Post Mortem

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Playing with myself

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012

I had a very good (good) year in my Suckleague. I’d have to recheck the math but I think I won 12 of the 17 weeks. The adversary took this like a man (a sobbing pre-teen).

Last week, he took his football and went home. I even texted him on Saturday reminding him to finish strong, as it’s all about glory now. (I may have also called him Judy or Phyllis.) Look, every week is a chance to strap your boots on, climb that hill, and heave a damn javelin at the hoard of incoming Persians. EARN THESE SHIELDS BOYS!

Yeah, so the adversary did the opposite of that, didn’t even mail it in, and I won by default. He can’t even claim his “Ribbon of Participation – everyone’s a winner!” I actually did well too, the one-two punch of T.J. Yates and Tampa Bay’s “defense” (fragile boys choir) was worth a solid -1.20. Any week in the negative is a good week.

So another glorious regular season is in the history books. But make sure you stay tuned; next up will be this years “Suckies”, honoring 2011′s outstanding (appalling) players and their outstanding (gruesome) performances. I can hand the first one out now: For his week 17 non-performance, the 2011 “Eye of the Kitten” award goes to – the Adversary.

ICanHazShame

Nuts roasting on fires and that kind of thing

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Merry Holidays from reverse fantasy football central, here’s hoping you had a joyous Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or day off. Indeed it’s a very special time of year to be a Christian or Jew or African-American or Agnostic. Here at Suckleague HQ, we had the traditional annual holiday viewing of the best Christmas movie ever. Of course I’m talking about Die Hard.

I am astonished at how well this movie has held up for the last 20 years, and I expect it will be just as exceptional in another 20. This movie has:

-          The best villain ever: Hans Gruber

-          The best weasel ever: Richard Thornburg (the reporter guy if you’re out of practice)

-          The best coked out sleaze ball salesman ever: Harry Ellis.

-          And the best a**hole in all of filmdom: Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson.

Not to mention Bruce Willis in his breakout role and an endless stream of things blowing up to holiday music.

Speaking of things blowing up in destructive balls of fire, there’s the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. They yielded me an absurd -13.00, 1 sack and 1 point short of Suckleague perfection. Josh Mccown however was very disappointing. After a solid start with 2 interceptions, he threw for a bunch of yards and also a touchdown and a 2 point conversion, well into the positive with 11.80. I ended the week in the negative, albeit barely, at -1.80. The adversary, with the combo of Kellen Clemens / Kansas City defense and their resulting 6.80, couldn’t overcome Tampa’s defensive performance (afternoon nap).

You might say Tampa’s defense was his “poison pill” and my “white knight”. Sorry…

Nail Biter

Monday, December 12th, 2011

I’m going to start at the end. I won the week. BY 0.2 POINTS. Yep, the smallest margin possible.

Let’s go to the timeline.

Early Sunday: I park my ass at TGIFridays with a buddy of mine and his wife, 10 HDTVs are at my disposal. As are 6 pot stickers and a blue cheese wedge. The adversary is parked on the couch at, adversary-land (I’ll work on a better name for his place), NFL Red Zone poised to take him to any and every scoring play.

The supporting cast:
Team Me: QB – Tyler Palko. “Defense” – The Washington Redskins.
Team smelly stupid retarded: QB – Dan Orlovsky. “Defense” – The Tennessee Titans.

Sometime later: I am killing it. New England has hung 20 on Washington in the first half, and Tyler Palko is playing like he’s going to get his head coach fired. (Too soon?) He’s thrown for something like 13 yards in the entire first half, has thrown a pick, and is getting sacked with regularity. Meanwhile, Orlovsky is playing bad enough, but not breaking any reverse fantasy football records. The big news is Tennessee’s defense; they’ve held the Saints to 6 points in the first half! I am sitting pretty, well into the negative, while the adversary is over +10.

Some point after that: Hmm, Orlovsky just keeps getting worse and worse. Thankfully, the Titans aren’t letting the Saints score 50 or anything, but they are slowly giving up touchdowns. Then IT happens. PALKO garbage time TD. And the Saints keep scoring. I check the scores, I’M DOWN (UP) 6 POINTS NOW.

