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Cowboys running back arrested for shoplifting

Thursday, October 16th, 2014

Dallas Cowboys back up running back Joseph Randle was arrested for shoplifting from a suburban mall Monday night. Randle was charged with a misdemeanor according to Texas police. He was released on bond at 1:20 a.m. Tuesday. Frisco Police Lt. Jason Jenkins said Randle is accused of attempting to steal cologne from Dillard’s in Stonebriar Centre Mall.

A team source said Tuesday evening that the Cowboys would fine Randle an amount that has yet to be determined but will not suspend him. However, the team indicated on Wednesday there would in fact be no fine. The fine, which was initially going to be $29,000, was thrown out when it was discovered that the cologne Randall had stolen was in fact a bottle of Axe body spray.

“What the fuck, does he want to smell like a fat kid at a middle school prom?” said team owner Jerry Jones, “It would be wrong to fine somebody that stupid.”

Quarterback Tony Romo indicated he was very shocked by the whole incident, “He stole Axe? Is he retarded? That shit smells like an armpit.”

Head coach Jason Garrett addressed the media earlier this afternoon in an attempt to diffuse the situation. “He’s an impressionable young man. He was going by those stupid commercials that have all the hot women groping men because they’re wearing Axe. He and I had a good talk in the locker room this morning. Trust me, he’s really sorry. Joseph finally sprayed some Axe and smelled it. He immediately broke down crying. Then he vomited in the sink. Then he dry heaved uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. Then he vomited again. Then he lost control of his bowels, and dry heaved uncontrollably for another 30 minutes. Then he resumed crying. Afterwards, we all agreed that the combination of shit, vomit, bile, and jockstrap smell still had a better scent than Axe.”

Axe Is Disgusting

– J

Rex Ryan insists the Jets are not dead

Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

Rex Ryan’s team is a total mess this year, as the Jets have spiraled to a 1-5 record.

Fresh off their latest loss to the Denver Broncos, Ryan and the Jets are now face New England on a short week who showed up strong on Sunday. Despite another season of disarray, Ryan is still hopeful. “My message is pretty simple: Hey, we might be counted out, (but) we’re not dead,” Ryan told reporters Monday, according to The Associated Press. “We are going to fight our tails off.”

Ryan elaborated, “Imagine we’re a patient in a hospital with Ebola. Is that dead? No, it most certainly isn’t. The Jets are not dead. Are we just like a guy in the ER who’s been shot in the heart but the bullet is lodged just right so that he’s not bleeding but if you were to remove the bullet he’d hemorrhage profusely and be dead in seconds? Yes, we’re exactly like that. Notice, however, that guy isn’t dead. The Jets are not dead.”

“You could also imagine we’re like a utility worker who was struck by lightning while working on a traffic signal, fell 30 feet to the pavement below, broke his neck, then got run over by a cement truck and is currently gasping his last few breaths. Is that guy dead? No, what part of still breathing don’t you understand? The Jets are not dead. Are the Jets very similar to a severed head lying a bucket of heads that’s just been guillotined and still has the ability to move its eyes and remaining conscious for 15 seconds before perishing? Completely. The key point there? Conscious. The Jets are not dead. Next question.”

Rex Ryan Is Insane

– J

Raiders’ Tony Sparano has team bury football, as well as 3 prostitutes he murdered

Thursday, October 9th, 2014

The Oakland Raiders are not in good shape. The team started the year 0-4, then fired head coach Dennis Allen before making assistant head coach Tony Sparano their interim coach.

Sparano, apparently looking for the team to make a fresh start mentally, had the players bury a football after practice as a symbolic gesture, as well as 3 prostitutes he ritually murdered some time ago.

A video from NFL Media shows Sparano with a shovel and a ball, as well as the bloodied bodies of 3 dead prostitutes, telling his team to bury the memories of their 0-4 start along with the ball. “What this ball represents and what this hole represents are the first four games of the season, the first quarter of our season, as well as 3 prostitutes I ritually murdered”, Sparano told his team, via a video posted on the team’s website, before making them actually cover the football (and prostitutes) with dirt.

