spent my week in Ibiza celebrating my Week 2 victory. Because what Italian model doesn’t love a Suckleague General Manager? All you have to do at the entrance to the club is whisper “Suckleague” and the velvet ropes magically part. Plus a Week 2 Suckleague win is all I’ve got right now, so I’ve got to work it hardcore. And IT WAS A VICTORY, I would like to remind our reader. Don’t let the RIM Super PAC’s TV-ad-and-dinnertime-robocall onslaught convince you otherwise. There are no moral victories in Suckleague: it’s a zero-sum game.

-0.24 = 1 win

Week 3 at 4 pm I thought I had it in the bag despite the fact that New Orleans was out-sucking my Chiefs Defense–then The Hail Mary from Shawn White to Young MC was completed, busting a move to push Detroit’s offense over 35 points and giving The Adversary’s Adversary a hole too dark and dank to crawl out of, i.e., Week 3 glory. I really expected better from thee, Romeo. Thou even had overtime to make it right.

–Week 4 locker room pep talk–
Well Comfort Wipes is not going to let a decent performance by the Chiefs Defense ruin our season. We’ve got a lot of sucking left to do here, several weeks of it. We’re only down by one. And number two is our specialty. Especially if you have to clean yourself hygienically in those hard-to-reach areas.

Anyway, Tannehill, you looked good (crappy) last week. You won the quarterback battle, but Branson has already put up some good (despicable) numbers this week against Baltimore. Time to show everyone what you can (can’t) do. I’m trusting you to come out swinging (whimpering) against a good Cardinals defense (can you believe that’s a real phrase?).

Carolina, you’re new to the Comfort Wipes phenomenon. You got a good Atlanta team in their house this week–it’s your time to shine (implode)–give them everything you’ve got (let them walk all over you).

COMFORT WIPES PRIDE!!!
(in our soft flexible head that grips toilet paper, tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely)

–The Adversary