A point that came a bit after the previous point: I’M SCREWED. Washington’s defense is my only chance. That or Orlovsky can throw a touchdown of his own, but that’s never going to happen. In Suckleague standard scoring, if your defense gives up 28-34, it’s worth -7. Give up 35+ and it’s worth -14. Washington has given up 28 at this point. One more New England touchdown is my only chance. New England just can’t get it done though. I’m about to give up hope.

Right after I gave up hope: DAN FREAKING ORLOVSKY, GARBAGE TIME TOUCHDOWN. I have new life. I pick hope up off the floor and put it back on the bar. But is it enough? I refresh Yahoo the 30 times it takes to get an update between 3pm and 4pm on a Sunday…… HOLY CRAP, I’M WINNING -2.20 TO -2.40. But wait, that means all Tennessee has to do is sack Brees even once and I lose. The Chiefs game is over, the New England game is over, the Colts game is over, how much time left in the Titans game?

3 FREAKING MINUTES? SERIOUSLY?

The next 3 minutes: Play, by play, by play, by moment, by moment, by moment, every play the Saints run is a mini coronary. Just. Run. The. Clock. Out. And. Don’t. Screw. Up…

Had I lost, it would still have been the most fun week of the year, but I’ll certainly take it. The adversary related that on NFL redzone, when Orlovsky threw his touchdown with 8 SECONDS left, the announcer said “Well if you started Dan Orlovsky on your fantasy team this week, you just got some cheap points. But who would have started Dan Orlovsky?”

“I STARTED HIM IN MY SUCKLEAGUE!” was the only thing the adversary could manage to yell…

KIRK ORLOVSKY

Mucus

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

I’m late posting results this week, as I managed to pick up a cold visiting some friends over the weekend. Their 2 year old twin girls were positively adorable and, like all children under 5, essentially walking petri dishes. My immune system fought the good fight, but I write this with a sore throat and a light head. (Yes lighter than usual, good one..)

To week 10: The Philadelphia Eagles should consider renaming themselves to the Philadelphia Al Michael’s Combover. Why? Both are about as convincing and fraudulent. I mean, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Jack Skelton threw for 3 TDs and 315 yards against the Combover’s “dream team” of overpaid cornerbacks.

Skelton almost single handedly lured me into the Penn State shower stall, but I barely escaped thanks to Minnesota’s abhorrent defense. Man, they stood right up and collapsed, delivering an altogether disgraceful -8.00, helping to negate Skelton’s 20.20.

The adversary similarly got screwed by the Combovers, as Arizona’s defense held the supposed dream offense to 17 and posted 2 interceptions. Their showing of 12.00, combined with Tavaris Jackson’s wholly mediocre 6.40, was just enough to push him far enough into the positive to get me the victory. So live and learn, Skelton is apparently good and has no place whatsoever here in suckland.

Your Nyquil influenced closing: Al Micheals is the greatest play by play guy out there. (And OWNS the combover)

Combover

Oh good, Matt showed up…

Monday, November 7th, 2011

It’s quite the feeling when your guy throws 3 or 4 interceptions; a real sense of accomplishment. But when your opponents’ guy throws 3 touchdowns, I mean sure a win is a win, and you can make fun of his shirt and his face and all that, but the sense of accomplishment is clearly lessened. Having said that, I completely vaporized the adversary this week. Not so much because of my team, but his last minute move to start Matt Moore.

As to my team, I can’t say I was all that impressed with Red Skelton. Or, John Skelton. Whatever. He threw for over 200 yards and a TD, good for 14.00 points here at Suckleague base camp. I was, however, impressed with my last minute defense change. I took a chance on Cleveland (no one has said that ever) and they really showed up (unconditionally withdrew) with a solid -4.00.

As for the adversary, as if Matt Moore wasn’t enough, he went all in with Miami and took their defense as well. He ended up with over, gah, 40 points. Not much you can say, just a reverse fantasy football day of pain for him, and anyone else who was unfortunate enough to go near Matt Moore. So victory it is, just a bit emptier than usual. Yep, we were all having a great time until Matt Moore – NFL quarterback, decided to crash the party.

Oh Good Matts Here

Reverse fantasy football voodoo alleged

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Let’s get this out of the way. Matt Moore was disgusting. 2 fumbles and 2 interceptions.
-6.80, and I’ve lost the week.

However, none of it was natural. I remain convinced that the adversary and possibly some other Suckleague participants, whose seasons were also in a death spiral, engaged the services of some kind of dark mage or shaman to introduce some supernatural elements into last night’s game.