And with that, week 5 Suckleague reverse fantasy football is in the books, which has pretty much been me ritually murdering myself with terrible decisions.

The week started smashingly well. My field general was none other than the delicate Christian Ponder – and did he ever want it. Until he stopped wanting it that is. Going into the 2nd half of Thursday night’s match-up against the Packers of Green Bay, “CP1″ had amassed some impressive stats – virtually no yards, a bunch of sacks and 2 interceptions. The clouds were finally parting, this was the week it was all going to come together. I could see the sun! You know until the clouds all got together again and started raining elephant urine all over my head. In a tragic admission that he has no business throwing a football in an NFL game, Ponder ran for a touchdown, dragging his up to that point lurid stats into the positive, +3.34.

But wait, hope was not lost. My defenders, the Jacksonville LARP chapter, er, Jaguars, were facing a Pittsburgh Steeler team that was ready for a redemption victory. This is the mighty yellow curtain, the steel towel, a town of well-tanned, well-toned people with no folding chairs on their front lawns. PITT. The mighty Pittsburgh Steelers would show Jacksonville what it’s like be, OH GODAMMIT.

Steelers face palm

<Greco Roman statue with one nad face palm>

17 points, that’s all you could put up against the Jacksonville freaking Jaguars?

I………… am going to give up for a few days, perhaps get in some LARPing, then regroup for week 6.

– J

Jaguars apologize for mascot making Ebola joke

Monday, October 6th, 2014

The Jaguars have apologized for their mascot using the Ebola epidemic to mock the Pittsburgh Steelers’ terrible towels during Sunday’s game between the two teams. During the fourth quarter of the game, “Jaxson de Ville” held up a handwritten sign that read “TOWELS CARRY EBOLA” while waving a yellow terrible towel.

Jacksonville Ebola Sign

Jaguars president Mark Lamping said the team had no prior knowledge of the sign and is handling the matter internally. “Improvisation and humor have both been key elements to the character of Jaxson de Ville, especially when he performs at home games,” Lamping said. “On Sunday, the person who has played Jaxson de Ville over the past 20 seasons made an extremely poor decision in that regard. He is very regretful for any harm he may have caused.”

Curtis Dvorak, who has been playing de Ville since 1996, mimicked the sentiment. “I’m really sorry. I was being silly and just meant to do anything I could to deter the people from Pittsburg from waving their towels around. I now realize that making a sign indicating the towels have Ebola was in bad taste. It won’t happen again. In that spirit, I’ve come up a new sign for the next time the Steelers come to town. You know, something that would truly confuse and disgust somebody from Pittsburgh:

People from Pittsburgh are fat

– J

 

 

 

Fat Steeler Fan

NFL to discipline Geno Smith after F-bomb usage

Thursday, October 2nd, 2014

Rex Ryan and Geno Smith sat down Monday to discuss the postgame incident Sunday, when Smith cursed out a fan. “It’s a mistake and I don’t think it will happen again to Geno,” Ryan said. Smith is facing discipline from the NFL this week after the incident, for unsportsmanlike conduct by a first-time offender.

“I’m aware that my actions, that what I did is not right, so I am subject to a discipline”, Smith said. “Whatever the ramifications will be, I will accept them.”

Roger Goodell worked to close the matter quickly, making both Smith and the Jets organization aware of his decision in a statement released early Thursday. “Geno needs to represent the NFL better. The fans and especially children should not be exposed to such behavior. We hope Geno can learn from this experience and move forward quickly. So, on Friday, Geno Smith will be fined $1,500. And his left hand will be cut off.”

The statement continued “Now I know some of you might think this a bit harsh, but I assure you, both myself and our attorneys have based this decision on a thorough review of the collective bargaining agreement as well as some loopholes we found in Islamic law. Initially I wanted Geno Smith stoned to death, but the NFLPA took issue with that. A multi-game suspension was also considered, but both sides eventually agreed that the combination of severing his left hand in public, as well as a fine of $1,500, would teach Mr. Smith a valuable lesson.”