The evidence so far:

- Matt Moore is picked off by Derrelle Revis early in the game after Revis essentially molested Brandon Marshall well past the 5 yard mark where such man on man groping is permissible. All referees are temporarily and inexplicably blinded during this event.

- Brandon Marshall catches a sure touchdown pass from Matt Moore then is mysteriously “compelled” out of bounds by some kind of unseen shadow creature or an irresistible ethereal wind gust of sorts.

I could go on, but if you saw the game, clearly you’ll agree other forces were at work there.
Blaine Gabbert was of course not disgusting, 5 sacks (good show), 1 TD (bad show). I think the Blaine Gabbert experiment is headed to the same latrine that the Andy Dalton file is being stored in. I’ll no doubt have some poignant, coherent, and rational debate on the topic of my next quarterback selection later in the week.

So the game has changed. And if this is how the adversary wants to play it (telekinesis, polymorphism, interdimensional sabotage, apparently NOTHING is off the table) well that’s just fine, we can kick it up a notch.

Now if you’ll pardon me, my “dinner guest” and I have some calculations to finish up.

Steve will bring the karma

I won, but we all lose

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

The adversary likened it to watching small puppies getting kicked or something to that affect, which of course, it was nothing like watching small puppies getting kicked at all, but Curtis Painter’s performance has to be one of the most disappointing Suck league events of the year. True, my band of warriors consisting of Blane Gabbert and Denver’s “defense” won the day with a competently mediocre 1.20 combined score. But I just can’t feel awesome about it. I mean, Curtis Painter could have been it. He could have rewritten the books on harrowing quarterback play. Heck, Morpheus almost had me convinced.

What’s with this year? On paper, we’ve had potential superstar (future CFL backup) after potential superstar completely melt down and play good football. Andy Dalton comes out of TCU and starts right away. Oh and because of the CBA, THERE WAS ALMOST NO OFFSEASON. And he’s lighting it up. Curtis Painter out of Purdue has been busy watching the grass grow (and burning through ungodly amounts of conditioner) for the last 2 years, starts his first game in really loud conditions, night game, the other guy’s house, and throws for 350 yards and 2 TDs? So he lost 2 fumbles, I lost my hero.

I’m all out of hope. If you rolled with Denver’s defense, congrats! If you went with Painter, my condolences.

SHUT UP OBI-WAN, THIS YEAR DOESN’T HAVE A CHOSEN ONE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CHOSEN ONE

The Andy Dalton experiment is over

Sunday, September 18th, 2011

We could have been something special Andy. Alas, the Bengals schedule is simply a joke, and Andy Dalton is improving, gaining confidence, and playing better each week. While I’m happy for Andy and his career, this does nothing for my Suckleague team. It was a terrible (positive) week for me, Dalton was efficient and good for 2 TDs. My defense, Miami, while not good by any stretch, was in the positive as well, albeit with a meager +2.

The adversary’s team however, was absolutely disgusting. Luke Mccown, if by some freak of chance he continues to start, is looking to breeze into the Suckelague hall of fame.

Four… 4… \for\… ****… The square root of sixteen… Cuatro… 3 plus one… Wake me up be-FOUR you fucking go-go….. FOUR interceptions before being sat down. How. How, do you leave a guy in after say, I don’t know, THREE?

Anyway, combined with Carolina’s woeful -3.00 performance against Green Bay, the adversary’s team flat out decimated my supposed “team” with a -17.80 to my very un-suckleaguelike 25.40.

Back to the drawing board, the title of the post says it all.

Andy Dalton experiment over

Cleveland really sucks

Monday, September 12th, 2011

It’s no secret I secured the first pick of our suckleague draft, and with that pick, without hesitation I pulled the trigger on Andy Dalton. Review – No brainer:  greener than green, blah college conference, unusual hair, wait a minute, Alex Smith the sequel.  I’m good for the season.

Except that I’m not, now that they played Cleveland. Can’t they not stop any quarterback? Now Dalton probably has some confidence going into his next game.  THANKS, CLEAVLAND DOES NOT ROCK.