As if we needed more evidence that Roger Goodell is insane, there you go.

Roger Goodell Is Insane

On to this week’s negative fantasy football action.

Week 4 saw the Skin Flute Players go with Jacksonville on defense and the not at all aptly named “Titans” quarterback Charlie Lyndhurst (I think). So buckle in – next stop Negativazakhstan…..

Defense: Jacksonville’s defense was dependable and deplorable as always, collapsing like the champions they are and yielding a very solid -5.00 in their “performance” against San Diego. Philp Rivers and his 78 children and counting were all able to score with ease against this unit.

QB: You have got to be kidding me. Charlie – Jesus holding a clipboard – Whitehurst absolutely profaned my best efforts. While he had pick, 3 sacks, and lost a fumble, he also threw a touchdown for, I don’t know, moral reasons? The sun got in his eyes and he accidentally threw the ball to a Titan? Someone in Tennessee actually wore shirt under their denim coveralls and that confused him? Ugh.

+ 3.94

Whatever Charlie Whitehead. Sure I have no opponent this year and I can’t even get close to 0, but that just strengthens my resolve. I’m calling it (i.e., this won’t happen under any circumstances), as sure as Philip Rivers’ wife is either pregnant or soon to be pregnant or was pregnant a short time ago or just found out she’s pregnant even though she’s been pregnant for 6 months already, next week there will be a minus in front of my score.

– J

Raiders hire interim head coach

Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

The Oakland Raiders have settled on their replacement for Dennis Allen.

After several conflicting reports emerged over the last 12 hours about who the Raiders would go with as Allen’s replacement, Jim Trotter of ESPN reported on Tuesday that the Raiders have hired an interim head coach: a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko.

If the reports are correct that Raiders General Manager Reggie McKenzie indeed wanted a chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea, but owner Mark Davis preferred Al Saunders or Tony Sparano, that would indicate that Davis still has confidence in McKenzie’s decision-making. This seems unlikely considering that most of McKenzie’s decisions as Oakland’s G.M. have been awful.

At 0-4, the Raiders are on their bye this week, which will give a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko some extra time to make whatever changes he deems necessary. Although a blind, chronically retarded Lar gibbon with advanced gonorrhea named Yoko will presumably get the final 12 games of the season to prove himself capable of handling the job on a permanent basis, it seems more likely that the Raiders will hire a new coach after the season ends.

Reached for comment, Yoko hurled a barrage of his own feces at the camera while incessantly screaming and scratching and gnawing at his groin area.

Raiders Lar Gibbon

–J

Teddy Bridgewater’s ankle MRI is negative

Monday, September 29th, 2014

Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer told reporters on Monday that Teddy Bridgewater’s MRI was negative. Despite suffering a sprained ankle against the Falcons, it appears that Bridgewater will be ready to play in week 5 against the Green Bay Packers. However, while his MRI was negative for a broken ankle, it did come back as positive for flesh eating zombie nano-robot disease.

“Well I’m glad my ankle isn’t broken”, said Bridgewater when reached for comment, “but I can’t say I’m really happy about having flesh eating zombie nano-robots in my system. Guess I’ll just take practice day to day and focus on being ready for Sunday.”

We contacted team physician Dr. Greg Stephens to get some further details on Bridgewater’s condition.

Suckleague: “Dr. Stephens, what’s the treatment for flesh eating zombie nano-robot disease?”

Dr. Stephens: “There is no treatment. They’re zombie robots.”

Suckleague: “So what’s Teddy’s prognosis and expected recovery time?”

Dr. Stephens: “Well Teddy will slowly be devoured by an army of tiny zombie flesh eating nano-robots until such a time as he himself turns into a zombie. At which point we’ll shoot him in the head with a shotgun.”

Coach Zimmer added, “Teddy’s rookie debut was outstanding. We think we have our franchise guy and look forward to him leading us to many wins during his career here. Until of course he turns into a zombie, at which point we’ll shoot him in the head with a shotgun.”