Thankfully, my D came through for me. New Orleans was beyond tremendous (utterly flimsy) netting me -12.00 points before the weekend even got started. The adversary came to his senses between draft and game time, smartly engaging the services of Luke Mccown (.40 points) and not as smartly, Minnesota’s D (7.00 points). Despite Dalton’s stupid 6 points, I have started the season with victory, and in the negative, -6.00.

On another note, for reasons I’ll never understand, the adversary and myself got to discussing the lyrics to Night Ranger’s 1983 anthem “You can still rock in America” earlier today. Again, for the benefit of future military psychologists, I’ll preserve it here:

Me:  I Never understood those lyrics, can one not rock in other countries?

The Adversary: When could you not rock in America, or when was the idea floated that you might not be able to? Did Reagan slip that into some speech that I was not aware of? What could have moved those guys to not only wrote a song about it, but get really angry and upset about it? Hmmmm. I don’t believe you can rock in North Korea.

Me: I’ll agree with that, but I doubt the song was directed at North Korea.

The Adversary: Hmmm.

Me: Perhaps if we could identify this “Little sister by the record machine” person.

The Adversary: Yeah, is she being oppressed? Is she just standing there not being able to rock?

Me:  What could hinder her ability to rock? Is there a power outage?

The Adversary: That could very well be it. There’s no power and Jack Blades is saying “Hey, you can still rock without power”.

Me: Well hang on though. Clearly “She’s goin’ out she’s gonna party tonight”, so, if she has no power, I don’t think that would be an issue.

The Adversary: I’m reading the lyrics, it seems to be about incest to me.

Me: There is nothing about geopolitical borders in this song, what the hell is the chorus about?

The Adversary: Well it’s very nationalistic. She’s sneaking out and wakes her dad, her dad asks if everything is ok, but she still leaves.

Me: Yeah with her brother. Or somebody’s brother. I guess hers. Maybe it’s her dad’s brother.

The Adversary: I’ve got to think her parents don’t give a shit about brother, he can stay out all he wants. Perhaps her parents are North Korean.

Me: Right, he can stay out with “his driving machine” which we can assume to be a car.

The Adversary: Or a tractor.

Me: In Korea?

The Adversary: Citizens aren’t allowed to have cars. They are either farmers or military. You have to be granted a license for a car in North Korea. But I think some sort of tractor might be ok. So little brother has the tractor fired up, and they are heading to the DMZ to watch a band on an American military base? Technically to rock in America, since it’s a US base. That’s my theory.

Me: So, in defiance of their parents, Korean siblings are taking a tractor to some US military base to enjoy a USO program?

The Adversary: And Jack Blades is there screaming how they can rock in America.

Me: Makes sense.

The Adversary: Now sister Christian, that’s even more of a puzzle. With all the motoring. How do you motor? And what’s your price for flight?

Me: Forget it, the Korean tractor song made more sense.

WhatTheHellAmIScreamingAbout

The horror – 1/2

Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Clausen threw a TD.

I have no desire to talk about my score this week.

However, something truly wonderful happened. The adversary, as this is a gentleman’s game and he is a gentleman (asshole) (sorry, just bitter about the loss), IM’d me this morning and wanted to start either Fitzpatrick or Brohm. However Chan Gailey wouldn’t name a starter. Of course not I thought, would you? Can you imagine the level of discomposure and depth of angst in that Jets locker room while they wait? And wonder, and agonize? Nor can I.

But I’m a good sport and I hate indecisive coaches as well so I said sure, why not, just call it Buffalo’s QB and whoever starts is yours. Again, the core of suckleague is the sense that no matter who your opponent selects, you always have the chance to win.

You know, unless your opponent’s QB scores NEGATIVE FIFTEEN. I mean, holy shit, this is historic. I’ll have to check the archives, but if that’s not the worst single QB score ever, it’s certainly in the top 3 (bottom 3). Plus he had Cleveland’s defense for -12.00, totally ambuscading my poor guys with an utterly disgusting -27.00. Bra freaking vo is all I can say, eye of the tiger man.

Fittingly, I’ll take the remainder of this post and tip my hat to my newest suckleague man-crush, Brian Brohm. As always, we’ll wish him nothing but success in the NFL, but also as always, take your time getting there. For comparison’s sake, my best (most horrific) QB showing of the year was week 5, Jimmy Clausen: -9.20.

Negative fifteen. I’m awe struck Brian, good on you.

Brian freaking Brohm