Zombie Teddy Bridgewater

–J

Giants finally figure out their new offense

Monday, September 22nd, 2014

After two weeks of inconsistent offensive play and mounting criticism on Giants quarterback Eli Manning for not picking up the new offensive system implemented by first-year offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo, things finally clicked in Sunday’s 30-17 win at MetLife Stadium. Manning nearly was perfect, completing 21-of-28 for 234 yards, two touchdowns and a robust 123.2 rating. “That is the way it’s supposed to work”, said an elated Manning, “You just play the Texans.”

“Manning has persevered greatly,” receiver Victor Cruz said of his quarterback and the criticism he has endured. “This week in practice, he was locked in and made every throw. I think were somewhere around 90 percent this week in practice. He was locked in, knew exactly what he needed to do. Play the Texans.”

The tempo at which Manning and the offense operated was the highest since McAdoo arrived. “I love seeing him in a rhythm like that where he’s confident,” Giants’ safety Antrel Rolle said. “He looked very poised. Eli did a phenomenal job executing the offense and the rest of the guys did an excellent job being on same page as Eli. Playing the Texans has made all the difference in this offense.”

Giants head coach Tom Coughlin said, “Last week we made some steps to get better and this week was even stronger. If we can keep playing the Texans, we’ll be just fine.”

The Texans Suck

– J

Tony Romo says there’s no reason to worry about his back

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

After he missed yesterday’s practice with tightness in his back, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo insists there’s no reason for alarm. Keep in mind he missed most of the off-season following back surgery. Romo said he planned to practice today, but he would likely miss practice here and there in the future.

“It’s going to pop up,” Romo said. “I’m sure it’ll happen throughout the rest of the season. You’ll see a day here or there. It’s the same as the arm. Sometimes your arm gets tired. It’s just obviously more talked about because of having surgery on the back. You play this game. It’s a very violent, physical game, and you throw the ball a lot and you do all these things. Sometimes it’s just that tightness stuff comes up. You prefer obviously to do everything 100 percent of the time, but you can’t always do that. I’ll be fine. The fans don’t have to worry about my back at all.”

Romo continued, “But if they want to worry about something, how about my god-awful throwing mechanics? Even better would be to worry about my total lack of consistency. I mean, if I’ve performed well in 2 games back to back, I have no memory of it. Or how about my uncanny ability to completely fold like a goddamn lawn chair from Dollar General in the 4th quarter. Now that warrants some worry. Or my ridiculous ability to hit defenders between the fucking numbers when we have the lead? THAT I would worry about. Go Cowboys!”

We attempted to confirm Romo’s back health with his orthopedic surgeon who added “Tony Romo sucks.”

Tony Romo Sucks

– J

Peyton Manning murders John Fox with an axe

Tuesday, September 16th, 2014

Earlier today, following an apparent spat between himself and head coach John Fox over a new offensive formation, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning pulled out a single bit felling axe and swung at Fox multiple times, causing massive trauma and bleeding that ultimately resulted in Fox’s death. As Broncos practice is regularly filmed, the gruesome act was captured on video from multiple angles (the footage of which is so disturbing it will not be shown here.)

Broncos GM John Elway was quick to issue a statement, “Yes I’ve seen the film and it’s certainly a bit unsettling. But we really believe that due process needs to run its course here. This is America and Manning is innocent until proven guilty. He’ll start Sunday at Seattle.”

Team owner Pat Bowlen added, “Based on the extensive information that we have right now and what we know about Peyton, not only as a person, but what he has also done for this community, we believe he deserves to play while the legal process plays out. At the same time, we must defer to the legal system to determine whether he went too far. But we cannot make that judgment.”

Manning himself released a statement after the incident indicating that he was “sorry about the hurt I have brought to my coach. I am not a perfect. But I am, without a doubt, not an axe murderer. No one can understand the hurt that I feel for Fox and for the harm I caused him. My goal is always to give my coach constructive feedback, and that’s what I tried to do that day.”

Peyton Manning Kills John Fox

Reebok, Gatorade, and MasterCard have all released statements in support of Manning and affirmed his endorsement deals are not in any danger.

– J